I waited a while to write this post. Today, I was very much so at my breaking point. Even though I was there....I was still grateful. I never mean to hurt or offend anyone when I blog. I just say what's on my mind and use it as a type of "therapy".
Noelani has been REALLY testing her boundaries with everything lately. She will tell us "stop it" and "no" quite often lately. That really hasn't bothered me as much as the lack of SLEEP. The "talking back" or testing us is just her age. However, this child doesn't want to sleep more than 9 hours at night. I don't care how dog tired she is - that's all I get out of her. When I read online, I see that she should be sleeping about 15 hours a day. Therefore, I'd assume she would take a long nap. Lately, she hasn't taken a longer nap than 1 hour for me - and that's after fighting it all day long. I'm.Tired. She gets up at 5:30am - even on the weekends.
Nonetheless, I.am.grateful.
I think this blog made people think I am not: http://littlecrazyfamily.blogspot.com/2011/09/iwantmore.html
That is the furthest from the truth. Even in moments where I am completely and ever so beyond exhausted, I am grateful. I never could have pictured being a mother. For 3 or more long.hard.trying. years I cried every single day that I would never be a mom. Even today, I pinch myself because I cannot believe that I was chosen to be a mom to the most beautiful little girl in the entire universe.
I can't help that I want more babies. I don't want to apologize for that, because it's how I feel in my heart. I never in my life will forget the pain and heartache it took getting to the point of being a mom. never.
To say that I can sympathize with others is an understatement. I remember spending every moment online looking up other peoples infertility stories. I remember reading some people saying "oh I had my son/daughter with no problems and now I am suffering secondary infertility"....meaning, they were struggling to have a 2nd child. I remember being so mad. What right did they have to want a 2 nd child? Here I was struggling to have my first (that I just "knew" I would never have) -and they weren't happy with the one baby God blessed them with. Believe me - I've.BEEN.there. And NOW - I get mad when I hear people say they want a 3rd. How silly is that? But I think in my head "hey you should be happy, you got to be a mommy twice and your first child has a sibling"....Here I am, with my one baby. I should be satisfied with what I have. But, like I said before, I think once you become a mom, you want more of it so bad.
So - I thought long and hard about this post "follow up", but I wanted it to come out right. I am grateful. And I thank God for my blessing every single moment of every single day.
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Jennifer, you aren't alone in any of these areas.
ReplyDelete1) The past week I was at my breaking point by lunch time with Kayla REFUSING to sleep. She never went through this at Noey's age but now at 3 she is along with the whole telling me NO and thinking she can do what she wants. Just take a deep breath and if you need to just walk away. I had to do that a few times. I would go to my room, or go walk around the hotel hall way or lobby alone or if it was just me and the kids I would lock myself alone out on the balcony...I could see them through the glass sliding door so they weren't unsupervised totally. We need do that for our own sanity, so we can be better Mom's. GIVE YOURSELF A TIME OUT when it's needed. It doesn't make you a bad Mom, it makes you a BETTER Mom.
2) We know you are grateful. Or maybe it's just me because I have been there done that and I am like you an adoptive Mom who struggled for 5 years to become pregnant and had 2 miscarriages. I've been in your shoes so I understand more maybe. DO NOT apologize for YOUR own feelings. I also would get upset seeing people need and want another child when we yet didnt even have a first one. But I now understand. I have been there. We had Kayla and I wanted more without knowing why. It was more than a want though. It was a need, it was a deep down gut hard feeling with a lump in my throat that told me something was missing. It was Caden. Kaitlyn was pregnant with him and I didn't even know, but my gut and heart knew it. Im saying this because there is ALWAYS a reason we have these feelings. I hope I didn't upset or offend you by telling you that I would love to have a 3rd. Its not a hard gut feeling yet and I don't know if it will even turn into that eventually...but it's a thought for now.
I would say if your heart and gut feeling doesn't go away then it must be for a reason.
Michelle,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment! I think my biggest upset when Noey doesn't sleep is I feel like I'M doing something wrong! Knowing that she sleeps well at my sisters house for naps, or at daycare - yet fights me for sleep is just so upsetting for some reason!
You didn't offend me at all by saying you want a 3rd!! I just thought it was funny because I remember you saying Caden & Kayla were it. BUT - I know how bad that want is to have another one, so I wasn't surprised when I heard you say that :)
My want hasn't really gone away, but I discussed it with Antoine. His heart REALLY was into foster care before Noelani. He had been into Big Brother Big Sister for a long time and helped in mentoring and taking the kids out. His heart is really back on that, and it is something we are really considering. We are still house hunting so I think for now, we are going to consider all options but wait it out a little longer unless something unexpected happens.
Your are welcome. I don't even realize you respond to comments on here so I need to check that more often!
ReplyDeleteShe must not nap as well for you because...well,you are the Mom and she doesn't have to. lol. You arent doing anything wrong though.
I agree with you waiting it out. When the time is right you sure will know it without a doubt!