Needing a break now

When I hung up, it was around 10am. I waited until 3:30pm and still never heard from her. She INSISTED I took her cell phone number before hanging up. So I thought MAYBE she was shy to send me photos, or wasn't sure if my motive was really truly to just have a relationship with her. So, I decided to send her a picture of each girl. I wasn't sure when the last time was that she saw them, so I figured it would open things up. She responded to tell me how pretty my oldest was.

I didn't hear from her again the rest of the day. However, I knew she had said on the phone she might be bringing the baby home that day. So, when I woke up the next am, I woke up to about 10 or so photos she sent me. I now have photos of both girls birthfathers, all of their sisters, some grandparents and also their birthmother. She also said something to the effect of she hoped she didn't disturb my sleep because she sent them at 4am, but the baby had her up from 1-4am so she had time to send them. I immediately responded about how much the girls looked like certain people, and that I was so happy we could have a relationship. I also texted her how much I loved her and thanked her for allowing me to be a mom. I also sent some more pictures back.

She responded finally around 5:30pm that she had just gotten up for the day and was having migraines since the baby was born. She stated she got the photos and would text me later because she was getting dinner for the other kids. I explained no problem, I understood and let me know when things calm down for her. Her father had passed away, in another state, but I still figured emotionally it was alot. 

The next day I texted her a picture of Noelani as a baby. It was a picture that had a striking resemblance of her baby she sent me the day before. I also sent a few more of the girls and said along with them, she didn't have to respond but I figured the pictures might make her smile. No response. Almost every single day since then, until that Friday, I tried to text her. I had so much to say. I tried to ask for an email, since she has no mailing address. No response. I also asked her if she was ok. In fact a few times I asked if she was alright and that I was worried I hadn't heard from her. Nothing. As the days went on, I messaged her a long letter on facebook. I texted her that I had written her because I no longer wanted to bother her on her phone. No response.

Here we are, 11 days later. Still nothing. I don't know if she wants pictures, if she even cares. I feel heartbroken. For my girls. For 6 years I pictured a loving and selfless person for them. After looking on facebook, it is clearly the opposite. 

There are many things I have since discovered that I am really really really hurt and sad for my girls. The lies, illegal behavior, the missing sister they have never met who is a minor, the fact that their brother could be here with us but is now in a motel somewhere. It hurts. I am mostly hurt that looking back, you would think she would have SO many questions about the people they have become. She didn't have a single one. What will my girls think when they are older? How can someone basically promise this relationship on the phone, and send me JUST enough information for the girls, and then disappear??? I still have so many missing pieces of the girls story that will haunt me until the day they know the truth. I don't even know what the truth IS anymore to be honest. I have never ever felt so hurt for my kids before. I feel like a failure that I couldn't make this work out for them. All I can do is cry for them. Someday, they may want to find her and I have NOTHING. I have no address, no email, and a cell phone that will most likely not even be in service when that time comes. How will I EVER explain this to them.

HOW will I ever explain that they are 2 of 7 she didn't keep?? How do I explain if they feel like it's unfair that she kept their brother JUST because her dad died? I cannot think of logical answers to any of it. In fact I can barely get through my day without tears and without it popping into my head 100x. I cannot focus on anything. None of it makes any sense to me. 

Noelani has asked me a few times how can J (her birthmom) keep her baby brother if she has no house?? I have tried my best to explain that things are different now. The truth is, they are not different. The story we were given was that she was homeless at the time of Noelani's birth. That is part of her story I have always told her. It is untrue. I feel like the world's biggest liar trying to say that things have changed for J, that's why she decided to keep him.

Yes, both girls knew about the baby. Both girls adoptions went so smoothly, WHY would we have thought it wouldn't happen?? The girls have been begging for a baby brother for MONTHS now, so when I got the call, they figured it out pretty quickly. 

Part of my conversations with Noelani lately have been about the possibility that someday, J may not meet up with her and Kai. At 6 years old, her only response has been "well, then she can do whatever she wants, I don't care". Those words will more than likely have an entirely different meaning though when she is 16. They will turn into anger and confusion when she understands more.

I wish things could be different, but they are what they are. Life goes on, and my girls have one another. My hope for the future is that my girls will realize they have each other. I hope for them, that is enough. I hope they are happy and feel fulfilled in their lives so they don't even want or need to go out looking for her. Right now, they don't know that they are among other siblings. Noelani is 1 of 10 and Kai is 1 of 8. I hope knowing that someday doesn't make them feel that they missed out. If anything, I can just hope that it will make them feel that much closer.

A great friend recently told me that the baby "won't have the life you would have given him, but he still will have a life." It will be MUCH different than the life we could share with him. That eats away at me every single day. It's almost all I can think of. I failed at helping my girls little brother. I failed even more by establishing a relationship with their birthmother.

BUT, then I think.....maybe she doesn't care. It sounds heartless, but she had admitted to not living in her apartment for 2 years. She NEVER contacted the agency to update her address. NEVER. Maybe she thinks she did her job. She thinks she satisfied her "role" because she sent me a few pictures and now the girls can know who they look like. I will never know. That kills me inside.

For now, I tell the girls someday they will have another brother or sister, just not right now. We will see what the future holds.


If anyone is going through something similar and would like to talk, please feel free to comment or email me jviverette@live.com

An update of how we are doing now