What do you do when your girls birthmother has another baby??

I am not sure how to begin this post. Truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get past the emotions I have right now. Only the future will let me be able to do so. When you suffer from infertility, all you can think of is "why can this person have children when they don't deserve to, and I cant?" I thought that MANY times while struggling. All I would think about is how I would do things differently. If only I could have ONE chance to be a mommy, I would never take a single moment for granted. I try to think that I don't take most of it for granted. Am I miserable and tired some days? YES. But, I'm busy being mommy, and fighting chronic illnesses as well (2 of them).
When we adopted Noelani, we agreed with the agency that we would send letters and pictures to her birthmother 1-2x a year. We also agreed to have her call us before and/or after placement. We NEVER heard from her. I would write her 2x a year, and I would send gifts for Christmas, and also send Christmas and Easter cards. Every time I would write a letter, I would include our address, complete spelling of our names, my email, both of our phone numbers, and my facebook name. In EVERY letter, I begged her to answer us, and invited her to be a part of our lives. I wanted to give her a chance to experience an open adoption with our daughter. Not only did I think it would be wonderful for Noelani, I thought it would be great for her birthmother. As time went on, I met a few birthmothers who explained that contact sometimes was just too hard. I accepted it and moved on.
2.5 years later, Kailani was born. Same birthmother. The agency we used, called me on my cell phone to ask if we would also adopt her. OF COURSE. We once again invited their birthmother to be a part of their lives. I asked the agency to invite her to the placement. She didn't come. She never called either. I continued to send pictures and letters. Same information, no response. SOMEDAY I had hoped she would answer.
Noelani began going through some medical issues that I needed answers for. My letters went unanswered, and reaching out to the agency seemed useless. They tried both numbers they had for her, and 1 was disconnected, the other went to voicemail. There was nothing I could do. For the sake of Noelani, we, as her parents had to make some tough decisions and submit her to some testing that wouldn't have been needed if we had answers.
We never knew either of the girls birthfathers. There was a name for Noelani's, but no address, and with Kailani, one was never named. We were given small details of height/weight and occupation for both but that was it.
On April 1, 2016 I looked at my phone and the agency had called. I missed the call. The voicemail stated that they had been in contact with their birthmom and had some more information for me since I had questions in the past. I found it weird, but I thought MAYBE she had gotten the letters and finally decided to call with medical info. It had been 3.5 years since Kailani was born. When I called back, the conversation was not what I expected. She now had ANOTHER baby, and was reaching out to the agency to see if we were willing to adopt a 3rd baby from her. Right away we said yes. There really isn't a question when it comes to these sort of things. They are siblings, so it didn't matter. All I asked was if it was a boy or girl. Boy. I didn't ask if he was healthy, how big he was, etc. It really didn't matter. This was their brother and that's all we had to know. You see, we had this conversation before (my husband and I), that if their birthmother had another baby, there would be no question in the matter. We would do what was right. This was her 7th baby. SEVENTH. The agency informed us she is now living in a motel with her 4 she parents. She had told the agency the baby would not be placed with anyone else if we did not agree to adopting him. By the end of the phone call, we were told we needed to immediately expedite a home study. This was at 5pm on a friday night.
I immediately got off the phone, and called our adoption attorney we had used in the past. She stated that had their birthmother contacted me directly, she could have gotten everything pushed through court within a week. The baby was due to be discharged on Monday, and she urged me to do everything within my power to contact their birthmother directly. If I could, we could be there upon his discharge and bring him home. If we used the agency, not only would they want $10,000 or more for placement, they would keep him in interim care for a month or more til all of the paperwork is done.
The only thing I could think to do is start calling every hospital I could think of in the area which she lived. I would ask for her by name in the L&D floor. I spent ALL night calling every hospital I could think of. NONE of them had a patient by that name. Then, finally, the day after something dawned on me. There was one hospital I had called that rang and rang and rang. I decided to call it back at 7am and ask for her. The janitor answered. Somehow the number I had wasn't for the admission desk. He transferred me and low and behold, SHE WAS THERE. I got her room number, direct phone number and they stated they would transfer me but it was early the phones may not be on.
I called back around 9am. I was transferred to L&D and a nurse stated she was there, and wanted to know who I was. I explained I was the adoptive mother of her 2 children and that if she didn't want to talk to me it was ok. She put me on hold and......
SHE ANSWERED. I asked her if it was ok that I was calling and if it wasn't, she could hang up at any time. She stated she wanted to speak with me. I explained the process above and that we could be there the next day (it was Sunday). She stopped me and said, well, that's kind of changed. My dad died yesterday. Out of 7 children, this was her first boy. She stated that she felt like God gave her this baby because He knew her father would die. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?? I tried to tell her how sorry I was and she began to cry that she loved me and had always gotten my pictures and letters but couldn't figure out a way to write her feelings on paper back to me. She then began to tell me she hasn't lived at the address I was mailing things to in about 2 years. 2 years. For 2 years she hasn't gotten anything. So, I began to tell her all about the girls.
I won't go into further detail because it is private the things we spoke about. I will state that the person on my oldest daughters paperwork, who is listed as her birthfather is a complete lie. This has led to numerous health tests and things that never needed to be done to her. I am very angry inside over that. VERY. She never even asked me about them. All of the things she knows about them, I provided information on. It struck me a few days later that she didn't ask a single question. Looking back, it was a very weird conversation. However, she did say that now, her family knows about the girls. At the time of placement, they didn't. She stated her 4 older girls always talk about meeting Noelani. This is another strange piece of conversation....she seemed to be interested in my oldest more than my little one. I still cannot figure that piece of it out. I got a little more info on why she placed Noelani, but, not a clear explanation on Kai.
I began to offer the thought that I would LOVE an open relationship with her. If this summer she wanted to meet up to see the girls, we would absolutely make it happen. I reiterated myself 100x that I do NOT judge anyone, and all that matters is she gave these girls life, and all the other things don't matter if she is worried about judgement. She was SO open and cried a few times on the phone with me. She never did ask if the girls knew about the baby, or any other questions about them. This will play into my feelings later on. She ended the conversation that as soon as her phone was paid and turned back on and charged, which it "should be by now", she would send me some pictures. I told her that was great and I would wait to hear from her.........
Click here to read part 2.

Will we adopt again?

Sure....maybe.....eh, I don't know. I really DON'T know. I always wanted 4 kids, but then I had 1 and I was happy....then I had 2 and I was SUPER happy. Now, my 2 no longer need me to watch every single move. They plan independently and with one another. They sleep in until 10:30 in the am, and if they wake up before that, they can go make a simple breakfast and watch TV until I can gather the strength for coffee.
My girls want a brother. I always wanted to have boys. I also always wanted to be a foster parent, and I still do.
Right now, Kailani is going through some testing at a local Children's hospital for some behavioral issues that we are trying to pinpoint.(i.e. autism, adhd, ocd, spd). So, until that is all handled, I don't believe it's fair to bring another child into our home. I would like to make sure she has everything in order for what she needs to be a successful child and not to bring any confusion into her life.
SO....maybe.....someday. And if it doesn't happen, I'm ok with that too.

Let's talk PADS......(Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome)

Ah. Where have I been? I'm back, with a rather important post, which will explain where I have been.
When Noelani came home, it was following YEARS of infertility treatments. I had every doctor known to man in my hooha, and had been poked with more needles than a pin cushion. Through every tear I ever cried, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Long before Antoine & I became married, I would look online at foster care sites and look at the children "available" for adoption. This was even before I knew I had fertility issues!!! There was always something inside me that wanted to adopt. So, when it came down to HOW to build a family, adoption wasn't a hard choice for me. For the sake of my own sense of self, we went as far as trying in vitro. I had that one last thing in me that said "Try it now, because when you are 45 you will wish you tried just ONCE", and so we did. It didn't work. BUT, exactly 9 months after that in vitro failed, Noelani was born! Lots of other little boring details made it apparent to us, that Noelani was supposed to be our daughter from day 1.
Fast forward about 2 years later. That's when we went through THIS shit: Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on. Yeah, I was just about certain of our life of 3 being just what it always would be. I blocked that entire situation out of my memory as best as I could. BUT, something within me wouldn't block it all out. In fact, that whole situation made me realize we needed to be foster parents. Antoine worked at a home for troubled teenagers at the time, and we decided we would open our doors to children who needed help. We would show them love and kindness and that the world wasn't such a shitty place. We would be foster parents. When and IF the time came, we would possibly adopt again. BUT, I wasn't even so sure that this was the right decision. I figured we would get our first placement and if it didn't feel right, we could always gracefully bow out.
Well, as the story goes, one day while at work, THIS happened: Kailani was born! My knees buckled....literally. Well, read that link if you want the full story. BUT, within months, we went from a very awful, drawn out, ugly failed placement, to becoming foster parents, to being told our daughter had a sister! (I also never really told anyone, but that first link above, where we got attached to that little boy, well, about a month after that all happened, his mom called to tell me she was pregnant and that she wanted us to adopt her baby she was pregnant with.....I told her to call her dr, planned parenthood, someone else...not us. She had the baby around Christmas by the way, and never told her family. Her sister contacted me on FB the night she gave birth. I told her sister she had asked us to adopt, and that I hoped everything worked out for her). PHEW!!!!
OK OK OK....SO....why did I disappear from the blogging world???? PADS. What is pads??? Go ahead.....start to type "Post Adoption" into your google search bar. If yours is fancy like mine, it usually gives suggestions as to the common searched items. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome pops up in the list. But, how could something SO common NEVER EVER once be mentioned in all of the adoption and foster care classes we took?!!?!?
MONTHS, MONTHS of these crazy symptoms and all I could think is what the f*ck is wrong with me???? Here I was, a stay at home mom, my family of 4, and with a new business. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be thankful??? The NY times wrote an article that talked about the things that NOW I can see:

One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said. “Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained

I LOVED my girls so much, but I was having SUCH a hard time meeting everyone's expectations of how I should feel. Kailani cried all.day.long. She was the perfect little angel for about a couple days when she came home. She was this itty bitty helpless little peanut. But, she was placed in our arms out of no where. I felt like someone was going to come knocking on my door and say "Oops, we made a mistake and she really has to leave now"....so something inside told me not to get too close to her. Someone was going to take her away, this couldn't be SO perfect. Then there was the crying....oh my poor sweetest Kailani and her CONSTANT crying unless I held her. I embraced it, I had no choice....I do not believe in cry it out. So, I wore her....all day. The only time I put her down was to briefly shower. I had to explain to Noelani that she HAD to cry while I showered. She was safe, fed, changed etc. Her sleep....she didn't sleep UNLESS she was on top of me. For nearly 12 months I had an infant sleeping on top of me for every.single nap and night. I couldn't lay her next to me because she would wiggle her itty bitty body UNDER me. Lets also mention once again how FAST and crazy this adoption was. Antoine got ZERO time off of work except to go pick her up. He literally went to work the night we came back home. I was left with a 2.5 year old and newborn baby all by myself every single night AND day (because he was working doubles since I had NO paid time off of work). I was alone, tired, and felt helpless. I will never forget my mom asking me if I was ok. Did I regret adopting Kailani?? Did I love her?? YES YES....I did. But, I couldn't explain what was wrong with me!!!!!!

The U.S. Administration for Children and Families describe the warning signs of Post-Adoption Depression as:

• Loss of interest in being around others
• Often on the verge of tears
• Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
• Significant weight change
• Excessive guilt
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Feelings of worthlessness
• A sense of hopelessness
• Loss of enjoyment
• Irritability
• Recurring thoughts about death or suicide

I pretty much had almost all of those warning signs, but I loved my baby and my toddler SO much. Why was I SUCH a horrific person (in my mind)??? One thing I know with all of my heart, is that if I didn't have that in home daycare I was running, I wouldn't have pushed through this. I wouldn't be where I am today. That was a very hard time for me. I didn't even confide it in my husband. I felt like the most horrible human being on earth. I felt like all of the time and energy and love for Noelani was sucked out of me by now having Kailani. She was such a needy baby and I didn't know how to process that and still feel like a good mom. Remember I was supposed to be a "superparent"????? Noelani was the EASIEST baby on earth....and an even easier toddler. I felt like I was a horrible mom because Kai was taking all of that away from us. In hindsight I know how ridiculous that is. It's so stupid and far from the truth, but when I was in that fog, I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I was ruining Noelani's life and that someone was going to come and take this baby away from me. I stopped blogging because I felt like I couldn't really be REAL anymore. I became a mom to a newborn, left my job of 7 years and opened a daycare....all while feeling like the most incompetent person on planet earth!!

How did I get through it?? I'm not really sure!!! I don't have an "aha!" moment to say this is the day I knew things would be ok. Things just seemed to get better. They got easier. Kailani became happier and her adoption became FINAL. Nobody could take my baby. She began to play with Noelani. In my brain, Noelani was happy to have a sister, so I guess I didn't ruin her life after all??? 

All of these thoughts might seem absurd to someone else. They seem crazy to me now as well, looking back. BUT I feel like this was a really important topic to blog about before entering back into this "blogosphere". Everyone knows that women can get PPD, but NOBODY talks about PADS. I wish there was a flyer given out when you adopt that says "HERE, this can happen to you."......I also wish I had some sort of resource to lean on when it was happening and I was going through it. I had my family, but I didn't think they would understand. I had my doctors, but again, I just figured they would brush me off. But I really really URGE women going through it to seek help. I would have been over it MUCH quicker if I would have swallowed my pride and admitted what I was going through.

PLUS.....How could I NOT love this little face????? I mean come on, how kissable is she???

In the end, I have found that my heart loves both of these girls exactly the same but for different reasons. Kailani has turned out to have some challenges that I will blog about at another time, but I wouldn't want anyone to be her mama other than me, and I wouldn't want ANYONE else in the world to hold her hand in life as she walks through it all. I really believe that God made her just for us, and it kills me inside that I ever struggled at one point to connect and be happy when she came home.

Three years!!

My dearest baby girl Noelani-three years ago today, we were packing the van up to drive and meet you. How can it be three years have gone by?! You gave me LIFE, you made us what you tell me everyday-BEST FRIENDS. You tell me everyday "mommy you're my best friend". Baby girl, if you only knew how much I love you and how much YOU are my best friend!
I cannot imagine my life without you for one second. I still seem to wonder how did I get so lucky and become a mom to the most kind spirited little girl. I hope nobody ever steals that spirit from you.
You made us a family. I am so honored to be your mommy!! I will never forget the first time I looked into those big brown eyes of yours. Fate brought you to me, and I just wish I could slow the clock down to savor every moment we have together!
I love you with all of my heart Noelani Ailynn! Thank you for being my daughter, and making me a mommy!!

Going to say goodbye

WELL...it's been an interesting span of my life....just about 7 years actually, and I am leaving it. I'm leaving my job. I never thought I would be saying this. But it's time. My girls need me.
I'm going to be returning for approximately a month or so on Dec 18th. My mother and husband will split up watching the girls until I am finished working.
While I have been off of work, I have been working towards being licensed as a daycare provider. My licensing is just about complete. By mid January, I will be a licensed daycare provider in my home. My plan is just to take a few kids in to supplement our income. We will go on my husbands health insurance, and I will stay home with the girls this way.
I never saw myself as a stay at home mom - so hopefully being busy all day will keep ME busy enough! I am looking forward to this. It is a decision I threw around when Noelani was a baby. I never decided to do it because the cost of daycare didn't really outweigh the benefits of working full time. However, it is now apparent that to send my 2 girls to daycare, I will be handing my paycheck over for someone else to raise my kids. I also started throwing around the idea of home schooling Noelani, and so with ALL of these things going on, the best way to handle it all is going to be for me to be home.
Noelani went to a really close friends daycare, which I am thankful for because I never had to worry! She developed SO much better than I could ever have imagined as far as her skills of knowing her shapes, numbers, letters, etc. I credit that to my friend, because she really works with the kids at her daycare. I hope that I can provide those skills for other parents and their children.
I absolutely love and adore children, so I know that I will be completely ok in that aspect of nurturing all of the kids! I worked in a daycare for quite a few years back in college, and it was my favorite job. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and get a real job back then, or I would probably have never left that field.Noey went part time up until the baby came home, but Antoine is looking for a new job. That means I would have to put both girls in full time 40+ hours a week. YIKES!
Hopefully this is going to be the best fit for us for now. If not, well, it will work out. I am not going to stress over it. This is what seems like the best decision, so we shall see!!
If anyone needs daycare, pass the word and give them my info! Oh - and wish me luck. I sit behind a desk for 37.5 hours a week and program computers....this is TOTALLY going to be a change in pace for me!

This is not how I want things to happen

Why isn't our daughter home yet? Contact issues!!!! Her birthmom, mom, whatever people may label her at this point has not contacted our agency back in a week. Let me make it clear that if you are speculating shes going to keep the baby or change her mind, she has not seen the baby since Aug 24. It is impossible for me to imagine her changing her mind at this point.
It is driving us crazy because the agency has to follow certain protocols before they can just show up at her house. Antoine and I are concerned that something may have happened to her but i know that is just me being pessimitic AND me thinking "how on earth could she not call and ask about her baby for a week?!". BUT i must look at things in her point of view. I would imagine she must separate herself from this to some extent or she would go crazy.
I also found out today that the agency took a week to call us after the baby was born to "sort things". It had nothing to do with birthmom or any thought of her changing her mind. It was simply them making sure the baby was healthy and then them digging through paperwork for our contact info It kind of makes me wonder what birthmom does with our pics and letters since we always put out address and phone info in there. Ah well i could wonder 100 different scenarios. At this point they are waiting for her to call back responding to their letter. Prayers that it doesnt go further. They discussed getting DCFS involved and that is REALLY not how i want things to happen.
We offered through email tonight to pay someone at the agency to go to her home by Wed if no contact was made. Legally i am not sure if they have to send the DCFS letter first. Again, this is totally not how i want it to go. I think she really does not understand the urgency of this paperwork.
I have to admit tonight, Antoine tried texting the # we have for her. No response. We tried to call the # and blocked our number and again no answer. No voicemail picked up either. So i have no clue if that is even a valid number, nor do I know if its not working properly.
All we can do is wait and let the agency do what they must. At this point i hate to be negative towards birthmom but she is really making me feel this baby would be safer with us. Again, I want her here asap. But i also want birthmom not to feel pressured, nor do I need or want her changing her mind when she signs (NY has a 30 day period after signing). It isnt as simple as her saying gee i just want the baby back, BUT she could challenge it within that time frame. SO it is best to know this is everything she chose and was not forced into feeling.
Hopefully by next week we will for sure know something if it makes it as far as the agency visiting her home.

Another day

And another day goes by. Our baby girl is stuck in interim care while she could be home with her big sister. This really breaks my heart.
A letter went out to Noelanis birthmother requesting she responds asap. If there is no response, they will then follow up with a letter stating that DCFS is going to be called. They are hoping that will make her respond since she currently parents 4 children.
Prayers are needed, so this little angel can come HOME.
This is Not how I wanted to see things happen, but it is clear to me that she. Is not going to respond any other way!