Happy 7th Birthday to my PRINCESS

Happy Birthday to my big girl!!!!

 I really cannot believe my baby is turning 7 tomorrow. It makes me all kinds of sad. If someone would have told me how fast these years would go by when they placed her in my arms, I never would have believed it. I really can't process it myself! I don't think the world will ever understand just how long, hard and tough it was to become a mommy. But, let me tell you, I would do everything all over again, 1,000 times if I could be HER mommy. I still will never forget the moment she was placed into my arms. In fact, I will never forget being upstairs at Spence Chapin and seeing her from a distance, watching the pediatrician look her over, head to toe. I was shaking and shaking and swore I was having an out of body experience looking at her! I couldn't even believe that this was MY daughter. When they handed her to me, I sobbed. I had never felt so many emotions hit me at the same time in my entire life. I knew it. I was meant to be her mommy and she was just perfect. Those beautiful brown eyes staring right back at me.
From the moment she was home, she was the BEST baby anyone could ask for. The only time she ever cried was if she was hungry - and even then, it was more of a whine that she wasn't pleased, but if you didn't get to it right away, it wasn't the end of the world. I really couldn't have been more lucky if I tried.
This perfect little human being was my baby and she was made so perfectly just for me. Every morning she would wake up like clockwork, just to have a bottle, and then peacefully fall right back to sleep on me in bed for the next 4 hours. She had the perfect little spot on her nose, right between her eyes to kiss on. (It's still there, 7 years later!!) This child was born to embody love. Everything about her loves everyone around her. I don't think she could find anything wrong with anyone even if she tried. I will never forget, even on her first birthday....as we opened presents, she stopped, walked over to me and gave me a HUGE hug. This is just her personality. I hope it NEVER ever changes. Every thing that is done for her, she will reply and say "I am just so thankful mommy and daddy...thank you so much!" Each one of my girls has a soft spot in my heart, and each for different reasons! She is the one who will always ask me "are you ok mommy?" Or will go out of her way to help if she can. I really believe she has something special about her and she is going to be headed for great things and will really make an impact on peoples lives someday with whatever profession she chooses.
I think I'm all sorts of sappy as I write this, because as I scrolled through the pictures below of each year, it is THIS year that I see a young lady and not a baby anymore. Her cheeks are no longer a chubby little kindergartener, her body has slimmed out and gotten taller, her nose has taken shape of a young adult. I don't know if I can handle it all! I tell her all of the time "I wish we could stop time Noelani, I don't like you getting older". She will say "I'm sorry mommy, but we can't stop time"....Tonight she told me "Don't worry mommy, it will be a REALLY long whole year again before I get any older....and that's a long time!"
Oh baby, if you only knew. It really won't be that long.

(I'm 1! - Winter ONEderland party)

(2 - Look WHO's turning 2 party)

(3 - She had an Ariel party & became a big sister before turning 3 this year!)

(4! She left for Disney world a day or two after this)

(5 - She had her party at Bounce Magic and was My Little Pony themed)

(6 - Hotel pool party - she asked for all donations to the adoption agency instead of presents!)

And now she will be 7! We will be taking her overnight next weekend with family to Splash Lagoon!

I hope they don't...

More and more each day I hope my little girls don't want to find their birthmom when they get older. I think they will be in such a depression and hurt over it. I don't ever want to see my girls go through that.
When we got called back in April to adopt their baby brother, I was so happy for the contact with their birthmom. She cried and cried on the phone to me that she had moved and had no way to get any letters or pictures from us for 2 years yadda yadda. She also mentioned that her oldest daughter was a runaway (I actually knew this because while googling her name and daughters name for a way to contact her, I found her oldest on the Missing & Exploited Children's website) ::insert eye roll::
I never went into much thought, other than oh my gosh she really had no way to see her precious babies because anything I would have sent her, she wouldn't get.
YEAH RIGHT
I have come to find, she is totally full of b.s. You see, back in 2012 when we purchased a house, we contacted the adoption agency because it was Noelani's 2nd birthday, we had just moved and I misplaced her address. I wanted to be able to send an update to her so I asked the agency to outreach to confirm/give me her address. She right away confirmed her address with them that time. So....now that I don't have blinders on, I know that she was blowing smoke because there was 2 years of time she could have contacted that agency and gave them her new address. SO FULL OF IT.
I completely opened my arms and heart, EVERYTHING to this woman and invited her to be in my life....no, let me correct that....my GIRLS lives. She hasn't done....for lack of a better word....SHIT to be around. She dismisses and ignores ALL of my text messages. She ignores ALL of my FB messages to her about updates of the girls. She is a piece of work, let me tell you. I don't even want to hear the crap about oh it's so hard for her, blah blah blah. It's a bunch of bull. I have access to her FB page, only because it is public for now....and she accidentally sent her FB name to me through our original contact of pictures. Her entire FB is filled with drugs, alcohol, partying. No type of mother for a brand new baby. It really angers me inside. It angers me that someday my girls will look for her and this is who they will find. UGH!!!!!
I used to always talk such a high image of her. Lately it makes me mad inside when the girls talk about her so lovingly. I just want to scream out loud at the top of my lungs and say "I'm so friggen sorry I let you girls believe she was such a good person....because she isn't". UGH UGH UGH.
I sent her message after message all but begging her to respond. I've sent her probably HUNDREDS of pictures of the girls and she never responds. No "oh that's cute", "thanks for sending" NOTHING. I don't know if I should continue sending them or just forget it and let her find out who they are when they are 18 someday and want to see who she is...which will be a disappointment.
A day before my little ones 4th birthday I sent her a long message with pictures. That day I sent her more pictures and told her about her day. She doesn't even open half of the messages. But, she definitely makes time to go on FB talking about her partying and how she hates everyone in the world around her and all about her money. So pathetic.
Oh and the daughter? Well out of her oh 7 facebooks I think i've found.....she is the spitting image of her mother. Drugs, sex, partying, all of it.
Yet again, another reason why I took that failed placement SO hard. I know that this little baby boy is in for the same type of life. Makes me sick.

So now what....

So where do we go from here? I was very heartbroken and sad writing my last 2 posts. I still am. That feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not entirely sure if I was fair in saying that their birth mom doesn't care. That's probably very harsh. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have given birth to them. So I think I was really coming from a place of anger in that post.
I am still heartbroken though. I KNOW, there are lots of people going through way worse things that myself, or our family right now. But, it just hurts so damn bad.
The truth is, that no matter what I find out good or bad, I love my girls more than life itself. If I had the capability to have 8 kids I would. I still want to adopt more children in the future and this experience will not stop me or make me see adoption from a bad light.
Adoption is beautiful. It made me a mother. Regardless of the lies their birthmom gave the agency, I still love these girls the same, if not even more. I've talked to a few people about it all and they assure me that the girls will not resent me for everything that happened. That they won't hate me for "taking them away" from their siblings. I can't predict the future.
BUT LET ME SAY:
Adoption is not for the faint of heart!!!!!!!!!!
For 6 years, our family pictured one person and fed this image and idea of this person to our daughters. But, in 6 years, this person has not changed her situation. She still hasn't made an attempt to better her life. No house, stable job, and just not doing the best for her children in my opinion. My youngest has been diagnosed with SPD, OCD, Anxiety, and possibly ADHD. Is this a result of no prenatal care? Drug use? Or is it just something that happened for no reason? I will never know. Their birth mother received no prenatal care because she "didn't want to be bothered with doctors". We knew this when we adopted our daughters. But, we were also told there was no drug use involved. She had admitted to 1 or 2 glasses of wine and cigarettes while pregnant. After discovering her lifestyle on facebook and conversations, I'm not going to lie - I'm not sure I believe that we got the entire story.
When I spoke with her on the phone, she wanted me to add her on facebook because "i'm her family now". She insisted I took her phone number to stay in contact. She expressed how badly her family and kids supposedly wanted to meet my girls, but where is she now? I have a feeling this untruthfulness is a trend with her. She lied about my oldests birthfather on the paperwork. She told me this on the phone and gave me only a first name of her real bio father. Someday when my daughter might want to seek him out, she won't be able to even find him through paperwork. My youngest daughter, she never name a birthfather. But, she was able to provide me a picture of him in the one text she sent me before disappearing. And let me tell you, based on photos, she knows exactly who each of the girls birthfathers are because they look JUST LIKE THEM. I have mixed feelings about the pictures. My girls will see who they will look like, but it's not fair to have that and no names in my opinion. It almost seems cruel.
As a family all we can do is move past this somehow. It is going to take time. I hope that it helps since the weather is nicer now, we can get outside and get our minds off of alot of this.
Hopefully we will be given the opportunity to adopt again in the future. That's the hope I've been holding onto for my girls and their broken hearts. They were so so excited to have another baby around.
I still think the ideal situation for any adoption would be an open adoption. No where in between in my opinion. In a semi open adoption, you send pictures and letters, with the hope that a birthmother will someday respond, you include phone numbers and wait. In a closed adoption, you either send and do nothing, or share pictures with the agency. While this isn't ideal, I think you enter an adoption knowing what to expect. You know the birthparents won't want to respond, and thats ok too. I wish for open adoption because the birthparents will be able to watch the children they gave birth to grow up. It can be as simple as letters and emails back and forth....or as deep as skype, visits, phone calls, etc. In my opinion I think this would give a child the greatest sense of closure. They will grow up knowing this person who is biologically related to them. No wonder, but knowing they were given a chance at a family with 2 parents and a loving home.

Needing a break now

When I hung up, it was around 10am. I waited until 3:30pm and still never heard from her. She INSISTED I took her cell phone number before hanging up. So I thought MAYBE she was shy to send me photos, or wasn't sure if my motive was really truly to just have a relationship with her. So, I decided to send her a picture of each girl. I wasn't sure when the last time was that she saw them, so I figured it would open things up. She responded to tell me how pretty my oldest was.

I didn't hear from her again the rest of the day. However, I knew she had said on the phone she might be bringing the baby home that day. So, when I woke up the next am, I woke up to about 10 or so photos she sent me. I now have photos of both girls birthfathers, all of their sisters, some grandparents and also their birthmother. She also said something to the effect of she hoped she didn't disturb my sleep because she sent them at 4am, but the baby had her up from 1-4am so she had time to send them. I immediately responded about how much the girls looked like certain people, and that I was so happy we could have a relationship. I also texted her how much I loved her and thanked her for allowing me to be a mom. I also sent some more pictures back.

She responded finally around 5:30pm that she had just gotten up for the day and was having migraines since the baby was born. She stated she got the photos and would text me later because she was getting dinner for the other kids. I explained no problem, I understood and let me know when things calm down for her. Her father had passed away, in another state, but I still figured emotionally it was alot. 

The next day I texted her a picture of Noelani as a baby. It was a picture that had a striking resemblance of her baby she sent me the day before. I also sent a few more of the girls and said along with them, she didn't have to respond but I figured the pictures might make her smile. No response. Almost every single day since then, until that Friday, I tried to text her. I had so much to say. I tried to ask for an email, since she has no mailing address. No response. I also asked her if she was ok. In fact a few times I asked if she was alright and that I was worried I hadn't heard from her. Nothing. As the days went on, I messaged her a long letter on facebook. I texted her that I had written her because I no longer wanted to bother her on her phone. No response.

Here we are, 11 days later. Still nothing. I don't know if she wants pictures, if she even cares. I feel heartbroken. For my girls. For 6 years I pictured a loving and selfless person for them. After looking on facebook, it is clearly the opposite. 

There are many things I have since discovered that I am really really really hurt and sad for my girls. The lies, illegal behavior, the missing sister they have never met who is a minor, the fact that their brother could be here with us but is now in a motel somewhere. It hurts. I am mostly hurt that looking back, you would think she would have SO many questions about the people they have become. She didn't have a single one. What will my girls think when they are older? How can someone basically promise this relationship on the phone, and send me JUST enough information for the girls, and then disappear??? I still have so many missing pieces of the girls story that will haunt me until the day they know the truth. I don't even know what the truth IS anymore to be honest. I have never ever felt so hurt for my kids before. I feel like a failure that I couldn't make this work out for them. All I can do is cry for them. Someday, they may want to find her and I have NOTHING. I have no address, no email, and a cell phone that will most likely not even be in service when that time comes. How will I EVER explain this to them.

HOW will I ever explain that they are 2 of 7 she didn't keep?? How do I explain if they feel like it's unfair that she kept their brother JUST because her dad died? I cannot think of logical answers to any of it. In fact I can barely get through my day without tears and without it popping into my head 100x. I cannot focus on anything. None of it makes any sense to me. 

Noelani has asked me a few times how can J (her birthmom) keep her baby brother if she has no house?? I have tried my best to explain that things are different now. The truth is, they are not different. The story we were given was that she was homeless at the time of Noelani's birth. That is part of her story I have always told her. It is untrue. I feel like the world's biggest liar trying to say that things have changed for J, that's why she decided to keep him.

Yes, both girls knew about the baby. Both girls adoptions went so smoothly, WHY would we have thought it wouldn't happen?? The girls have been begging for a baby brother for MONTHS now, so when I got the call, they figured it out pretty quickly. 

Part of my conversations with Noelani lately have been about the possibility that someday, J may not meet up with her and Kai. At 6 years old, her only response has been "well, then she can do whatever she wants, I don't care". Those words will more than likely have an entirely different meaning though when she is 16. They will turn into anger and confusion when she understands more.

I wish things could be different, but they are what they are. Life goes on, and my girls have one another. My hope for the future is that my girls will realize they have each other. I hope for them, that is enough. I hope they are happy and feel fulfilled in their lives so they don't even want or need to go out looking for her. Right now, they don't know that they are among other siblings. Noelani is 1 of 10 and Kai is 1 of 8. I hope knowing that someday doesn't make them feel that they missed out. If anything, I can just hope that it will make them feel that much closer.

A great friend recently told me that the baby "won't have the life you would have given him, but he still will have a life." It will be MUCH different than the life we could share with him. That eats away at me every single day. It's almost all I can think of. I failed at helping my girls little brother. I failed even more by establishing a relationship with their birthmother.

BUT, then I think.....maybe she doesn't care. It sounds heartless, but she had admitted to not living in her apartment for 2 years. She NEVER contacted the agency to update her address. NEVER. Maybe she thinks she did her job. She thinks she satisfied her "role" because she sent me a few pictures and now the girls can know who they look like. I will never know. That kills me inside.

For now, I tell the girls someday they will have another brother or sister, just not right now. We will see what the future holds.


If anyone is going through something similar and would like to talk, please feel free to comment or email me jviverette@live.com

An update of how we are doing now

What do you do when your girls birthmother has another baby??

I am not sure how to begin this post. Truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get past the emotions I have right now. Only the future will let me be able to do so. When you suffer from infertility, all you can think of is "why can this person have children when they don't deserve to, and I cant?" I thought that MANY times while struggling. All I would think about is how I would do things differently. If only I could have ONE chance to be a mommy, I would never take a single moment for granted. I try to think that I don't take most of it for granted. Am I miserable and tired some days? YES. But, I'm busy being mommy, and fighting chronic illnesses as well (2 of them).
When we adopted Noelani, we agreed with the agency that we would send letters and pictures to her birthmother 1-2x a year. We also agreed to have her call us before and/or after placement. We NEVER heard from her. I would write her 2x a year, and I would send gifts for Christmas, and also send Christmas and Easter cards. Every time I would write a letter, I would include our address, complete spelling of our names, my email, both of our phone numbers, and my facebook name. In EVERY letter, I begged her to answer us, and invited her to be a part of our lives. I wanted to give her a chance to experience an open adoption with our daughter. Not only did I think it would be wonderful for Noelani, I thought it would be great for her birthmother. As time went on, I met a few birthmothers who explained that contact sometimes was just too hard. I accepted it and moved on.
2.5 years later, Kailani was born. Same birthmother. The agency we used, called me on my cell phone to ask if we would also adopt her. OF COURSE. We once again invited their birthmother to be a part of their lives. I asked the agency to invite her to the placement. She didn't come. She never called either. I continued to send pictures and letters. Same information, no response. SOMEDAY I had hoped she would answer.
Noelani began going through some medical issues that I needed answers for. My letters went unanswered, and reaching out to the agency seemed useless. They tried both numbers they had for her, and 1 was disconnected, the other went to voicemail. There was nothing I could do. For the sake of Noelani, we, as her parents had to make some tough decisions and submit her to some testing that wouldn't have been needed if we had answers.
We never knew either of the girls birthfathers. There was a name for Noelani's, but no address, and with Kailani, one was never named. We were given small details of height/weight and occupation for both but that was it.
On April 1, 2016 I looked at my phone and the agency had called. I missed the call. The voicemail stated that they had been in contact with their birthmom and had some more information for me since I had questions in the past. I found it weird, but I thought MAYBE she had gotten the letters and finally decided to call with medical info. It had been 3.5 years since Kailani was born. When I called back, the conversation was not what I expected. She now had ANOTHER baby, and was reaching out to the agency to see if we were willing to adopt a 3rd baby from her. Right away we said yes. There really isn't a question when it comes to these sort of things. They are siblings, so it didn't matter. All I asked was if it was a boy or girl. Boy. I didn't ask if he was healthy, how big he was, etc. It really didn't matter. This was their brother and that's all we had to know. You see, we had this conversation before (my husband and I), that if their birthmother had another baby, there would be no question in the matter. We would do what was right. This was her 7th baby. SEVENTH. The agency informed us she is now living in a motel with her 4 she parents. She had told the agency the baby would not be placed with anyone else if we did not agree to adopting him. By the end of the phone call, we were told we needed to immediately expedite a home study. This was at 5pm on a friday night.
I immediately got off the phone, and called our adoption attorney we had used in the past. She stated that had their birthmother contacted me directly, she could have gotten everything pushed through court within a week. The baby was due to be discharged on Monday, and she urged me to do everything within my power to contact their birthmother directly. If I could, we could be there upon his discharge and bring him home. If we used the agency, not only would they want $10,000 or more for placement, they would keep him in interim care for a month or more til all of the paperwork is done.
The only thing I could think to do is start calling every hospital I could think of in the area which she lived. I would ask for her by name in the L&D floor. I spent ALL night calling every hospital I could think of. NONE of them had a patient by that name. Then, finally, the day after something dawned on me. There was one hospital I had called that rang and rang and rang. I decided to call it back at 7am and ask for her. The janitor answered. Somehow the number I had wasn't for the admission desk. He transferred me and low and behold, SHE WAS THERE. I got her room number, direct phone number and they stated they would transfer me but it was early the phones may not be on.
I called back around 9am. I was transferred to L&D and a nurse stated she was there, and wanted to know who I was. I explained I was the adoptive mother of her 2 children and that if she didn't want to talk to me it was ok. She put me on hold and......
SHE ANSWERED. I asked her if it was ok that I was calling and if it wasn't, she could hang up at any time. She stated she wanted to speak with me. I explained the process above and that we could be there the next day (it was Sunday). She stopped me and said, well, that's kind of changed. My dad died yesterday. Out of 7 children, this was her first boy. She stated that she felt like God gave her this baby because He knew her father would die. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?? I tried to tell her how sorry I was and she began to cry that she loved me and had always gotten my pictures and letters but couldn't figure out a way to write her feelings on paper back to me. She then began to tell me she hasn't lived at the address I was mailing things to in about 2 years. 2 years. For 2 years she hasn't gotten anything. So, I began to tell her all about the girls.
I won't go into further detail because it is private the things we spoke about. I will state that the person on my oldest daughters paperwork, who is listed as her birthfather is a complete lie. This has led to numerous health tests and things that never needed to be done to her. I am very angry inside over that. VERY. She never even asked me about them. All of the things she knows about them, I provided information on. It struck me a few days later that she didn't ask a single question. Looking back, it was a very weird conversation. However, she did say that now, her family knows about the girls. At the time of placement, they didn't. She stated her 4 older girls always talk about meeting Noelani. This is another strange piece of conversation....she seemed to be interested in my oldest more than my little one. I still cannot figure that piece of it out. I got a little more info on why she placed Noelani, but, not a clear explanation on Kai.
I began to offer the thought that I would LOVE an open relationship with her. If this summer she wanted to meet up to see the girls, we would absolutely make it happen. I reiterated myself 100x that I do NOT judge anyone, and all that matters is she gave these girls life, and all the other things don't matter if she is worried about judgement. She was SO open and cried a few times on the phone with me. She never did ask if the girls knew about the baby, or any other questions about them. This will play into my feelings later on. She ended the conversation that as soon as her phone was paid and turned back on and charged, which it "should be by now", she would send me some pictures. I told her that was great and I would wait to hear from her.........
Click here to read part 2.

Will we adopt again?

Sure....maybe.....eh, I don't know. I really DON'T know. I always wanted 4 kids, but then I had 1 and I was happy....then I had 2 and I was SUPER happy. Now, my 2 no longer need me to watch every single move. They plan independently and with one another. They sleep in until 10:30 in the am, and if they wake up before that, they can go make a simple breakfast and watch TV until I can gather the strength for coffee.
My girls want a brother. I always wanted to have boys. I also always wanted to be a foster parent, and I still do.
Right now, Kailani is going through some testing at a local Children's hospital for some behavioral issues that we are trying to pinpoint.(i.e. autism, adhd, ocd, spd). So, until that is all handled, I don't believe it's fair to bring another child into our home. I would like to make sure she has everything in order for what she needs to be a successful child and not to bring any confusion into her life.
SO....maybe.....someday. And if it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that too.

Let's talk PADS......(Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome)

Ah. Where have I been? I'm back, with a rather important post, which will explain where I have been.
When Noelani came home, it was following YEARS of infertility treatments. I had every doctor known to man in my hooha, and had been poked with more needles than a pin cushion. Through every tear I ever cried, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Long before Antoine & I became married, I would look online at foster care sites and look at the children "available" for adoption. This was even before I knew I had fertility issues!!! There was always something inside me that wanted to adopt. So, when it came down to HOW to build a family, adoption wasn't a hard choice for me. For the sake of my own sense of self, we went as far as trying in vitro. I had that one last thing in me that said "Try it now, because when you are 45 you will wish you tried just ONCE", and so we did. It didn't work. BUT, exactly 9 months after that in vitro failed, Noelani was born! Lots of other little boring details made it apparent to us, that Noelani was supposed to be our daughter from day 1.
Fast forward about 2 years later. That's when we went through THIS shit: Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on. Yeah, I was just about certain of our life of 3 being just what it always would be. I blocked that entire situation out of my memory as best as I could. BUT, something within me wouldn't block it all out. In fact, that whole situation made me realize we needed to be foster parents. Antoine worked at a home for troubled teenagers at the time, and we decided we would open our doors to children who needed help. We would show them love and kindness and that the world wasn't such a shitty place. We would be foster parents. When and IF the time came, we would possibly adopt again. BUT, I wasn't even so sure that this was the right decision. I figured we would get our first placement and if it didn't feel right, we could always gracefully bow out.
Well, as the story goes, one day while at work, THIS happened: Kailani was born! My knees buckled....literally. Well, read that link if you want the full story. BUT, within months, we went from a very awful, drawn out, ugly failed placement, to becoming foster parents, to being told our daughter had a sister! (I also never really told anyone, but that first link above, where we got attached to that little boy, well, about a month after that all happened, his mom called to tell me she was pregnant and that she wanted us to adopt her baby she was pregnant with.....I told her to call her dr, planned parenthood, someone else...not us. She had the baby around Christmas by the way, and never told her family. Her sister contacted me on FB the night she gave birth. I told her sister she had asked us to adopt, and that I hoped everything worked out for her). PHEW!!!!
OK OK OK....SO....why did I disappear from the blogging world???? PADS. What is pads??? Go ahead.....start to type "Post Adoption" into your google search bar. If yours is fancy like mine, it usually gives suggestions as to the common searched items. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome pops up in the list. But, how could something SO common NEVER EVER once be mentioned in all of the adoption and foster care classes we took?!!?!?
MONTHS, MONTHS of these crazy symptoms and all I could think is what the f*ck is wrong with me???? Here I was, a stay at home mom, my family of 4, and with a new business. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be thankful??? The NY times wrote an article that talked about the things that NOW I can see:

One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said. “Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained

I LOVED my girls so much, but I was having SUCH a hard time meeting everyone's expectations of how I should feel. Kailani cried all.day.long. She was the perfect little angel for about a couple days when she came home. She was this itty bitty helpless little peanut. But, she was placed in our arms out of no where. I felt like someone was going to come knocking on my door and say "Oops, we made a mistake and she really has to leave now"....so something inside told me not to get too close to her. Someone was going to take her away, this couldn't be SO perfect. Then there was the crying....oh my poor sweetest Kailani and her CONSTANT crying unless I held her. I embraced it, I had no choice....I do not believe in cry it out. So, I wore her....all day. The only time I put her down was to briefly shower. I had to explain to Noelani that she HAD to cry while I showered. She was safe, fed, changed etc. Her sleep....she didn't sleep UNLESS she was on top of me. For nearly 12 months I had an infant sleeping on top of me for every.single nap and night. I couldn't lay her next to me because she would wiggle her itty bitty body UNDER me. Lets also mention once again how FAST and crazy this adoption was. Antoine got ZERO time off of work except to go pick her up. He literally went to work the night we came back home. I was left with a 2.5 year old and newborn baby all by myself every single night AND day (because he was working doubles since I had NO paid time off of work). I was alone, tired, and felt helpless. I will never forget my mom asking me if I was ok. Did I regret adopting Kailani?? Did I love her?? YES YES....I did. But, I couldn't explain what was wrong with me!!!!!!

The U.S. Administration for Children and Families describe the warning signs of Post-Adoption Depression as:

• Loss of interest in being around others
• Often on the verge of tears
• Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
• Significant weight change
• Excessive guilt
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Feelings of worthlessness
• A sense of hopelessness
• Loss of enjoyment
• Irritability
• Recurring thoughts about death or suicide

I pretty much had almost all of those warning signs, but I loved my baby and my toddler SO much. Why was I SUCH a horrific person (in my mind)??? One thing I know with all of my heart, is that if I didn't have that in home daycare I was running, I wouldn't have pushed through this. I wouldn't be where I am today. That was a very hard time for me. I didn't even confide it in my husband. I felt like the most horrible human being on earth. I felt like all of the time and energy and love for Noelani was sucked out of me by now having Kailani. She was such a needy baby and I didn't know how to process that and still feel like a good mom. Remember I was supposed to be a "superparent"????? Noelani was the EASIEST baby on earth....and an even easier toddler. I felt like I was a horrible mom because Kai was taking all of that away from us. In hindsight I know how ridiculous that is. It's so stupid and far from the truth, but when I was in that fog, I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I was ruining Noelani's life and that someone was going to come and take this baby away from me. I stopped blogging because I felt like I couldn't really be REAL anymore. I became a mom to a newborn, left my job of 7 years and opened a daycare....all while feeling like the most incompetent person on planet earth!!

How did I get through it?? I'm not really sure!!! I don't have an "aha!" moment to say this is the day I knew things would be ok. Things just seemed to get better. They got easier. Kailani became happier and her adoption became FINAL. Nobody could take my baby. She began to play with Noelani. In my brain, Noelani was happy to have a sister, so I guess I didn't ruin her life after all??? 

All of these thoughts might seem absurd to someone else. They seem crazy to me now as well, looking back. BUT I feel like this was a really important topic to blog about before entering back into this "blogosphere". Everyone knows that women can get PPD, but NOBODY talks about PADS. I wish there was a flyer given out when you adopt that says "HERE, this can happen to you."......I also wish I had some sort of resource to lean on when it was happening and I was going through it. I had my family, but I didn't think they would understand. I had my doctors, but again, I just figured they would brush me off. But I really really URGE women going through it to seek help. I would have been over it MUCH quicker if I would have swallowed my pride and admitted what I was going through.

PLUS.....How could I NOT love this little face????? I mean come on, how kissable is she???

In the end, I have found that my heart loves both of these girls exactly the same but for different reasons. Kailani has turned out to have some challenges that I will blog about at another time, but I wouldn't want anyone to be her mama other than me, and I wouldn't want ANYONE else in the world to hold her hand in life as she walks through it all. I really believe that God made her just for us, and it kills me inside that I ever struggled at one point to connect and be happy when she came home.