I am not sure how to begin this post. Truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get past the emotions I have right now. Only the future will let me be able to do so. When you suffer from infertility, all you can think of is "why can this person have children when they don't deserve to, and I cant?" I thought that MANY times while struggling. All I would think about is how I would do things differently. If only I could have ONE chance to be a mommy, I would never take a single moment for granted. I try to think that I don't take most of it for granted. Am I miserable and tired some days? YES. But, I'm busy being mommy, and fighting chronic illnesses as well (2 of them).
When we adopted Noelani, we agreed with the agency that we would send letters and pictures to her birthmother 1-2x a year. We also agreed to have her call us before and/or after placement. We NEVER heard from her. I would write her 2x a year, and I would send gifts for Christmas, and also send Christmas and Easter cards. Every time I would write a letter, I would include our address, complete spelling of our names, my email, both of our phone numbers, and my facebook name. In EVERY letter, I begged her to answer us, and invited her to be a part of our lives. I wanted to give her a chance to experience an open adoption with our daughter. Not only did I think it would be wonderful for Noelani, I thought it would be great for her birthmother. As time went on, I met a few birthmothers who explained that contact sometimes was just too hard. I accepted it and moved on.
2.5 years later, Kailani was born. Same birthmother. The agency we used, called me on my cell phone to ask if we would also adopt her. OF COURSE. We once again invited their birthmother to be a part of their lives. I asked the agency to invite her to the placement. She didn't come. She never called either. I continued to send pictures and letters. Same information, no response. SOMEDAY I had hoped she would answer.
Noelani began going through some medical issues that I needed answers for. My letters went unanswered, and reaching out to the agency seemed useless. They tried both numbers they had for her, and 1 was disconnected, the other went to voicemail. There was nothing I could do. For the sake of Noelani, we, as her parents had to make some tough decisions and submit her to some testing that wouldn't have been needed if we had answers.
We never knew either of the girls birthfathers. There was a name for Noelani's, but no address, and with Kailani, one was never named. We were given small details of height/weight and occupation for both but that was it.
On April 1, 2016 I looked at my phone and the agency had called. I missed the call. The voicemail stated that they had been in contact with their birthmom and had some more information for me since I had questions in the past. I found it weird, but I thought MAYBE she had gotten the letters and finally decided to call with medical info. It had been 3.5 years since Kailani was born. When I called back, the conversation was not what I expected. She now had ANOTHER baby, and was reaching out to the agency to see if we were willing to adopt a 3rd baby from her. Right away we said yes. There really isn't a question when it comes to these sort of things. They are siblings, so it didn't matter. All I asked was if it was a boy or girl. Boy. I didn't ask if he was healthy, how big he was, etc. It really didn't matter. This was their brother and that's all we had to know. You see, we had this conversation before (my husband and I), that if their birthmother had another baby, there would be no question in the matter. We would do what was right. This was her 7th baby. SEVENTH. The agency informed us she is now living in a motel with her 4 she parents. She had told the agency the baby would not be placed with anyone else if we did not agree to adopting him. By the end of the phone call, we were told we needed to immediately expedite a home study. This was at 5pm on a friday night.
I immediately got off the phone, and called our adoption attorney we had used in the past. She stated that had their birthmother contacted me directly, she could have gotten everything pushed through court within a week. The baby was due to be discharged on Monday, and she urged me to do everything within my power to contact their birthmother directly. If I could, we could be there upon his discharge and bring him home. If we used the agency, not only would they want $10,000 or more for placement, they would keep him in interim care for a month or more til all of the paperwork is done.
The only thing I could think to do is start calling every hospital I could think of in the area which she lived. I would ask for her by name in the L&D floor. I spent ALL night calling every hospital I could think of. NONE of them had a patient by that name. Then, finally, the day after something dawned on me. There was one hospital I had called that rang and rang and rang. I decided to call it back at 7am and ask for her. The janitor answered. Somehow the number I had wasn't for the admission desk. He transferred me and low and behold, SHE WAS THERE. I got her room number, direct phone number and they stated they would transfer me but it was early the phones may not be on.
I called back around 9am. I was transferred to L&D and a nurse stated she was there, and wanted to know who I was. I explained I was the adoptive mother of her 2 children and that if she didn't want to talk to me it was ok. She put me on hold and......
SHE ANSWERED. I asked her if it was ok that I was calling and if it wasn't, she could hang up at any time. She stated she wanted to speak with me. I explained the process above and that we could be there the next day (it was Sunday). She stopped me and said, well, that's kind of changed. My dad died yesterday. Out of 7 children, this was her first boy. She stated that she felt like God gave her this baby because He knew her father would die. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?? I tried to tell her how sorry I was and she began to cry that she loved me and had always gotten my pictures and letters but couldn't figure out a way to write her feelings on paper back to me. She then began to tell me she hasn't lived at the address I was mailing things to in about 2 years. 2 years. For 2 years she hasn't gotten anything. So, I began to tell her all about the girls.
I won't go into further detail because it is private the things we spoke about. I will state that the person on my oldest daughters paperwork, who is listed as her birthfather is a complete lie. This has led to numerous health tests and things that never needed to be done to her. I am very angry inside over that. VERY. She never even asked me about them. All of the things she knows about them, I provided information on. It struck me a few days later that she didn't ask a single question. Looking back, it was a very weird conversation. However, she did say that now, her family knows about the girls. At the time of placement, they didn't. She stated her 4 older girls always talk about meeting Noelani. This is another strange piece of conversation....she seemed to be interested in my oldest more than my little one. I still cannot figure that piece of it out. I got a little more info on why she placed Noelani, but, not a clear explanation on Kai.
I began to offer the thought that I would LOVE an open relationship with her. If this summer she wanted to meet up to see the girls, we would absolutely make it happen. I reiterated myself 100x that I do NOT judge anyone, and all that matters is she gave these girls life, and all the other things don't matter if she is worried about judgement. She was SO open and cried a few times on the phone with me. She never did ask if the girls knew about the baby, or any other questions about them. This will play into my feelings later on. She ended the conversation that as soon as her phone was paid and turned back on and charged, which it "should be by now", she would send me some pictures. I told her that was great and I would wait to hear from her.........
Click here to read part 2.
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