Happy 7th Birthday to my PRINCESS

Happy Birthday to my big girl!!!!

 I really cannot believe my baby is turning 7 tomorrow. It makes me all kinds of sad. If someone would have told me how fast these years would go by when they placed her in my arms, I never would have believed it. I really can't process it myself! I don't think the world will ever understand just how long, hard and tough it was to become a mommy. But, let me tell you, I would do everything all over again, 1,000 times if I could be HER mommy. I still will never forget the moment she was placed into my arms. In fact, I will never forget being upstairs at Spence Chapin and seeing her from a distance, watching the pediatrician look her over, head to toe. I was shaking and shaking and swore I was having an out of body experience looking at her! I couldn't even believe that this was MY daughter. When they handed her to me, I sobbed. I had never felt so many emotions hit me at the same time in my entire life. I knew it. I was meant to be her mommy and she was just perfect. Those beautiful brown eyes staring right back at me.
From the moment she was home, she was the BEST baby anyone could ask for. The only time she ever cried was if she was hungry - and even then, it was more of a whine that she wasn't pleased, but if you didn't get to it right away, it wasn't the end of the world. I really couldn't have been more lucky if I tried.
This perfect little human being was my baby and she was made so perfectly just for me. Every morning she would wake up like clockwork, just to have a bottle, and then peacefully fall right back to sleep on me in bed for the next 4 hours. She had the perfect little spot on her nose, right between her eyes to kiss on. (It's still there, 7 years later!!) This child was born to embody love. Everything about her loves everyone around her. I don't think she could find anything wrong with anyone even if she tried. I will never forget, even on her first birthday....as we opened presents, she stopped, walked over to me and gave me a HUGE hug. This is just her personality. I hope it NEVER ever changes. Every thing that is done for her, she will reply and say "I am just so thankful mommy and daddy...thank you so much!" Each one of my girls has a soft spot in my heart, and each for different reasons! She is the one who will always ask me "are you ok mommy?" Or will go out of her way to help if she can. I really believe she has something special about her and she is going to be headed for great things and will really make an impact on peoples lives someday with whatever profession she chooses.
I think I'm all sorts of sappy as I write this, because as I scrolled through the pictures below of each year, it is THIS year that I see a young lady and not a baby anymore. Her cheeks are no longer a chubby little kindergartener, her body has slimmed out and gotten taller, her nose has taken shape of a young adult. I don't know if I can handle it all! I tell her all of the time "I wish we could stop time Noelani, I don't like you getting older". She will say "I'm sorry mommy, but we can't stop time"....Tonight she told me "Don't worry mommy, it will be a REALLY long whole year again before I get any older....and that's a long time!"
Oh baby, if you only knew. It really won't be that long.

(I'm 1! - Winter ONEderland party)

(2 - Look WHO's turning 2 party)

(3 - She had an Ariel party & became a big sister before turning 3 this year!)

(4! She left for Disney world a day or two after this)

(5 - She had her party at Bounce Magic and was My Little Pony themed)

(6 - Hotel pool party - she asked for all donations to the adoption agency instead of presents!)

And now she will be 7! We will be taking her overnight next weekend with family to Splash Lagoon!

I hope they don't...

More and more each day I hope my little girls don't want to find their birthmom when they get older. I think they will be in such a depression and hurt over it. I don't ever want to see my girls go through that.
When we got called back in April to adopt their baby brother, I was so happy for the contact with their birthmom. She cried and cried on the phone to me that she had moved and had no way to get any letters or pictures from us for 2 years yadda yadda. She also mentioned that her oldest daughter was a runaway (I actually knew this because while googling her name and daughters name for a way to contact her, I found her oldest on the Missing & Exploited Children's website) ::insert eye roll::
I never went into much thought, other than oh my gosh she really had no way to see her precious babies because anything I would have sent her, she wouldn't get.
YEAH RIGHT
I have come to find, she is totally full of b.s. You see, back in 2012 when we purchased a house, we contacted the adoption agency because it was Noelani's 2nd birthday, we had just moved and I misplaced her address. I wanted to be able to send an update to her so I asked the agency to outreach to confirm/give me her address. She right away confirmed her address with them that time. So....now that I don't have blinders on, I know that she was blowing smoke because there was 2 years of time she could have contacted that agency and gave them her new address. SO FULL OF IT.
I completely opened my arms and heart, EVERYTHING to this woman and invited her to be in my life....no, let me correct that....my GIRLS lives. She hasn't done....for lack of a better word....SHIT to be around. She dismisses and ignores ALL of my text messages. She ignores ALL of my FB messages to her about updates of the girls. She is a piece of work, let me tell you. I don't even want to hear the crap about oh it's so hard for her, blah blah blah. It's a bunch of bull. I have access to her FB page, only because it is public for now....and she accidentally sent her FB name to me through our original contact of pictures. Her entire FB is filled with drugs, alcohol, partying. No type of mother for a brand new baby. It really angers me inside. It angers me that someday my girls will look for her and this is who they will find. UGH!!!!!
I used to always talk such a high image of her. Lately it makes me mad inside when the girls talk about her so lovingly. I just want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs and say "I'm so friggen sorry I let you girls believe she was such a good person....because she isn't". UGH UGH UGH.
I sent her message after message all but begging her to respond. I've sent her probably HUNDREDS of pictures of the girls and she never responds. No "oh that's cute", "thanks for sending" NOTHING. I don't know if I should continue sending them or just forget it and let her find out who they are when they are 18 someday and want to see who she is...which will be a disappointment.
A day before my little ones 4th birthday I sent her a long message with pictures. That day I sent her more pictures and told her about her day. She doesn't even open half of the messages. But, she definitely makes time to go on FB talking about her partying and how she hates everyone in the world around her and all about her money. So pathetic.
Oh and the daughter? Well out of her oh 7 facebooks I think i've found.....she is the spitting image of her mother. Drugs, sex, partying, all of it.
Yet again, another reason why I took that failed placement SO hard. I know that this little baby boy is in for the same type of life. Makes me sick.

So now what....

So where do we go from here? I was very heartbroken and sad writing my last 2 posts. I still am. That feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not entirely sure if I was fair in saying that their birth mom doesn't care. That's probably very harsh. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have given birth to them. So I think I was really coming from a place of anger in that post.
I am still heartbroken though. I KNOW, there are lots of people going through way worse things that myself, or our family right now. But, it just hurts so damn bad.
The truth is, that no matter what I find out good or bad, I love my girls more than life itself. If I had the capability to have 8 kids I would. I still want to adopt more children in the future and this experience will not stop me or make me see adoption from a bad light.
Adoption is beautiful. It made me a mother. Regardless of the lies their birthmom gave the agency, I still love these girls the same, if not even more. I've talked to a few people about it all and they assure me that the girls will not resent me for everything that happened. That they won't hate me for "taking them away" from their siblings. I can't predict the future.
BUT LET ME SAY:
Adoption is not for the faint of heart!!!!!!!!!!
For 6 years, our family pictured one person and fed this image and idea of this person to our daughters. But, in 6 years, this person has not changed her situation. She still hasn't made an attempt to better her life. No house, stable job, and just not doing the best for her children in my opinion. My youngest has been diagnosed with SPD, OCD, Anxiety, and possibly ADHD. Is this a result of no prenatal care? Drug use? Or is it just something that happened for no reason? I will never know. Their birth mother received no prenatal care because she "didn't want to be bothered with doctors". We knew this when we adopted our daughters. But, we were also told there was no drug use involved. She had admitted to 1 or 2 glasses of wine and cigarettes while pregnant. After discovering her lifestyle on facebook and conversations, I'm not going to lie - I'm not sure I believe that we got the entire story.
When I spoke with her on the phone, she wanted me to add her on facebook because "i'm her family now". She insisted I took her phone number to stay in contact. She expressed how badly her family and kids supposedly wanted to meet my girls, but where is she now? I have a feeling this untruthfulness is a trend with her. She lied about my oldests birthfather on the paperwork. She told me this on the phone and gave me only a first name of her real bio father. Someday when my daughter might want to seek him out, she won't be able to even find him through paperwork. My youngest daughter, she never name a birthfather. But, she was able to provide me a picture of him in the one text she sent me before disappearing. And let me tell you, based on photos, she knows exactly who each of the girls birthfathers are because they look JUST LIKE THEM. I have mixed feelings about the pictures. My girls will see who they will look like, but it's not fair to have that and no names in my opinion. It almost seems cruel.
As a family all we can do is move past this somehow. It is going to take time. I hope that it helps since the weather is nicer now, we can get outside and get our minds off of alot of this.
Hopefully we will be given the opportunity to adopt again in the future. That's the hope I've been holding onto for my girls and their broken hearts. They were so so excited to have another baby around.
I still think the ideal situation for any adoption would be an open adoption. No where in between in my opinion. In a semi open adoption, you send pictures and letters, with the hope that a birthmother will someday respond, you include phone numbers and wait. In a closed adoption, you either send and do nothing, or share pictures with the agency. While this isn't ideal, I think you enter an adoption knowing what to expect. You know the birthparents won't want to respond, and thats ok too. I wish for open adoption because the birthparents will be able to watch the children they gave birth to grow up. It can be as simple as letters and emails back and forth....or as deep as skype, visits, phone calls, etc. In my opinion I think this would give a child the greatest sense of closure. They will grow up knowing this person who is biologically related to them. No wonder, but knowing they were given a chance at a family with 2 parents and a loving home.

Needing a break now

When I hung up, it was around 10am. I waited until 3:30pm and still never heard from her. She INSISTED I took her cell phone number before hanging up. So I thought MAYBE she was shy to send me photos, or wasn't sure if my motive was really truly to just have a relationship with her. So, I decided to send her a picture of each girl. I wasn't sure when the last time was that she saw them, so I figured it would open things up. She responded to tell me how pretty my oldest was.

I didn't hear from her again the rest of the day. However, I knew she had said on the phone she might be bringing the baby home that day. So, when I woke up the next am, I woke up to about 10 or so photos she sent me. I now have photos of both girls birthfathers, all of their sisters, some grandparents and also their birthmother. She also said something to the effect of she hoped she didn't disturb my sleep because she sent them at 4am, but the baby had her up from 1-4am so she had time to send them. I immediately responded about how much the girls looked like certain people, and that I was so happy we could have a relationship. I also texted her how much I loved her and thanked her for allowing me to be a mom. I also sent some more pictures back.

She responded finally around 5:30pm that she had just gotten up for the day and was having migraines since the baby was born. She stated she got the photos and would text me later because she was getting dinner for the other kids. I explained no problem, I understood and let me know when things calm down for her. Her father had passed away, in another state, but I still figured emotionally it was alot. 

The next day I texted her a picture of Noelani as a baby. It was a picture that had a striking resemblance of her baby she sent me the day before. I also sent a few more of the girls and said along with them, she didn't have to respond but I figured the pictures might make her smile. No response. Almost every single day since then, until that Friday, I tried to text her. I had so much to say. I tried to ask for an email, since she has no mailing address. No response. I also asked her if she was ok. In fact a few times I asked if she was alright and that I was worried I hadn't heard from her. Nothing. As the days went on, I messaged her a long letter on facebook. I texted her that I had written her because I no longer wanted to bother her on her phone. No response.

Here we are, 11 days later. Still nothing. I don't know if she wants pictures, if she even cares. I feel heartbroken. For my girls. For 6 years I pictured a loving and selfless person for them. After looking on facebook, it is clearly the opposite. 

There are many things I have since discovered that I am really really really hurt and sad for my girls. The lies, illegal behavior, the missing sister they have never met who is a minor, the fact that their brother could be here with us but is now in a motel somewhere. It hurts. I am mostly hurt that looking back, you would think she would have SO many questions about the people they have become. She didn't have a single one. What will my girls think when they are older? How can someone basically promise this relationship on the phone, and send me JUST enough information for the girls, and then disappear??? I still have so many missing pieces of the girls story that will haunt me until the day they know the truth. I don't even know what the truth IS anymore to be honest. I have never ever felt so hurt for my kids before. I feel like a failure that I couldn't make this work out for them. All I can do is cry for them. Someday, they may want to find her and I have NOTHING. I have no address, no email, and a cell phone that will most likely not even be in service when that time comes. How will I EVER explain this to them.

HOW will I ever explain that they are 2 of 7 she didn't keep?? How do I explain if they feel like it's unfair that she kept their brother JUST because her dad died? I cannot think of logical answers to any of it. In fact I can barely get through my day without tears and without it popping into my head 100x. I cannot focus on anything. None of it makes any sense to me. 

Noelani has asked me a few times how can J (her birthmom) keep her baby brother if she has no house?? I have tried my best to explain that things are different now. The truth is, they are not different. The story we were given was that she was homeless at the time of Noelani's birth. That is part of her story I have always told her. It is untrue. I feel like the world's biggest liar trying to say that things have changed for J, that's why she decided to keep him.

Yes, both girls knew about the baby. Both girls adoptions went so smoothly, WHY would we have thought it wouldn't happen?? The girls have been begging for a baby brother for MONTHS now, so when I got the call, they figured it out pretty quickly. 

Part of my conversations with Noelani lately have been about the possibility that someday, J may not meet up with her and Kai. At 6 years old, her only response has been "well, then she can do whatever she wants, I don't care". Those words will more than likely have an entirely different meaning though when she is 16. They will turn into anger and confusion when she understands more.

I wish things could be different, but they are what they are. Life goes on, and my girls have one another. My hope for the future is that my girls will realize they have each other. I hope for them, that is enough. I hope they are happy and feel fulfilled in their lives so they don't even want or need to go out looking for her. Right now, they don't know that they are among other siblings. Noelani is 1 of 10 and Kai is 1 of 8. I hope knowing that someday doesn't make them feel that they missed out. If anything, I can just hope that it will make them feel that much closer.

A great friend recently told me that the baby "won't have the life you would have given him, but he still will have a life." It will be MUCH different than the life we could share with him. That eats away at me every single day. It's almost all I can think of. I failed at helping my girls little brother. I failed even more by establishing a relationship with their birthmother.

BUT, then I think.....maybe she doesn't care. It sounds heartless, but she had admitted to not living in her apartment for 2 years. She NEVER contacted the agency to update her address. NEVER. Maybe she thinks she did her job. She thinks she satisfied her "role" because she sent me a few pictures and now the girls can know who they look like. I will never know. That kills me inside.

For now, I tell the girls someday they will have another brother or sister, just not right now. We will see what the future holds.


If anyone is going through something similar and would like to talk, please feel free to comment or email me jviverette@live.com

An update of how we are doing now

What do you do when your girls birthmother has another baby??

I am not sure how to begin this post. Truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get past the emotions I have right now. Only the future will let me be able to do so. When you suffer from infertility, all you can think of is "why can this person have children when they don't deserve to, and I cant?" I thought that MANY times while struggling. All I would think about is how I would do things differently. If only I could have ONE chance to be a mommy, I would never take a single moment for granted. I try to think that I don't take most of it for granted. Am I miserable and tired some days? YES. But, I'm busy being mommy, and fighting chronic illnesses as well (2 of them).
When we adopted Noelani, we agreed with the agency that we would send letters and pictures to her birthmother 1-2x a year. We also agreed to have her call us before and/or after placement. We NEVER heard from her. I would write her 2x a year, and I would send gifts for Christmas, and also send Christmas and Easter cards. Every time I would write a letter, I would include our address, complete spelling of our names, my email, both of our phone numbers, and my facebook name. In EVERY letter, I begged her to answer us, and invited her to be a part of our lives. I wanted to give her a chance to experience an open adoption with our daughter. Not only did I think it would be wonderful for Noelani, I thought it would be great for her birthmother. As time went on, I met a few birthmothers who explained that contact sometimes was just too hard. I accepted it and moved on.
2.5 years later, Kailani was born. Same birthmother. The agency we used, called me on my cell phone to ask if we would also adopt her. OF COURSE. We once again invited their birthmother to be a part of their lives. I asked the agency to invite her to the placement. She didn't come. She never called either. I continued to send pictures and letters. Same information, no response. SOMEDAY I had hoped she would answer.
Noelani began going through some medical issues that I needed answers for. My letters went unanswered, and reaching out to the agency seemed useless. They tried both numbers they had for her, and 1 was disconnected, the other went to voicemail. There was nothing I could do. For the sake of Noelani, we, as her parents had to make some tough decisions and submit her to some testing that wouldn't have been needed if we had answers.
We never knew either of the girls birthfathers. There was a name for Noelani's, but no address, and with Kailani, one was never named. We were given small details of height/weight and occupation for both but that was it.
On April 1, 2016 I looked at my phone and the agency had called. I missed the call. The voicemail stated that they had been in contact with their birthmom and had some more information for me since I had questions in the past. I found it weird, but I thought MAYBE she had gotten the letters and finally decided to call with medical info. It had been 3.5 years since Kailani was born. When I called back, the conversation was not what I expected. She now had ANOTHER baby, and was reaching out to the agency to see if we were willing to adopt a 3rd baby from her. Right away we said yes. There really isn't a question when it comes to these sort of things. They are siblings, so it didn't matter. All I asked was if it was a boy or girl. Boy. I didn't ask if he was healthy, how big he was, etc. It really didn't matter. This was their brother and that's all we had to know. You see, we had this conversation before (my husband and I), that if their birthmother had another baby, there would be no question in the matter. We would do what was right. This was her 7th baby. SEVENTH. The agency informed us she is now living in a motel with her 4 she parents. She had told the agency the baby would not be placed with anyone else if we did not agree to adopting him. By the end of the phone call, we were told we needed to immediately expedite a home study. This was at 5pm on a friday night.
I immediately got off the phone, and called our adoption attorney we had used in the past. She stated that had their birthmother contacted me directly, she could have gotten everything pushed through court within a week. The baby was due to be discharged on Monday, and she urged me to do everything within my power to contact their birthmother directly. If I could, we could be there upon his discharge and bring him home. If we used the agency, not only would they want $10,000 or more for placement, they would keep him in interim care for a month or more til all of the paperwork is done.
The only thing I could think to do is start calling every hospital I could think of in the area which she lived. I would ask for her by name in the L&D floor. I spent ALL night calling every hospital I could think of. NONE of them had a patient by that name. Then, finally, the day after something dawned on me. There was one hospital I had called that rang and rang and rang. I decided to call it back at 7am and ask for her. The janitor answered. Somehow the number I had wasn't for the admission desk. He transferred me and low and behold, SHE WAS THERE. I got her room number, direct phone number and they stated they would transfer me but it was early the phones may not be on.
I called back around 9am. I was transferred to L&D and a nurse stated she was there, and wanted to know who I was. I explained I was the adoptive mother of her 2 children and that if she didn't want to talk to me it was ok. She put me on hold and......
SHE ANSWERED. I asked her if it was ok that I was calling and if it wasn't, she could hang up at any time. She stated she wanted to speak with me. I explained the process above and that we could be there the next day (it was Sunday). She stopped me and said, well, that's kind of changed. My dad died yesterday. Out of 7 children, this was her first boy. She stated that she felt like God gave her this baby because He knew her father would die. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?? I tried to tell her how sorry I was and she began to cry that she loved me and had always gotten my pictures and letters but couldn't figure out a way to write her feelings on paper back to me. She then began to tell me she hasn't lived at the address I was mailing things to in about 2 years. 2 years. For 2 years she hasn't gotten anything. So, I began to tell her all about the girls.
I won't go into further detail because it is private the things we spoke about. I will state that the person on my oldest daughters paperwork, who is listed as her birthfather is a complete lie. This has led to numerous health tests and things that never needed to be done to her. I am very angry inside over that. VERY. She never even asked me about them. All of the things she knows about them, I provided information on. It struck me a few days later that she didn't ask a single question. Looking back, it was a very weird conversation. However, she did say that now, her family knows about the girls. At the time of placement, they didn't. She stated her 4 older girls always talk about meeting Noelani. This is another strange piece of conversation....she seemed to be interested in my oldest more than my little one. I still cannot figure that piece of it out. I got a little more info on why she placed Noelani, but, not a clear explanation on Kai.
I began to offer the thought that I would LOVE an open relationship with her. If this summer she wanted to meet up to see the girls, we would absolutely make it happen. I reiterated myself 100x that I do NOT judge anyone, and all that matters is she gave these girls life, and all the other things don't matter if she is worried about judgement. She was SO open and cried a few times on the phone with me. She never did ask if the girls knew about the baby, or any other questions about them. This will play into my feelings later on. She ended the conversation that as soon as her phone was paid and turned back on and charged, which it "should be by now", she would send me some pictures. I told her that was great and I would wait to hear from her.........
Click here to read part 2.

Will we adopt again?

Sure....maybe.....eh, I don't know. I really DON'T know. I always wanted 4 kids, but then I had 1 and I was happy....then I had 2 and I was SUPER happy. Now, my 2 no longer need me to watch every single move. They plan independently and with one another. They sleep in until 10:30 in the am, and if they wake up before that, they can go make a simple breakfast and watch TV until I can gather the strength for coffee.
My girls want a brother. I always wanted to have boys. I also always wanted to be a foster parent, and I still do.
Right now, Kailani is going through some testing at a local Children's hospital for some behavioral issues that we are trying to pinpoint.(i.e. autism, adhd, ocd, spd). So, until that is all handled, I don't believe it's fair to bring another child into our home. I would like to make sure she has everything in order for what she needs to be a successful child and not to bring any confusion into her life.
SO....maybe.....someday. And if it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that too.

Let's talk PADS......(Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome)

Ah. Where have I been? I'm back, with a rather important post, which will explain where I have been.
When Noelani came home, it was following YEARS of infertility treatments. I had every doctor known to man in my hooha, and had been poked with more needles than a pin cushion. Through every tear I ever cried, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Long before Antoine & I became married, I would look online at foster care sites and look at the children "available" for adoption. This was even before I knew I had fertility issues!!! There was always something inside me that wanted to adopt. So, when it came down to HOW to build a family, adoption wasn't a hard choice for me. For the sake of my own sense of self, we went as far as trying in vitro. I had that one last thing in me that said "Try it now, because when you are 45 you will wish you tried just ONCE", and so we did. It didn't work. BUT, exactly 9 months after that in vitro failed, Noelani was born! Lots of other little boring details made it apparent to us, that Noelani was supposed to be our daughter from day 1.
Fast forward about 2 years later. That's when we went through THIS shit: Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on. Yeah, I was just about certain of our life of 3 being just what it always would be. I blocked that entire situation out of my memory as best as I could. BUT, something within me wouldn't block it all out. In fact, that whole situation made me realize we needed to be foster parents. Antoine worked at a home for troubled teenagers at the time, and we decided we would open our doors to children who needed help. We would show them love and kindness and that the world wasn't such a shitty place. We would be foster parents. When and IF the time came, we would possibly adopt again. BUT, I wasn't even so sure that this was the right decision. I figured we would get our first placement and if it didn't feel right, we could always gracefully bow out.
Well, as the story goes, one day while at work, THIS happened: Kailani was born! My knees buckled....literally. Well, read that link if you want the full story. BUT, within months, we went from a very awful, drawn out, ugly failed placement, to becoming foster parents, to being told our daughter had a sister! (I also never really told anyone, but that first link above, where we got attached to that little boy, well, about a month after that all happened, his mom called to tell me she was pregnant and that she wanted us to adopt her baby she was pregnant with.....I told her to call her dr, planned parenthood, someone else...not us. She had the baby around Christmas by the way, and never told her family. Her sister contacted me on FB the night she gave birth. I told her sister she had asked us to adopt, and that I hoped everything worked out for her). PHEW!!!!
OK OK OK....SO....why did I disappear from the blogging world???? PADS. What is pads??? Go ahead.....start to type "Post Adoption" into your google search bar. If yours is fancy like mine, it usually gives suggestions as to the common searched items. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome pops up in the list. But, how could something SO common NEVER EVER once be mentioned in all of the adoption and foster care classes we took?!!?!?
MONTHS, MONTHS of these crazy symptoms and all I could think is what the f*ck is wrong with me???? Here I was, a stay at home mom, my family of 4, and with a new business. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be thankful??? The NY times wrote an article that talked about the things that NOW I can see:

One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said. “Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained

I LOVED my girls so much, but I was having SUCH a hard time meeting everyone's expectations of how I should feel. Kailani cried all.day.long. She was the perfect little angel for about a couple days when she came home. She was this itty bitty helpless little peanut. But, she was placed in our arms out of no where. I felt like someone was going to come knocking on my door and say "Oops, we made a mistake and she really has to leave now"....so something inside told me not to get too close to her. Someone was going to take her away, this couldn't be SO perfect. Then there was the crying....oh my poor sweetest Kailani and her CONSTANT crying unless I held her. I embraced it, I had no choice....I do not believe in cry it out. So, I wore her....all day. The only time I put her down was to briefly shower. I had to explain to Noelani that she HAD to cry while I showered. She was safe, fed, changed etc. Her sleep....she didn't sleep UNLESS she was on top of me. For nearly 12 months I had an infant sleeping on top of me for every.single nap and night. I couldn't lay her next to me because she would wiggle her itty bitty body UNDER me. Lets also mention once again how FAST and crazy this adoption was. Antoine got ZERO time off of work except to go pick her up. He literally went to work the night we came back home. I was left with a 2.5 year old and newborn baby all by myself every single night AND day (because he was working doubles since I had NO paid time off of work). I was alone, tired, and felt helpless. I will never forget my mom asking me if I was ok. Did I regret adopting Kailani?? Did I love her?? YES YES....I did. But, I couldn't explain what was wrong with me!!!!!!

The U.S. Administration for Children and Families describe the warning signs of Post-Adoption Depression as:

• Loss of interest in being around others
• Often on the verge of tears
• Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
• Significant weight change
• Excessive guilt
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Feelings of worthlessness
• A sense of hopelessness
• Loss of enjoyment
• Irritability
• Recurring thoughts about death or suicide

I pretty much had almost all of those warning signs, but I loved my baby and my toddler SO much. Why was I SUCH a horrific person (in my mind)??? One thing I know with all of my heart, is that if I didn't have that in home daycare I was running, I wouldn't have pushed through this. I wouldn't be where I am today. That was a very hard time for me. I didn't even confide it in my husband. I felt like the most horrible human being on earth. I felt like all of the time and energy and love for Noelani was sucked out of me by now having Kailani. She was such a needy baby and I didn't know how to process that and still feel like a good mom. Remember I was supposed to be a "superparent"????? Noelani was the EASIEST baby on earth....and an even easier toddler. I felt like I was a horrible mom because Kai was taking all of that away from us. In hindsight I know how ridiculous that is. It's so stupid and far from the truth, but when I was in that fog, I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I was ruining Noelani's life and that someone was going to come and take this baby away from me. I stopped blogging because I felt like I couldn't really be REAL anymore. I became a mom to a newborn, left my job of 7 years and opened a daycare....all while feeling like the most incompetent person on planet earth!!

How did I get through it?? I'm not really sure!!! I don't have an "aha!" moment to say this is the day I knew things would be ok. Things just seemed to get better. They got easier. Kailani became happier and her adoption became FINAL. Nobody could take my baby. She began to play with Noelani. In my brain, Noelani was happy to have a sister, so I guess I didn't ruin her life after all??? 

All of these thoughts might seem absurd to someone else. They seem crazy to me now as well, looking back. BUT I feel like this was a really important topic to blog about before entering back into this "blogosphere". Everyone knows that women can get PPD, but NOBODY talks about PADS. I wish there was a flyer given out when you adopt that says "HERE, this can happen to you."......I also wish I had some sort of resource to lean on when it was happening and I was going through it. I had my family, but I didn't think they would understand. I had my doctors, but again, I just figured they would brush me off. But I really really URGE women going through it to seek help. I would have been over it MUCH quicker if I would have swallowed my pride and admitted what I was going through.

PLUS.....How could I NOT love this little face????? I mean come on, how kissable is she???

In the end, I have found that my heart loves both of these girls exactly the same but for different reasons. Kailani has turned out to have some challenges that I will blog about at another time, but I wouldn't want anyone to be her mama other than me, and I wouldn't want ANYONE else in the world to hold her hand in life as she walks through it all. I really believe that God made her just for us, and it kills me inside that I ever struggled at one point to connect and be happy when she came home.

Three years!!

My dearest baby girl Noelani-three years ago today, we were packing the van up to drive and meet you. How can it be three years have gone by?! You gave me LIFE, you made us what you tell me everyday-BEST FRIENDS. You tell me everyday "mommy you're my best friend". Baby girl, if you only knew how much I love you and how much YOU are my best friend!
I cannot imagine my life without you for one second. I still seem to wonder how did I get so lucky and become a mom to the most kind spirited little girl. I hope nobody ever steals that spirit from you.
You made us a family. I am so honored to be your mommy!! I will never forget the first time I looked into those big brown eyes of yours. Fate brought you to me, and I just wish I could slow the clock down to savor every moment we have together!
I love you with all of my heart Noelani Ailynn! Thank you for being my daughter, and making me a mommy!!

Going to say goodbye

WELL...it's been an interesting span of my life....just about 7 years actually, and I am leaving it. I'm leaving my job. I never thought I would be saying this. But it's time. My girls need me.
I'm going to be returning for approximately a month or so on Dec 18th. My mother and husband will split up watching the girls until I am finished working.
While I have been off of work, I have been working towards being licensed as a daycare provider. My licensing is just about complete. By mid January, I will be a licensed daycare provider in my home. My plan is just to take a few kids in to supplement our income. We will go on my husbands health insurance, and I will stay home with the girls this way.
I never saw myself as a stay at home mom - so hopefully being busy all day will keep ME busy enough! I am looking forward to this. It is a decision I threw around when Noelani was a baby. I never decided to do it because the cost of daycare didn't really outweigh the benefits of working full time. However, it is now apparent that to send my 2 girls to daycare, I will be handing my paycheck over for someone else to raise my kids. I also started throwing around the idea of home schooling Noelani, and so with ALL of these things going on, the best way to handle it all is going to be for me to be home.
Noelani went to a really close friends daycare, which I am thankful for because I never had to worry! She developed SO much better than I could ever have imagined as far as her skills of knowing her shapes, numbers, letters, etc. I credit that to my friend, because she really works with the kids at her daycare. I hope that I can provide those skills for other parents and their children.
I absolutely love and adore children, so I know that I will be completely ok in that aspect of nurturing all of the kids! I worked in a daycare for quite a few years back in college, and it was my favorite job. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and get a real job back then, or I would probably have never left that field.Noey went part time up until the baby came home, but Antoine is looking for a new job. That means I would have to put both girls in full time 40+ hours a week. YIKES!
Hopefully this is going to be the best fit for us for now. If not, well, it will work out. I am not going to stress over it. This is what seems like the best decision, so we shall see!!
If anyone needs daycare, pass the word and give them my info! Oh - and wish me luck. I sit behind a desk for 37.5 hours a week and program computers....this is TOTALLY going to be a change in pace for me!

This is not how I want things to happen

Why isn't our daughter home yet? Contact issues!!!! Her birthmom, mom, whatever people may label her at this point has not contacted our agency back in a week. Let me make it clear that if you are speculating shes going to keep the baby or change her mind, she has not seen the baby since Aug 24. It is impossible for me to imagine her changing her mind at this point.
It is driving us crazy because the agency has to follow certain protocols before they can just show up at her house. Antoine and I are concerned that something may have happened to her but i know that is just me being pessimitic AND me thinking "how on earth could she not call and ask about her baby for a week?!". BUT i must look at things in her point of view. I would imagine she must separate herself from this to some extent or she would go crazy.
I also found out today that the agency took a week to call us after the baby was born to "sort things". It had nothing to do with birthmom or any thought of her changing her mind. It was simply them making sure the baby was healthy and then them digging through paperwork for our contact info It kind of makes me wonder what birthmom does with our pics and letters since we always put out address and phone info in there. Ah well i could wonder 100 different scenarios. At this point they are waiting for her to call back responding to their letter. Prayers that it doesnt go further. They discussed getting DCFS involved and that is REALLY not how i want things to happen.
We offered through email tonight to pay someone at the agency to go to her home by Wed if no contact was made. Legally i am not sure if they have to send the DCFS letter first. Again, this is totally not how i want it to go. I think she really does not understand the urgency of this paperwork.
I have to admit tonight, Antoine tried texting the # we have for her. No response. We tried to call the # and blocked our number and again no answer. No voicemail picked up either. So i have no clue if that is even a valid number, nor do I know if its not working properly.
All we can do is wait and let the agency do what they must. At this point i hate to be negative towards birthmom but she is really making me feel this baby would be safer with us. Again, I want her here asap. But i also want birthmom not to feel pressured, nor do I need or want her changing her mind when she signs (NY has a 30 day period after signing). It isnt as simple as her saying gee i just want the baby back, BUT she could challenge it within that time frame. SO it is best to know this is everything she chose and was not forced into feeling.
Hopefully by next week we will for sure know something if it makes it as far as the agency visiting her home.

Another day

And another day goes by. Our baby girl is stuck in interim care while she could be home with her big sister. This really breaks my heart.
A letter went out to Noelanis birthmother requesting she responds asap. If there is no response, they will then follow up with a letter stating that DCFS is going to be called. They are hoping that will make her respond since she currently parents 4 children.
Prayers are needed, so this little angel can come HOME.
This is Not how I wanted to see things happen, but it is clear to me that she. Is not going to respond any other way!

Waiting

Thats all there is left to do. Noelanis birthmom last had contact with the agency this past Friday. She said she would call monday (2 days ago) and set up a time to sign surrender this week. She stated on friday exactly what i had assumed. Life was overwhelming for her as a single mom of 4 girls returning to school.
They have left two messages with her this week and are going to be mailing a letter and stopping by. Since we have been through this with her before, while I am a bit concerned, I am not shocked.
With Noelani, as you all know, she was in care for nearly 3 months. The entire time, she would take on average 3 days to return calls. I dont know why. I hate to judge. But as humans i think its normal to think "what the hell could she not be calling back for?!"
We heard the intake report tonight. Her BM found out she was pregnant 3 months along. From day one she knew she would place this baby. That makes things a bit harder of a pill for me to swallow. She did nothing to plan placement.
On a brighter note, she was elated that we said we would adopt the baby and keep the girls together. She did not name the birthfather this time around. Many have asked. HOWEVER I did get a description of him in the intake letter. I believe it is the same birthfather as Noelani. I will not post details, but if it isn't, she was dating the same type of guy with the same profession.
Another good note is that the agency will accept our foster care homestudy - yay to saving $500!!!!!!!!!
Now all we need is for her to return the call.....which Antoine feels confident will happen shortly.

How did we get here?

HOW did this happen?! Everyone wants to know!!!! I am just as shocked as everyone who is about to read this!!!
As everyone now knows, Antoine & I worked very hard all summer to become foster parents. We just got the green light...and since Antoine works for the agency as a counselor in their group homes, he needed a special piece of paper signed. This paper was given the green light and signed by the director this past Tuesday. It is in the midst of being transferred to the foster care office. Our social worker is currently on vacation until Tuesday.
With that being said, knowing we are going to be foster parents, I've been collecting items for potential children who may enter our home. My biggest thing was clothing. Alot of children come in to care with nothing.On Friday am, as I was driving to work, I saw a garage sale. I kicked myself in the butt because as I passed by I saw TONS of little kid/girl stuff. I just told myself "well, I guess on lunch I will stop by". Lunch time rolled around, and before I went there, I stopped and sold a pair of Noelani's old curtains to someone I worked with. SO I thought well I will just limit myself to this $10 and not bother running to the bank. Off I went to the garage sale with my $10. When I got there, I saw a table of girls clothing. I kind of looked quickly, and noticed it said "$5 for everything on the table". I thought - WELL, even if I only keep 5 things from this pile, its worth it. So the guy asked if I had a girl the size of the clothing, and I said "no, just picking them up for foster kids"....he said "WOW thats great, you are a saint for doing that...I tell ya what, see all of that stuff over there? If you want you can have everything $10". The other table had 4 bins under it and another pile and a box. I left that garage sale with my back seat and trunk STUFFED with 6 boxes of baby clothes up to size 7/8 for $10!
I ran to McDonalds (yuk GAG) - since it was right around the corner and I had to FLY back to work. When I got back to work, I told the 4 ladies I work with about the great deal on the clothes I just got. They were all shocked and thought it was awesome. Next thing I knew, I approached my desk to charge my phone and noticed I had THREE missed calls and a voicemail. Funny I thought. My intial thought was that it was Walgreens or Target leaving me a message that SOMEONE in our family had medication to be picked up. For some reason, they always have auto systems that have out of area phone numbers. THEN it hit me.....WAIT....this is SPENCE CHAPIN CALLING (Noelanis adoption agency)!
I have to say, my blood from my body felt like it drained at that very moment. Everyone knows I long for an open adoption, and to have Spence Chapin calling - I just couldn't foresee good news. TRUTHFULLY I had flashes of them telling me something horrible happened to Noeys birthparents. For those 30 seconds (which felt like 45 minutes), as I was returning the agencies call, I had visions of how I was going to tell Noelani that she would never meet her birthmom because something happened. I got the workers voicemail. PANIC. This is NOT good I thought. I gained my composure and began leaving a message. WAIT I thought...maybe it's not so bad....maybe her BM just called Spence Chapin because we haven't sent her a letter and pics in a long time...SHAME on me I thought. She probably called and was upset and they are calling us to see why!!!!
Just as I was leaving the message, my cell phone rang. It was Spence Chapins worker - "Hi Jennifer...I'm calling you because I have some news about birthmom (keeping her name out of this in the blog post)" *(omg omg omg I thought...I can't believe it...it's bad news....something happened)*....I think everything stopped moving at that moment. The room stopped, and I couldn't even feel my heart beating.
The next words were...."she delivered a baby girl last week".....My response? "oh....MY......GOD"
It was that very moment, the 5 girls I worked with that day, all jumped and said "WHATS WRONG!!!!!" I proceeded to hear the social worker say "well, BM wanted us to call you and see if you are interested in adopting this baby"...."YES YES YES OF COURSE!!!!!!!!" Here I had the worked on the phone and i'm yelling to my supervisor "CALL ANTOINE!!!"
She called Antoine and as he later told me, he thought I was in a car accident (what is with us being so pessimistic!!!!). She said "I have news for you but hang on, Jenn has to tell you". The social workers talking in my ear, and I'm waving my supervisor on "tell him tell him!!!!"
She proceeds to tell me the baby has been in their "supervision/care" since she was 2 days old. She has jaundice and is being monitored. Shes a healthy 7lbs and 21". Same exact medical history as Noey of course.
She asks me if I have any questions....NONE. I don't have a single one. This baby could have 4 toes and be blind in one eye and we would still say yes. This is Noelanis SISTER. She belongs with her sister. There's only 2 options for this little girl. Our house or BM's....and BM has made the decision it won't be hers - not because she doesn't love her. Because she loves her THAT much to choose this for her. She gave her life. The biggest gift of all that I could never give this baby girl!!!!
So, when she asks if I had questions....my response was "NO....but can you relay a message to her for us?? I want you to tell her that we love her...we tell her this in our letters...but we really really love her....and if she wants to be there for placement we would love her to meet up with Noelani and meet her....and if she is not comfy at the agency, we can meet her at a park afterwards!!!!"
How fast can we get her?!! Well, it was about 1:57pm and Spence Chapin was closing for the weekend until Tuesday because of the labor day holiday. BM now has to sign paperwork to relinquish rights. Once all of that is done, and our current homestudy is sent, we can get her!!! In all reality and truth....it won't be until late this week, EARLY next. I was advised to call our foster care place, and see IF they would release the home study, and if so, was it ok for a private adoption.
I spent the next hour on the phone TRYING to get ahold of someone at that office. AGAIN everyone was gone on vacation. AHHHH I wanted to scream. I left 4 people voicemails, called and was transferred everywhere. Someone finally called me back....he said they wouldn't refuse transfer of it, but they need to speak to Spence Chapin and are not sure if it's good enough for private adoption. I now have an email out to our original social worker who did Noelanis home study. I am PRAYING that since our fingerprints and background stuff all was done, that somehow the two can be merged by the end of this week!!!!
So, now we wait until Tuesday am.....at 9:00 when both places open. To say we are on pins and needles is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR understatement.
Oh and does Noelani understand? WELL....we told her she was going to have a baby sister...she replied "I'm a BROTHER" lol!!!! Tonight we asked her what did she want to name the baby?.....We said, do you want her to have a similar name? "Yes daddy" she replied....he said "What do you want to name your sister?"....She replied "Chicken nugget". Guess we will have to work on that one...hahhahhaha!!

EDITED TO ADD:
Two things I wanted to add that I forgot. When I got home after work, I unloaded the boxes of clothes. As I sat on the kitchen floor going through them, I just said...WELL I guess I will be donating all of these to the foster agency....as I went through the boxes....there were baby girl clothing in there....0-3 months and 3-6 month clothing. CRAZY!!!!!
Ok, I lied....3 things to add. SECOND...tonight, I sat down to braid Noeys hair, and she asks if she can watch Dora. WELL, I turn on Nick Jr...and what episode starts? The "Dora's going to be a big sister" episode!!!!!
I believe in fate, and these are just signs to me!
LASTLY....I would like to put this out there. YES, I'm sure it may have crossed peoples minds. And, if it hasn't GOOD FOR YOU. BUT...NO Noelani's birthmom does NOT have some crazy life that prevents her from parenting. In fact, she HAS 4 children that she currently parents day in and day out. She does not have some wacky drug addiction or alcohol addiction as some people have so rudely asked me. She is a perfectly decent person from the information I have about her. She just does not have the means to take care of another child financially. THESE were her decisions.

"my cakes fell"

Normally Noelani and I have to wake up around 5:30 on weekdays. This allows us time to shower, get dressed, get her to daycare & get myself to work by 7am. Every fourth week I dont start until 8:30am.
This week being an 8:30 week means we can "sleep in" until 7. As she is getting older she has been sleeping a bit later until almost 8:00 some days!
WELL, this morning I woke up to her screaming hysterically. When I listened to the monitor i could hear her saying something fell. I have wondered for a while now if she has dreams at night. Well i guess so!! When i ran into her room she was crying "MY CAKES FELL MOMMY. MY CAAAAKES". She was dreaming about some cake that apparently fell hahahahahahah!!!!
This girl loves her sweets!

Surgery

This is kind of a random post. But I just downloaded the app on my iphone so i'm trying it out.
I was scrolling through pictures of my baby girl and I have to say, I am so happy we opted for her to have her surgery last year. Some may not know but Noelani had an AWFUL "tongue tie" as they call it. In fact the surgeon said it was probably the worst she ever saw!!
Anyway, because of the surgery mu baby can now do one of the simplest things in the world:

Sickness

WELL, we were hoping to finish our remodeling by the end of this weekend. My body said otherwise!!!
Ever have one of those weeks you just wish you could reset??
Sunday night I couldn't sleep, and for some reason Noelani ended up in my bed. I FINALLY fell asleep around 4am, and have to be up at 530am. I decided I would call work and tell them I would come in at 830 instead and try to snooze a bit.
The next am, I woke up in a panic when I realized it was 6:57am and I start at 7am! Once again, called work to come in late. By that evening, I felt SO nauseous. I was spiking a fever and could barely stand.
Come Wednesday, I woke up, went downstairs, and IMMEDIATELY turned around to head for my phone and bed - I was NOT going to work in this condition. With that being said, anyone with a 2 year old knows, it's impossible to "rest" if you are sick. Daddy came home at 930am, but a little girl named Noelani kept sneaking upstairs.
I didn't so much mind her coming in - cause I know she wanted to snuggle, but I was so terrified I would get her sick! I pretty much laid in bed all day, drank some squirt and slept in between being used as a trampoline by her.
Thursday rolled around, and I still felt like crap but went to work. All day long, I was just feeling awful and my fever still wouldn't break. The problem and reason why i forced myself, is that Noelani, for the past 2 winters is the SICKEST child I know. I am PRAYING that now she has her singulair as a respiratory controller for her asthma, that this won't be the issue this coming winter. BUT, it has left me with little to no time to take off of work.
I pushed through thursday, until the afternoon, when  I started feeling like I was swallowing razor blades. Friday am, I forced myself to work again....but felt even worse. I called the dr and the latest they could see me after work was 2pm. My boss said no problem and even offered if i was feeling too sick that i could leave. I took her up on that and called the office back, got an appointment for 45 min later and was gone.
Strep throat, antibiotics, and ibuprofen 800mg later, in tears, I was headed home with dr orders to "rest in bed". I go home, to a whiney little girl, who starts telling me "Mommy, I need a bandage for me forehead". She kept crying and rubbing her head. She had already taken an 1.5 hr nap before I got home...but a couple hours later, around 2 she was ready to sleep again. She kept crying and I told antoine "something is NOT right".
We dozed off, and I kept getting woken up by her whimpering in her sleep. All of a SUDDEN I hear gagging, AND, (mind you I am STILL sick and nauseous), she beings puking ALL over me, AND the bed. Our electric seemed to not be working as I sat up. I yelled for Antoine and I finally got her into the tub....and was told we had an "electrical issue" with the remodeling. Uhm, yeah our living room and what is soon to be dining room had no electric. Needless to say I started freaking out. Finally got an electrician here (thank GOD) on a friday night at 8pm and after 1.5 hrs he fixed our issue.
My parents meanwhile were over (mom helping me and Noey, Dad helping Antoine). My wonderful sister went to the store and dropped off some MORE crackers and pop lol and added some pedialyte to that order! We spent our Friday night eating soup and crackers.
Needless to say this weekend has been a WASTE. We have SO much to get done, and I still don't feel 100%!
Guess it goes to show you, when you get older, it is much more hard to get better as fast! This flu or whatever it is, has been lingering since last Tuesday evening and I JUST able to break this fever today - whereas, Noelani seems to be just about back to herself, except being a bit more tired!
Pays to be young I guess!!

Remodeling

AHHHHH....we are remodeling.
Turning our dining room to a bedroom, and our den/office to a dining room.
Excuse me while I lose my mind....
I shall return soon.

We are almost potty trained - dare I say it?

So, for months I've stressed over getting rid of stupid d.i.a.p.e.r.s!! Noelani's dr said "she's still young" - but WHY did it seem like I was the only one with a kid in diapers at 2 years old? I have heard and read all of these stories about kids being potty trained at 18 months old. Not my Miss Noelani....she wanted nothing to do with it. I could get her to pee or poop every once in a while but nothing consistent.

I invested in princess pull ups, a toilet seat potty, and a training potty. I explained to "tell mommy". I gathered toys, books, etc - nothing helped! My last resort, is that I have vacation at work scheduled for July, and my intent is not to leave the house....and if I have to duct tape her to the toilet I would - TOTALLY serious joking.

Well, Saturday 6.2.12 rolled around, and something in my mind clicked. I am so sick of buying diapers, and wipes, and a&d, etc. I KNOW she is smart enough to get this! She can fricken count in not only english, but spanish for God's sake and communicate simple sign language. She can name all of her shapes (including a hexigon and octagon!) and colors. My thought- there is no.excuse.

I busted out the 10 or so pairs of underwear I had for her, took her diaper off and told her, don't pee in the undies. If you use the potty, you get a piece of candy (a piece of pez - not totally thrilling, but for a kid who never gets candy it's like the greatest thing in the world). I sat her on the potty a minute later, ::tinkle:: she peed! I showed her how we dump, flush, rinse and get candy.

One accident....and then she went back on there once I asked......one time after that, she ran and forgot to pull the undies down and sat and peed on the potty through the undies (I'll take it!). Again, she went to play, forgot about the potty and peed in her toy room....BUT she told me "mommy I pooted" (her own weird word for pee). After that, we had a solid, evening free of accidents!!

Onto Sunday - we did great except for lunchtime. While eating lunch I heard trickles....she peed in her booster....it's ok, I expected it. That was her only accident.

Monday, I take her to daycare at 6:45 am, Daddy gets her at 9:45am. He brought her home, changed her into undies....and away she went with no accidents!! I got home at 3:15, she was just getting up from nap, sat on the potty - and that's how our evening went. NO ACCIDENTS.

She used the potty all evening, unprompted. The BIGGEST shock? When she came RUNNING from her toy room, ripped undies off, and did #2 on the potty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! At nighttime, I put a diaper on her, she was laying in bed crying "pee pee mommy downstairs". I ran to get the potty, she sat and peed!!! She woke up dry this am, and when I woke her up she said "pee pee!" She sat on the potty and peed once again! I put her in undies until we left for daycare this am at 6:30. I really don't want her to have an accident on the rug at daycare (since it's my friends house) - so the best option I had was to put her in a princess pull up and hope this deters her from peeing in it! Daddy will be there around 9:30 again so she can go home into undies!

It is now almost 8am and I just got a text saying she went potty at daycare. ::doing a happy dance::

I would hesitate to say it's this easy to potty train a child.....I can't even say i'm confident we are there....but I'm PRETTY darn sure we have a GREAT start to this!!!!!!!!!!

I am so proud of my princess!!!!

Recital time!

It's that time of year!!!!!! Next weekend is Noelani's very.first.recital! I am so nervous, yet excited for her. As you can see her costume is just to die for adorable!! She also has 2 little hair bows that match. She gets so excited when she puts it on and yells "PINCESS MOMMY, I PINCESS!!!!"
We started out this past September in gymnastics. That really wasn't working for us. The gymnasium was just way too big, and she could not keep focus. Soon after, we bought our house and knew it would be on the other end of town, so we decided to give dance a try. I am so glad we made that switch. She is much happier, and even though her little 2 year old mind has the attention span of a flea, the teachers are great at having her regain focus again.
Her first recital she is dancing to "Raindrops keep fallin' on my head". I haven't decided if I'm enrolling her in the same dance studio or not next year. The studio I really want to put her in requires she is potty trained by September....yikes! WELL, i'm off of work for a week in July, and our focus will be that - anyone have potty training tips???? They are GLADLY welcomed! We have been unofficially working on it here and there when I think of it - but never really SUPER serious about it.
Wish us luck!!!!

Where have we been? Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on

I will preface this post by saying it will be LONG. It will talk about some VERY difficult decisions we made as a family. Additionally, I am abbreviating names because I don't want ANYONE to know who I am talking about.
As many of you know, my daughter goes to daycare. About a year ago, her provider approached me about a little boy - I will refer to him as "J". He was at the time, around maybe 8 months old. I was told that a family at my daughters daycare was looking to place him for adoption. At the time, I gave my information to my daughters daycare provider, and she was going to pass it along. I never heard much about it from then on. That was ok with us, and I never really worried about it since we were content with where our family was at the time.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, about 4-5 weeks ago, my daughters daycare provider approached me again. She was contacted by this family again (whom no longer brought their kids to her), but they were once again trying to find a home for "J". THIS time though, my daughters provider was contacted by email and was told that "J" would be dropped off to an adoption agency that Friday if they could not place him with someone - he was now 18 months old. This email came from "J"'s aunt who I will refer to as "Aunt M".
Antoine and I were NOT looking to adopt right away. Ironically enough, within the prior week, we were approached by 2 other adoption scenarios which we chose not to pursue due to other reasons. However, after talking, we thought maybe "J" is supposed to be in our family, and now that it's almost a year later and they want to place him, they are ready to do this.
I contacted Aunt M and told her that we would be interested in more information. She replied and asked me to call her mother - "Grandma L". I promptly called Grandma L on my lunch and had a lengthy conversation with her. In which, she was in tears and crying how she could NOT take care of J anymore, and loved him, but that he needs a mom and dad - a family to love him. She proceeded to tell me that she had a lung illness, agoraphobia, and Crones . She told me that her husband had bone cancer. She explained to me that her daughter (J's mom) wanted nothing to do with J. J's mom I will call "C". She proceeded to tell me a story of how when J was around 6 months old, she showed up at C's house and found him locked in a laundry closet strapped into a carseat naked on dirty laundry screaming. She claimed that C neglected him. This is when she took J. Since that timeframe, J was bounced from house to house to house. The aunts, and grandma, and occasionally C would take him. When I was told occasionally, it was that Grandma L would have "enough" and CALL child protective services to make C take J back. This seemed to be a never ending cycle by what I was told. I was told that C claimed she just did not love J. She was neglectful to him and my heart broke as I heard this story. Apparently all of Grandma L's children (6) were up to "no good" so nobody else could take custody of J. C did not "love" J because he was conceived in a violent manner (I'm sure you can use your imagination to get to what I'm explaining).
Grandma L proceeded to email me a picture of J (which really didn't matter to me, because a child is a child). But, she then proceeded to invite me over. She claimed she only wanted Noelani and myself to come over, because she was afraid of men, so was J, and she has her agoraphobia. I was trying to be as sympathetic as possible so I agreed. This was on a Thursday, and that Saturday I had plans to go to her house. Saturday rolled around and she canceled and planned on Sunday. Sunday, I went to her house with Noey. He was outside alone in a swing drinking his bottle. We spent the late morning there letting the kids play, and she asked me quite a few questions. Her ultimate goal was to find a family for him and to have an open relationship. She wanted to visit him possibly 1-2 times a month. As you all know, I wish for an open adoption for my daughter, so that was NO problem with us! Fast forward to us leaving, and she set up for us to visit again that coming Wednesday. I was to go there and bring Noey again, and possibly take him to the park. THIS.NEVER.HAPPENED.
As Wednesday approached, Aunt M emailed me and stated that she wanted to talk to her sister - C - because she wasn't sure if this is what she wanted, and she wanted to see where C stood. I got nervous, and  it dawned on me - I never asked Grandma L if she had custody of J. Because of the situation I had just assumed grandma had custody. I called Grandma and asked her if she had custody. She told me no. In between all of this, I was also told that J had probably not been given any shots thusfar, and who knew when the last time he went to a dr was. I explained I was nervous that C would not want to do this, and Grandma got VERY upset with me. She said not to listen to what Aunt M said. Mind you, Grandma L has high stress level, so I was dealing with Aunt M so that it would reduce grandma's stress. She - Grandma L said she had told C all about me and that C loved the idea. I questioned about our meeting Wed, and was told it was still on. Wed rolled around and Grandma L called me while I was at work, she had to cancel once again because she didn't feel well. She then proceeded to ask me if I could start picking up J and bringing him with Noey to daycare 3 days a week "since I would be passing her house on the way to and from getting Noey". She said she would pay me gas $ and pay for daycare. I thought this was very odd. I talked to my daughters provider, and she said if I REALLY wanted her to do it she would for me.....but we kind of both decided it wasn't a good idea. Regardless, J had no immunizations, and that was needed for daycare. I called Grandma L back and explained this to her. She cut me off and VERY nasty said "well thats fine i will just find someone else. Look, maybe I will call you to set something up this weekend". I followed up our conversation with an email that said basically we would love to adopt J, but until we meet or talk to C, we cannot help further. Please let me know if she would talk with us. Sorry. Before all of this, I had sent a lengthy email regarding how we would transition him to our home. Of course every idea I had in there she said was a bad idea. BUT, when she was calling asking me about this daycare idea, she said once again in tears how "she cannot do this and that I asked when she wants J to transition to us and she wished it could be TODAY".
After that phone call, I became more insistent that I needed to meet C. This was C's decision. Not anyone elses. Aunt M understood this. We talked and Aunt M set up for C to come to our home. I was told that C was also nervous, so it would be easiest if it were just me and Noelani again. We did not find it necessary by this time to tell Grandma L this was happening. She had bad enough stress, and every time i talked to her, she was in tears about something different. I figured C may not even like us so why stress Grandma L about it if she didn't have to.
On Saturday, C came over with Aunt M. Noey had dance, so I rushed home from that, grabbed a dozen donuts and a jug of coffee. We sat and talked for hours. I got to know C and that it wasn't that she didn't love J, she just felt different about him than her other 2 kids, considering the circumstances. I found out that C was angry that Grandma L let me meet J without her consent. I could then understand where she was coming from. C wanted to see our family, see our home, etc. She explained what she had hoped for if J was adopted. She wanted J to still see her, she wanted J to know her siblings....and lastly, she wanted J to call her mom. This was the least of my worries....we could work on that I figured. She wanted also to possibly have him overnight. I was weary of this, only because I had heard such terrible abuse stories from Grandma L. I didn't want to adopt this little boy and then have him return to an abusive situation, OBVIOUSLY.
As C went to leave, we exchanged #'s. About 45 minutes later, I texted her and thanked her for coming over. I said thank you for her time and when she was ready to talk, just let me know. I never got a response that night. I didn't expect one. I talked to Aunt M and she was honest and didn't know what C was thinking. Two days later, Aunt M was taking C to an appointment, and hoped by then maybe she would have some type of decision. The next day, C texted me back. She explained it was a difficult decision, but she would like to see how J reacted to our family and would like time to talk to us about things further. Again, I could understand because this is a lifelong decision she was going to make.
On Monday, Aunt M took C to her appointment. This appointment was for food stamps and cash assistance. She put J on her case - which is interesting to me since  he didn't live with her - but she wanted to get things reinstated. I don't need to go into detail over why she didn't have them, etc...but that is what her appointment was for.
I later talked to C and we made plans to meet up on Friday. I took off of work and told her i would pick her up. I believe it was Tuesday then that Aunt M stated she was taking her kids to the park.....I brought Noey there and J was there as well. We all played together and barely talked about this whole adoption "thing". I told her I would talk to her later. Later that evening we made plans to have dinner the next night. I planned on having J, her kids, and Aunt M over. I bought dinner, and they came over to play. J met Antoine for the first time and we all got along wonderfully. The funny thing is, earlier that day, Aunt M asked me to call Grandma L  - her phone wasn't working but she wanted to make sure that she could still pick up J to come to our house. Grandma L answered and said yes J is napping, he'll be up soon. ODD thing is, a few days later, Grandma L denied this. As Aunt M left from this meeting, she explained that Grandma L wanted J around us as much as possible so that he was not fearful of us should he come to live with us. I understood. We made plans to possibly meet at the park the following day. Later that night, Aunt M texted me that Grandma L didn't want this and it was too much for J to go out everyday.
Thursday, C texted me and was stressed out. She needed food for her kids. I asked what did she need. She needed to know if she had her food stamps back. I offered to call her card for her. I called a couple of times. I went to lay down, and soon after that I got a text from her that said something along the lines "You want to take me to court and get my kid? You people are f*cking crazy". I was confused, and she went on to say that Aunt M told her if she didn't let us adopt him, that WE would take her for custody. First off, we never said that, second of all, Grandma L had apparently been telling Aunt M this. THIS is where it really was apparent too many "cooks" were in the kitchen.
After C calmed down, we agreed to still spend Friday together. Antoine & I went there to pick up her and J, along with one of her other kids. They came over and spent close to 6 or 7 hours at our house. I bought tons of lunchmeat, rolls, water, chips, etc. The kids all played together and got along great. J connected with Antoine and literally threw himself on the floor crying when Antoine had to leave for a bit.
At this point, C still had no food stamps. She called and ended up crying. I felt terrible. She went into great detail about her family. It was clear to me that Grandma L was now not wanting this adoption to happen. When C went to leave, she said she was pretty sure what she wanted to do. She loved how J got along with our family. She just had to talk to her mom because she didn't want Grandma L to be mad.
I drove C home, after I sent home a bag FULL of groceries for her and her kids. It was the least I could do, and I didn't want to take her grocery shopping. I didn't want her to think I was bribing her. On the way home I stopped so she could get a phone card with $10 she had - don't even ask!
When we got home, J and her other child were asleep. I carried J in, and she carried her other child. In her kitchen sat her mother....or what I thought was her mother - Grandma L. She didn't even look in my direction. Didn't wave or say hi. I thought maybe it wasn't her because it was dark and i had my sunglasses on.
Either way, I didn't hear from C until the next day. Apparently Grandma L let C keep J for a few days. J had a terrible fever. I offered to take C and J to the hospital if needed. C had mentioned in previous visits that her stress level gets way too high around him and she cannot take it. I offered to even take J for a few hours so that she did not get stressed. She didn't take me up on it, and said he probably had an ear infection. I couldn't MAKE someone do something - nor could I make her take J to a dr. In our conversations previously, she had stated she speculated that an old BF had previously broken J's toes when he was 6 months old. These details are only bits and pieces of stories we were told...but I'm hoping people can understand why we came to our decision.
The following day I didn't hear from her ALL day. I became worried when she finally responded late in the afternoon that she had been busy all am. She said s he would respond when she had time. I never heard from her. The next day, I texted again. By this time, C was not talking to Aunt M. They stopped talking when the fight about custody and courts came up. I tried texting C again, and finally became so worried I called Grandma L. I hadn't talked to Grandma L since almost a week prior.
When I called Grandma L she answered and said "WHAT DO YOU WANT IM TRYING TO EAT LUNCH". I was blown away. I asked if C was ok cause I hadn't heard from her. She said "she's fine i heard from her this am". I said ok, do you know what she is thinking now in terms of all of this?!....She responded nasty "well she is going to try and take care of him and thats what everyone involved wants, and i'm picking him back up friday". I was shocked and said "oh ok I wish she would have told me, but i will back away now and if you guys need me, you have my #".
I texted C and explained I wish she had told me she wanted to take care of him, and i respect that and I talked to her mom and wish her best of luck and to take care. She finally responded. She said "I don't know what the hell my mom told you". We texted back and forth and she explained she still hadn't decided. She was hoping by Friday she would know. She proceeded to ask me to drive her to the grocery store because she was going to borrow food stamps from someone. I wanted C to know she could trust our family. I wanted her to know she could trust I would follow through with what I promise, so I agreed to take her.
An hour or so later she called. I answered and C said "I'm not trying to be rude but don't ever f*cking call my mom again shes a rude b*tch". She said apparently when I called, her mom (Grandma L) said "don't have jenn ever call my f*cking house again she's a trouble maker". C explained that Grandma L didn't want me to take her shopping. Grandma L now was saying that I was a bad person and how she wants to be on adoption paperwork so she has rights to J and visitation. I never once denied her being able to see him. I was blown away.
I explained to C, touch base with me the following day. I would take her, but did not want to cause drama if I did. Meanwhile, Aunt M had stepped out of it all and just stayed friendly with me. Her heart ached because of course she had loved J and taken him places with her kids. But, she ultimately just wanted best for J.
The next day I didn't hear from C. Around 1pm, I texted her and asked if I was still taking her for groceries. She responded she was stressed out and had a terrible morning and someone called child abuse on her. They were there and wanted to take her kids. In short, she needed to come up with beds, and a couch, and other things for her children in order to keep them when CPS showed up again in a week. THIS is the story I was given. I have no idea regarding details. At this point, I honestly didn't know what was truth or not.
She didn't answer about the groceries...and proceeded to tell me she was taking a nap. I left work not hearing from her. I called her, and got her voicemail. I was PISSED. I put myself out there, and she couldn't even answer the phone?!
I returned home and sent her a text basically saying we couldn't do this anymore and proceed with this. Basically wished her the best and stated that her mom should have been more in tune with what she was heading into (adoption) and if it was a game she shouldn't have started this whole process.
I took the next day off of work. I was stressed beyond belief and lived with a migraine for 3 weeks. I slept all am, took Noey to the park, and dairy queen. As I got home, C texted. She said she was stressed out and  turned her phone off the prior day. I explained if she thought it was me who called CPS she was mistaken. She called me, we talked and talked. She stated how Grandma L said I was a bad person. Grandma L said I was OBSESSED and just wanted 4 kids in a prior conversation. (I explained to C that in our first meeting Grandma asked me how many kids I wanted and I explained I was not obsessed - I just wanted to see J in a safe family and to reach his potential).
C went on to explain she wanted to get her home the way CPS wants it, and then get J back maybe for a few weeks again to see if he could adjust. In that instant I knew pursuing this adoption was DONE. I offered her to check Craigslist for a couch and crib.
The next day I texted her and said basically I needed to know if keeping J was her decision. We are planning a Disney trip for Noelani on her 3rd bday and would cancel due to adoption costs if necessary. She never answered.
Since then I have never been given an explanation of why this turned out the way it did. J desperately needs speech therapy. In my opinion he needs occupational therapy as well. He is TERRIFIED when you lift him high, so I suspect other issues are going on as well. Our decision as a family was going to be having Head Start come in to access him immediately. We also discussed if he had possibly been autistic could we accept that - this was a concern of C's - not ours. We decided we would do whatever it took to give this little boy  a FAMILY, a LIFE, a CHANCE. THIS is why we never backed down. I am sure that I have missed a ton in between but these are the major bullet points I can come up with at this time.
I spent NUMEROUS hours on the phone with lawyers and child & family services. BEGGING people to help us with the financials of this possible unexpected adoption. I spent HOURS talking to lawyers about what steps to take...every scenario was explored. Even up to the very last moment she said her kids could be taken, I called our lawyer frantic in how to prevent J from foster care. I offered this information to C but she ignored me.
NOW.....the hard part.
Am I mad at anyone? NO. Do you think I'm lying when I say that? I really am not! I really have love in my heart for every single person involved. I cannot hate anyone. Aunt M has the shit end of it really. There were alot of accusations going around, and now neither Grandma L nor do C talk to her anymore. I don't think Aunt M meant ANY harm to anyone. She wanted what I wanted for J. A home. A family. A chance.
We opened our home, our lives, our everything to C. She came to our home, we gave her food, a ride, offered respite, offered to run her around....clearly we had love for her since we offered to do these things.
As for Grandma L - I think she is torn. She wants this for J, she knows its right...but the reality became too much for her and too overwhelming.
So, what do I think of open adoption? I STILL think it's a wonderful thing. I would love to still have that with a family. But I believe it is a very hard thing to do, and it would be something that all parties agree to. Would I ever approach a "private" adoption again? Hmm, I would have to think about that one!! Without involving lawyers or social workers, this was hard. I had to be the "social worker" and the "lawyer". Yet, I had to be the friend as well. It was very hard. To hold that hope still that maybe I shouldn't have walked away, still kills me. It still hurts me.
I hope everyone involved finds peace. Mostly, I hope J finds love in a family. I hope and pray every single day that J can have a mommy and daddy - but I think the odds of this aren't high. I think he is getting too old now, and at almost 2 years old, he will have attachment disorder. He wont be able to bond to a new family. As I said, he needs extensive therapy and I ache and cry inside that his opportunity for this has passed. I PRAY that he gets this.
In a way, I think this is as hard as a failed placement in adoption. We got to know and love J and his family. We LOVED C, Aunt M and Grandma L. We wanted them to be our extended family. We visited with them, and especially to let your heart love a little child like that. It was hard to decide to walk away....but unless everyone is on the same page and wanting the same thing. It.WONT.work.
That is the best advice I can give in all of this. Make sure everyone is on the same page. I hope maybe this helps someone else. Know when to cut yourself off.
So THIS is where we have been. I made the choice not to blog while going through this. I kept it to a minimum because I really had no idea which way this would go. I felt I needed to now, because I had alot of emotions inside of me, and the few people who knew, wanted to know the whole story. There is more to this and alot of details I left out, but these were the ones I felt comfortable sharing.
C knows that if in the very near future she changes her mind, she has our #. Unfortunately, as I said, with J being his age, time is against us all in this. But, I cannot keep chasing C, nor her mom. If this is what they want for J, they will choose it.I know that C loves J, or she wouldn't have met with us and explained how she feels....but I fear she is scared of how she will be viewed by others. That is the very sad part of adoption. That women have to worry how others will view her. Adoption is about love. A woman would NOT choose adoption if it weren't for the AMAZING love she has for her child.