Where have we been? Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on

I will preface this post by saying it will be LONG. It will talk about some VERY difficult decisions we made as a family. Additionally, I am abbreviating names because I don't want ANYONE to know who I am talking about.
As many of you know, my daughter goes to daycare. About a year ago, her provider approached me about a little boy - I will refer to him as "J". He was at the time, around maybe 8 months old. I was told that a family at my daughters daycare was looking to place him for adoption. At the time, I gave my information to my daughters daycare provider, and she was going to pass it along. I never heard much about it from then on. That was ok with us, and I never really worried about it since we were content with where our family was at the time.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, about 4-5 weeks ago, my daughters daycare provider approached me again. She was contacted by this family again (whom no longer brought their kids to her), but they were once again trying to find a home for "J". THIS time though, my daughters provider was contacted by email and was told that "J" would be dropped off to an adoption agency that Friday if they could not place him with someone - he was now 18 months old. This email came from "J"'s aunt who I will refer to as "Aunt M".
Antoine and I were NOT looking to adopt right away. Ironically enough, within the prior week, we were approached by 2 other adoption scenarios which we chose not to pursue due to other reasons. However, after talking, we thought maybe "J" is supposed to be in our family, and now that it's almost a year later and they want to place him, they are ready to do this.
I contacted Aunt M and told her that we would be interested in more information. She replied and asked me to call her mother - "Grandma L". I promptly called Grandma L on my lunch and had a lengthy conversation with her. In which, she was in tears and crying how she could NOT take care of J anymore, and loved him, but that he needs a mom and dad - a family to love him. She proceeded to tell me that she had a lung illness, agoraphobia, and Crones . She told me that her husband had bone cancer. She explained to me that her daughter (J's mom) wanted nothing to do with J. J's mom I will call "C". She proceeded to tell me a story of how when J was around 6 months old, she showed up at C's house and found him locked in a laundry closet strapped into a carseat naked on dirty laundry screaming. She claimed that C neglected him. This is when she took J. Since that timeframe, J was bounced from house to house to house. The aunts, and grandma, and occasionally C would take him. When I was told occasionally, it was that Grandma L would have "enough" and CALL child protective services to make C take J back. This seemed to be a never ending cycle by what I was told. I was told that C claimed she just did not love J. She was neglectful to him and my heart broke as I heard this story. Apparently all of Grandma L's children (6) were up to "no good" so nobody else could take custody of J. C did not "love" J because he was conceived in a violent manner (I'm sure you can use your imagination to get to what I'm explaining).
Grandma L proceeded to email me a picture of J (which really didn't matter to me, because a child is a child). But, she then proceeded to invite me over. She claimed she only wanted Noelani and myself to come over, because she was afraid of men, so was J, and she has her agoraphobia. I was trying to be as sympathetic as possible so I agreed. This was on a Thursday, and that Saturday I had plans to go to her house. Saturday rolled around and she canceled and planned on Sunday. Sunday, I went to her house with Noey. He was outside alone in a swing drinking his bottle. We spent the late morning there letting the kids play, and she asked me quite a few questions. Her ultimate goal was to find a family for him and to have an open relationship. She wanted to visit him possibly 1-2 times a month. As you all know, I wish for an open adoption for my daughter, so that was NO problem with us! Fast forward to us leaving, and she set up for us to visit again that coming Wednesday. I was to go there and bring Noey again, and possibly take him to the park. THIS.NEVER.HAPPENED.
As Wednesday approached, Aunt M emailed me and stated that she wanted to talk to her sister - C - because she wasn't sure if this is what she wanted, and she wanted to see where C stood. I got nervous, and  it dawned on me - I never asked Grandma L if she had custody of J. Because of the situation I had just assumed grandma had custody. I called Grandma and asked her if she had custody. She told me no. In between all of this, I was also told that J had probably not been given any shots thusfar, and who knew when the last time he went to a dr was. I explained I was nervous that C would not want to do this, and Grandma got VERY upset with me. She said not to listen to what Aunt M said. Mind you, Grandma L has high stress level, so I was dealing with Aunt M so that it would reduce grandma's stress. She - Grandma L said she had told C all about me and that C loved the idea. I questioned about our meeting Wed, and was told it was still on. Wed rolled around and Grandma L called me while I was at work, she had to cancel once again because she didn't feel well. She then proceeded to ask me if I could start picking up J and bringing him with Noey to daycare 3 days a week "since I would be passing her house on the way to and from getting Noey". She said she would pay me gas $ and pay for daycare. I thought this was very odd. I talked to my daughters provider, and she said if I REALLY wanted her to do it she would for me.....but we kind of both decided it wasn't a good idea. Regardless, J had no immunizations, and that was needed for daycare. I called Grandma L back and explained this to her. She cut me off and VERY nasty said "well thats fine i will just find someone else. Look, maybe I will call you to set something up this weekend". I followed up our conversation with an email that said basically we would love to adopt J, but until we meet or talk to C, we cannot help further. Please let me know if she would talk with us. Sorry. Before all of this, I had sent a lengthy email regarding how we would transition him to our home. Of course every idea I had in there she said was a bad idea. BUT, when she was calling asking me about this daycare idea, she said once again in tears how "she cannot do this and that I asked when she wants J to transition to us and she wished it could be TODAY".
After that phone call, I became more insistent that I needed to meet C. This was C's decision. Not anyone elses. Aunt M understood this. We talked and Aunt M set up for C to come to our home. I was told that C was also nervous, so it would be easiest if it were just me and Noelani again. We did not find it necessary by this time to tell Grandma L this was happening. She had bad enough stress, and every time i talked to her, she was in tears about something different. I figured C may not even like us so why stress Grandma L about it if she didn't have to.
On Saturday, C came over with Aunt M. Noey had dance, so I rushed home from that, grabbed a dozen donuts and a jug of coffee. We sat and talked for hours. I got to know C and that it wasn't that she didn't love J, she just felt different about him than her other 2 kids, considering the circumstances. I found out that C was angry that Grandma L let me meet J without her consent. I could then understand where she was coming from. C wanted to see our family, see our home, etc. She explained what she had hoped for if J was adopted. She wanted J to still see her, she wanted J to know her siblings....and lastly, she wanted J to call her mom. This was the least of my worries....we could work on that I figured. She wanted also to possibly have him overnight. I was weary of this, only because I had heard such terrible abuse stories from Grandma L. I didn't want to adopt this little boy and then have him return to an abusive situation, OBVIOUSLY.
As C went to leave, we exchanged #'s. About 45 minutes later, I texted her and thanked her for coming over. I said thank you for her time and when she was ready to talk, just let me know. I never got a response that night. I didn't expect one. I talked to Aunt M and she was honest and didn't know what C was thinking. Two days later, Aunt M was taking C to an appointment, and hoped by then maybe she would have some type of decision. The next day, C texted me back. She explained it was a difficult decision, but she would like to see how J reacted to our family and would like time to talk to us about things further. Again, I could understand because this is a lifelong decision she was going to make.
On Monday, Aunt M took C to her appointment. This appointment was for food stamps and cash assistance. She put J on her case - which is interesting to me since  he didn't live with her - but she wanted to get things reinstated. I don't need to go into detail over why she didn't have them, etc...but that is what her appointment was for.
I later talked to C and we made plans to meet up on Friday. I took off of work and told her i would pick her up. I believe it was Tuesday then that Aunt M stated she was taking her kids to the park.....I brought Noey there and J was there as well. We all played together and barely talked about this whole adoption "thing". I told her I would talk to her later. Later that evening we made plans to have dinner the next night. I planned on having J, her kids, and Aunt M over. I bought dinner, and they came over to play. J met Antoine for the first time and we all got along wonderfully. The funny thing is, earlier that day, Aunt M asked me to call Grandma L  - her phone wasn't working but she wanted to make sure that she could still pick up J to come to our house. Grandma L answered and said yes J is napping, he'll be up soon. ODD thing is, a few days later, Grandma L denied this. As Aunt M left from this meeting, she explained that Grandma L wanted J around us as much as possible so that he was not fearful of us should he come to live with us. I understood. We made plans to possibly meet at the park the following day. Later that night, Aunt M texted me that Grandma L didn't want this and it was too much for J to go out everyday.
Thursday, C texted me and was stressed out. She needed food for her kids. I asked what did she need. She needed to know if she had her food stamps back. I offered to call her card for her. I called a couple of times. I went to lay down, and soon after that I got a text from her that said something along the lines "You want to take me to court and get my kid? You people are f*cking crazy". I was confused, and she went on to say that Aunt M told her if she didn't let us adopt him, that WE would take her for custody. First off, we never said that, second of all, Grandma L had apparently been telling Aunt M this. THIS is where it really was apparent too many "cooks" were in the kitchen.
After C calmed down, we agreed to still spend Friday together. Antoine & I went there to pick up her and J, along with one of her other kids. They came over and spent close to 6 or 7 hours at our house. I bought tons of lunchmeat, rolls, water, chips, etc. The kids all played together and got along great. J connected with Antoine and literally threw himself on the floor crying when Antoine had to leave for a bit.
At this point, C still had no food stamps. She called and ended up crying. I felt terrible. She went into great detail about her family. It was clear to me that Grandma L was now not wanting this adoption to happen. When C went to leave, she said she was pretty sure what she wanted to do. She loved how J got along with our family. She just had to talk to her mom because she didn't want Grandma L to be mad.
I drove C home, after I sent home a bag FULL of groceries for her and her kids. It was the least I could do, and I didn't want to take her grocery shopping. I didn't want her to think I was bribing her. On the way home I stopped so she could get a phone card with $10 she had - don't even ask!
When we got home, J and her other child were asleep. I carried J in, and she carried her other child. In her kitchen sat her mother....or what I thought was her mother - Grandma L. She didn't even look in my direction. Didn't wave or say hi. I thought maybe it wasn't her because it was dark and i had my sunglasses on.
Either way, I didn't hear from C until the next day. Apparently Grandma L let C keep J for a few days. J had a terrible fever. I offered to take C and J to the hospital if needed. C had mentioned in previous visits that her stress level gets way too high around him and she cannot take it. I offered to even take J for a few hours so that she did not get stressed. She didn't take me up on it, and said he probably had an ear infection. I couldn't MAKE someone do something - nor could I make her take J to a dr. In our conversations previously, she had stated she speculated that an old BF had previously broken J's toes when he was 6 months old. These details are only bits and pieces of stories we were told...but I'm hoping people can understand why we came to our decision.
The following day I didn't hear from her ALL day. I became worried when she finally responded late in the afternoon that she had been busy all am. She said s he would respond when she had time. I never heard from her. The next day, I texted again. By this time, C was not talking to Aunt M. They stopped talking when the fight about custody and courts came up. I tried texting C again, and finally became so worried I called Grandma L. I hadn't talked to Grandma L since almost a week prior.
When I called Grandma L she answered and said "WHAT DO YOU WANT IM TRYING TO EAT LUNCH". I was blown away. I asked if C was ok cause I hadn't heard from her. She said "she's fine i heard from her this am". I said ok, do you know what she is thinking now in terms of all of this?!....She responded nasty "well she is going to try and take care of him and thats what everyone involved wants, and i'm picking him back up friday". I was shocked and said "oh ok I wish she would have told me, but i will back away now and if you guys need me, you have my #".
I texted C and explained I wish she had told me she wanted to take care of him, and i respect that and I talked to her mom and wish her best of luck and to take care. She finally responded. She said "I don't know what the hell my mom told you". We texted back and forth and she explained she still hadn't decided. She was hoping by Friday she would know. She proceeded to ask me to drive her to the grocery store because she was going to borrow food stamps from someone. I wanted C to know she could trust our family. I wanted her to know she could trust I would follow through with what I promise, so I agreed to take her.
An hour or so later she called. I answered and C said "I'm not trying to be rude but don't ever f*cking call my mom again shes a rude b*tch". She said apparently when I called, her mom (Grandma L) said "don't have jenn ever call my f*cking house again she's a trouble maker". C explained that Grandma L didn't want me to take her shopping. Grandma L now was saying that I was a bad person and how she wants to be on adoption paperwork so she has rights to J and visitation. I never once denied her being able to see him. I was blown away.
I explained to C, touch base with me the following day. I would take her, but did not want to cause drama if I did. Meanwhile, Aunt M had stepped out of it all and just stayed friendly with me. Her heart ached because of course she had loved J and taken him places with her kids. But, she ultimately just wanted best for J.
The next day I didn't hear from C. Around 1pm, I texted her and asked if I was still taking her for groceries. She responded she was stressed out and had a terrible morning and someone called child abuse on her. They were there and wanted to take her kids. In short, she needed to come up with beds, and a couch, and other things for her children in order to keep them when CPS showed up again in a week. THIS is the story I was given. I have no idea regarding details. At this point, I honestly didn't know what was truth or not.
She didn't answer about the groceries...and proceeded to tell me she was taking a nap. I left work not hearing from her. I called her, and got her voicemail. I was PISSED. I put myself out there, and she couldn't even answer the phone?!
I returned home and sent her a text basically saying we couldn't do this anymore and proceed with this. Basically wished her the best and stated that her mom should have been more in tune with what she was heading into (adoption) and if it was a game she shouldn't have started this whole process.
I took the next day off of work. I was stressed beyond belief and lived with a migraine for 3 weeks. I slept all am, took Noey to the park, and dairy queen. As I got home, C texted. She said she was stressed out and  turned her phone off the prior day. I explained if she thought it was me who called CPS she was mistaken. She called me, we talked and talked. She stated how Grandma L said I was a bad person. Grandma L said I was OBSESSED and just wanted 4 kids in a prior conversation. (I explained to C that in our first meeting Grandma asked me how many kids I wanted and I explained I was not obsessed - I just wanted to see J in a safe family and to reach his potential).
C went on to explain she wanted to get her home the way CPS wants it, and then get J back maybe for a few weeks again to see if he could adjust. In that instant I knew pursuing this adoption was DONE. I offered her to check Craigslist for a couch and crib.
The next day I texted her and said basically I needed to know if keeping J was her decision. We are planning a Disney trip for Noelani on her 3rd bday and would cancel due to adoption costs if necessary. She never answered.
Since then I have never been given an explanation of why this turned out the way it did. J desperately needs speech therapy. In my opinion he needs occupational therapy as well. He is TERRIFIED when you lift him high, so I suspect other issues are going on as well. Our decision as a family was going to be having Head Start come in to access him immediately. We also discussed if he had possibly been autistic could we accept that - this was a concern of C's - not ours. We decided we would do whatever it took to give this little boy  a FAMILY, a LIFE, a CHANCE. THIS is why we never backed down. I am sure that I have missed a ton in between but these are the major bullet points I can come up with at this time.
I spent NUMEROUS hours on the phone with lawyers and child & family services. BEGGING people to help us with the financials of this possible unexpected adoption. I spent HOURS talking to lawyers about what steps to take...every scenario was explored. Even up to the very last moment she said her kids could be taken, I called our lawyer frantic in how to prevent J from foster care. I offered this information to C but she ignored me.
NOW.....the hard part.
Am I mad at anyone? NO. Do you think I'm lying when I say that? I really am not! I really have love in my heart for every single person involved. I cannot hate anyone. Aunt M has the shit end of it really. There were alot of accusations going around, and now neither Grandma L nor do C talk to her anymore. I don't think Aunt M meant ANY harm to anyone. She wanted what I wanted for J. A home. A family. A chance.
We opened our home, our lives, our everything to C. She came to our home, we gave her food, a ride, offered respite, offered to run her around....clearly we had love for her since we offered to do these things.
As for Grandma L - I think she is torn. She wants this for J, she knows its right...but the reality became too much for her and too overwhelming.
So, what do I think of open adoption? I STILL think it's a wonderful thing. I would love to still have that with a family. But I believe it is a very hard thing to do, and it would be something that all parties agree to. Would I ever approach a "private" adoption again? Hmm, I would have to think about that one!! Without involving lawyers or social workers, this was hard. I had to be the "social worker" and the "lawyer". Yet, I had to be the friend as well. It was very hard. To hold that hope still that maybe I shouldn't have walked away, still kills me. It still hurts me.
I hope everyone involved finds peace. Mostly, I hope J finds love in a family. I hope and pray every single day that J can have a mommy and daddy - but I think the odds of this aren't high. I think he is getting too old now, and at almost 2 years old, he will have attachment disorder. He wont be able to bond to a new family. As I said, he needs extensive therapy and I ache and cry inside that his opportunity for this has passed. I PRAY that he gets this.
In a way, I think this is as hard as a failed placement in adoption. We got to know and love J and his family. We LOVED C, Aunt M and Grandma L. We wanted them to be our extended family. We visited with them, and especially to let your heart love a little child like that. It was hard to decide to walk away....but unless everyone is on the same page and wanting the same thing. It.WONT.work.
That is the best advice I can give in all of this. Make sure everyone is on the same page. I hope maybe this helps someone else. Know when to cut yourself off.
So THIS is where we have been. I made the choice not to blog while going through this. I kept it to a minimum because I really had no idea which way this would go. I felt I needed to now, because I had alot of emotions inside of me, and the few people who knew, wanted to know the whole story. There is more to this and alot of details I left out, but these were the ones I felt comfortable sharing.
C knows that if in the very near future she changes her mind, she has our #. Unfortunately, as I said, with J being his age, time is against us all in this. But, I cannot keep chasing C, nor her mom. If this is what they want for J, they will choose it.I know that C loves J, or she wouldn't have met with us and explained how she feels....but I fear she is scared of how she will be viewed by others. That is the very sad part of adoption. That women have to worry how others will view her. Adoption is about love. A woman would NOT choose adoption if it weren't for the AMAZING love she has for her child.