I wonder what she will become...

*Noey at 3 weeks old - her eyes have always been the story of her heart*

Ever look at your child and dream of what they will be? Who they will become? Who will inspire them? How they will feel as they get older?
Now...have you ever had to look at your child and wonder: Who will she look like? Will she feel accepted? Will she feel resentful? Have you done everything you know you can in your power to foster every relationship you know she may want to have someday?
These are the questions I ask myself every.single.day. I want Noelani to grow up with a sense of who she is....not the sense of who SOCIETY views her as being. I want her to be a proud.intelligent.strong.beautiful black woman when she gets older. Can I foster that and teach her that? Can I teach her to be as proud as she can be? Or will she feel betrayed or a sense of "not knowing who she is"?

*I have barely shared this very special photo with anyone but felt this was an appropriate post to do so*

The week that we found out we would become Noelanis parents, we were called by the agency and asked "Do you want to come get your daughter Friday??" I will never forget this for as LONG as I live. I was at work. There was only one co-worker with me that day and I was hysterically shaking and couldn't stop crying. To say I was the happiest girl alive at that moment is an understatement. Not a moment later did the social worker say to be "BUT, we are wondering if you would mind your daughters birthparents calling you?"....not.at.all
You see, I had been a big fan of The R House for a while and she always encouraged open adoptions. I had seen what a wonderful thing it was and so it was our full intention to harvest such a relationship with our childs birthparents.
With that being said, they were supposed to call us that night. It never happened. Fast forward to the day of placement, and we were told that we would hear from them at 2pm. I have never guarded my phone SO closely. I had just been given the gift that words cannot explain: becoming a mother. How do you begin to thank someone for that??? I wanted so badly to make this relationship work for Noelanis sake. She deserved me to build this relationship....and I could never do anything  to ruin it. I sat by that phone on our car ride to the hotel....and hours after we arrived at the hotel. Hours I checked my phone. I don't even know if my family realized it because they were soooo wrapped up in this beautiful little girl we all just met. But, I knew I had to get that phone if it rang.
Well - days went by and we never heard a thing. I began to think that maybe they didn't want to hear from us. Maybe it was just too painful?
Then one day in August my phone rang. It was a restricted number. A woman on the other end of the phone asked for me. I won't go into details but this "woman" asked a bunch of personal questions and pretended to be someone interested in making an adoption plan for their baby. I listened to every word she said, and by the end of the phone conversation it dawned on me. It was her. That was Noelani's birth mother. No doubt in my mind. By then, our 800 number had been disconnected and nobody knew in detail the questions she could have asked about the adoption process. I never asked her name. I don't know if it was because I knew in my heart who it was...or maybe I was afraid to break this relationship I had wanted to have so bad for my daughter. If I asked - would she ever call again - would she ever admit who she was?! So we ended the conversation and she hung up, thinking that I believed she was a "mysterious" woman with a baby that needed to be placed.
That same week, I had mailed out the first "package" to her birthparents. Filled with letters, pictures, and a set of handprints/footprints.
We never got a response.
However, we moved before Christmas. I decided I wanted to send her birthmother something special for Christmas. Noelani made a footprint reindeer for her, and I sent a ton of pictures along with this necklace:

It was meant to remind her everyday that WE all love her. We still got no response. Once again, I sent another letter after Easter. This letter had over 100 pictures in it. We asked some questions, hoping to get more answers for our daughter about who she is and where she came from.

We agreed to a open or semi open adoption. Meaning, letters and pictures twice a year and always allowing them access to our phone, address and email addresses. However, we have yet to hear from them.

It breaks my heart that I have tried so desparately to build this relationship with them. In fact, I have her birthmothers phone #. Shortly after we moved before Christmas, the agency emailed me updated address information for her. I think they accidentally put her phone # in there as well. I would never break that privacy though. It just isn't my place - and again I don't want her to NOT trust me.

The hard part? Noelani has 3 siblings. One of whom is only a year older than her. She has sisters who she may never know or meet. Nobody in the family has ever known about her to my knowledge. Apparently nobody even knew her birthmother was pregnant.

SO - how do I make this relationship work? What will I tell my baby girl when she asks me what she will look like when she gets older? How will I tell her that I've tried SO very hard to make this relationship build and work....but apparently I must not be trying hard enough!!!!

I want to make it work so bad and it's the biggest failure I think I've had as being her mom. I don't believe for a SECOND that her birthparents don't think about her. But I hope that someday they can respond so she can hear from them who she will look like when she gets older......

**Chunky girl at 7 days old**