Let's talk PADS......(Post-Adoption Depression Syndrome)

Ah. Where have I been? I'm back, with a rather important post, which will explain where I have been.
When Noelani came home, it was following YEARS of infertility treatments. I had every doctor known to man in my hooha, and had been poked with more needles than a pin cushion. Through every tear I ever cried, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Long before Antoine & I became married, I would look online at foster care sites and look at the children "available" for adoption. This was even before I knew I had fertility issues!!! There was always something inside me that wanted to adopt. So, when it came down to HOW to build a family, adoption wasn't a hard choice for me. For the sake of my own sense of self, we went as far as trying in vitro. I had that one last thing in me that said "Try it now, because when you are 45 you will wish you tried just ONCE", and so we did. It didn't work. BUT, exactly 9 months after that in vitro failed, Noelani was born! Lots of other little boring details made it apparent to us, that Noelani was supposed to be our daughter from day 1.
Fast forward about 2 years later. That's when we went through THIS shit: Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on. Yeah, I was just about certain of our life of 3 being just what it always would be. I blocked that entire situation out of my memory as best as I could. BUT, something within me wouldn't block it all out. In fact, that whole situation made me realize we needed to be foster parents. Antoine worked at a home for troubled teenagers at the time, and we decided we would open our doors to children who needed help. We would show them love and kindness and that the world wasn't such a shitty place. We would be foster parents. When and IF the time came, we would possibly adopt again. BUT, I wasn't even so sure that this was the right decision. I figured we would get our first placement and if it didn't feel right, we could always gracefully bow out.
Well, as the story goes, one day while at work, THIS happened: Kailani was born! My knees buckled....literally. Well, read that link if you want the full story. BUT, within months, we went from a very awful, drawn out, ugly failed placement, to becoming foster parents, to being told our daughter had a sister! (I also never really told anyone, but that first link above, where we got attached to that little boy, well, about a month after that all happened, his mom called to tell me she was pregnant and that she wanted us to adopt her baby she was pregnant with.....I told her to call her dr, planned parenthood, someone else...not us. She had the baby around Christmas by the way, and never told her family. Her sister contacted me on FB the night she gave birth. I told her sister she had asked us to adopt, and that I hoped everything worked out for her). PHEW!!!!
OK OK OK....SO....why did I disappear from the blogging world???? PADS. What is pads??? Go ahead.....start to type "Post Adoption" into your google search bar. If yours is fancy like mine, it usually gives suggestions as to the common searched items. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome pops up in the list. But, how could something SO common NEVER EVER once be mentioned in all of the adoption and foster care classes we took?!!?!?
MONTHS, MONTHS of these crazy symptoms and all I could think is what the f*ck is wrong with me???? Here I was, a stay at home mom, my family of 4, and with a new business. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be thankful??? The NY times wrote an article that talked about the things that NOW I can see:

One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said. “Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained

I LOVED my girls so much, but I was having SUCH a hard time meeting everyone's expectations of how I should feel. Kailani cried all.day.long. She was the perfect little angel for about a couple days when she came home. She was this itty bitty helpless little peanut. But, she was placed in our arms out of no where. I felt like someone was going to come knocking on my door and say "Oops, we made a mistake and she really has to leave now"....so something inside told me not to get too close to her. Someone was going to take her away, this couldn't be SO perfect. Then there was the crying....oh my poor sweetest Kailani and her CONSTANT crying unless I held her. I embraced it, I had no choice....I do not believe in cry it out. So, I wore her....all day. The only time I put her down was to briefly shower. I had to explain to Noelani that she HAD to cry while I showered. She was safe, fed, changed etc. Her sleep....she didn't sleep UNLESS she was on top of me. For nearly 12 months I had an infant sleeping on top of me for every.single nap and night. I couldn't lay her next to me because she would wiggle her itty bitty body UNDER me. Lets also mention once again how FAST and crazy this adoption was. Antoine got ZERO time off of work except to go pick her up. He literally went to work the night we came back home. I was left with a 2.5 year old and newborn baby all by myself every single night AND day (because he was working doubles since I had NO paid time off of work). I was alone, tired, and felt helpless. I will never forget my mom asking me if I was ok. Did I regret adopting Kailani?? Did I love her?? YES YES....I did. But, I couldn't explain what was wrong with me!!!!!!

The U.S. Administration for Children and Families describe the warning signs of Post-Adoption Depression as:

• Loss of interest in being around others
• Often on the verge of tears
• Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
• Significant weight change
• Excessive guilt
• Feelings of powerlessness
• Feelings of worthlessness
• A sense of hopelessness
• Loss of enjoyment
• Irritability
• Recurring thoughts about death or suicide

I pretty much had almost all of those warning signs, but I loved my baby and my toddler SO much. Why was I SUCH a horrific person (in my mind)??? One thing I know with all of my heart, is that if I didn't have that in home daycare I was running, I wouldn't have pushed through this. I wouldn't be where I am today. That was a very hard time for me. I didn't even confide it in my husband. I felt like the most horrible human being on earth. I felt like all of the time and energy and love for Noelani was sucked out of me by now having Kailani. She was such a needy baby and I didn't know how to process that and still feel like a good mom. Remember I was supposed to be a "superparent"????? Noelani was the EASIEST baby on earth....and an even easier toddler. I felt like I was a horrible mom because Kai was taking all of that away from us. In hindsight I know how ridiculous that is. It's so stupid and far from the truth, but when I was in that fog, I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I was ruining Noelani's life and that someone was going to come and take this baby away from me. I stopped blogging because I felt like I couldn't really be REAL anymore. I became a mom to a newborn, left my job of 7 years and opened a daycare....all while feeling like the most incompetent person on planet earth!!

How did I get through it?? I'm not really sure!!! I don't have an "aha!" moment to say this is the day I knew things would be ok. Things just seemed to get better. They got easier. Kailani became happier and her adoption became FINAL. Nobody could take my baby. She began to play with Noelani. In my brain, Noelani was happy to have a sister, so I guess I didn't ruin her life after all??? 

All of these thoughts might seem absurd to someone else. They seem crazy to me now as well, looking back. BUT I feel like this was a really important topic to blog about before entering back into this "blogosphere". Everyone knows that women can get PPD, but NOBODY talks about PADS. I wish there was a flyer given out when you adopt that says "HERE, this can happen to you."......I also wish I had some sort of resource to lean on when it was happening and I was going through it. I had my family, but I didn't think they would understand. I had my doctors, but again, I just figured they would brush me off. But I really really URGE women going through it to seek help. I would have been over it MUCH quicker if I would have swallowed my pride and admitted what I was going through.

PLUS.....How could I NOT love this little face????? I mean come on, how kissable is she???

In the end, I have found that my heart loves both of these girls exactly the same but for different reasons. Kailani has turned out to have some challenges that I will blog about at another time, but I wouldn't want anyone to be her mama other than me, and I wouldn't want ANYONE else in the world to hold her hand in life as she walks through it all. I really believe that God made her just for us, and it kills me inside that I ever struggled at one point to connect and be happy when she came home.

Three years!!

My dearest baby girl Noelani-three years ago today, we were packing the van up to drive and meet you. How can it be three years have gone by?! You gave me LIFE, you made us what you tell me everyday-BEST FRIENDS. You tell me everyday "mommy you're my best friend". Baby girl, if you only knew how much I love you and how much YOU are my best friend!
I cannot imagine my life without you for one second. I still seem to wonder how did I get so lucky and become a mom to the most kind spirited little girl. I hope nobody ever steals that spirit from you.
You made us a family. I am so honored to be your mommy!! I will never forget the first time I looked into those big brown eyes of yours. Fate brought you to me, and I just wish I could slow the clock down to savor every moment we have together!
I love you with all of my heart Noelani Ailynn! Thank you for being my daughter, and making me a mommy!!

Going to say goodbye

WELL...it's been an interesting span of my life....just about 7 years actually, and I am leaving it. I'm leaving my job. I never thought I would be saying this. But it's time. My girls need me.
I'm going to be returning for approximately a month or so on Dec 18th. My mother and husband will split up watching the girls until I am finished working.
While I have been off of work, I have been working towards being licensed as a daycare provider. My licensing is just about complete. By mid January, I will be a licensed daycare provider in my home. My plan is just to take a few kids in to supplement our income. We will go on my husbands health insurance, and I will stay home with the girls this way.
I never saw myself as a stay at home mom - so hopefully being busy all day will keep ME busy enough! I am looking forward to this. It is a decision I threw around when Noelani was a baby. I never decided to do it because the cost of daycare didn't really outweigh the benefits of working full time. However, it is now apparent that to send my 2 girls to daycare, I will be handing my paycheck over for someone else to raise my kids. I also started throwing around the idea of home schooling Noelani, and so with ALL of these things going on, the best way to handle it all is going to be for me to be home.
Noelani went to a really close friends daycare, which I am thankful for because I never had to worry! She developed SO much better than I could ever have imagined as far as her skills of knowing her shapes, numbers, letters, etc. I credit that to my friend, because she really works with the kids at her daycare. I hope that I can provide those skills for other parents and their children.
I absolutely love and adore children, so I know that I will be completely ok in that aspect of nurturing all of the kids! I worked in a daycare for quite a few years back in college, and it was my favorite job. Unfortunately, I had to grow up and get a real job back then, or I would probably have never left that field.Noey went part time up until the baby came home, but Antoine is looking for a new job. That means I would have to put both girls in full time 40+ hours a week. YIKES!
Hopefully this is going to be the best fit for us for now. If not, well, it will work out. I am not going to stress over it. This is what seems like the best decision, so we shall see!!
If anyone needs daycare, pass the word and give them my info! Oh - and wish me luck. I sit behind a desk for 37.5 hours a week and program computers....this is TOTALLY going to be a change in pace for me!

This is not how I want things to happen

Why isn't our daughter home yet? Contact issues!!!! Her birthmom, mom, whatever people may label her at this point has not contacted our agency back in a week. Let me make it clear that if you are speculating shes going to keep the baby or change her mind, she has not seen the baby since Aug 24. It is impossible for me to imagine her changing her mind at this point.
It is driving us crazy because the agency has to follow certain protocols before they can just show up at her house. Antoine and I are concerned that something may have happened to her but i know that is just me being pessimitic AND me thinking "how on earth could she not call and ask about her baby for a week?!". BUT i must look at things in her point of view. I would imagine she must separate herself from this to some extent or she would go crazy.
I also found out today that the agency took a week to call us after the baby was born to "sort things". It had nothing to do with birthmom or any thought of her changing her mind. It was simply them making sure the baby was healthy and then them digging through paperwork for our contact info It kind of makes me wonder what birthmom does with our pics and letters since we always put out address and phone info in there. Ah well i could wonder 100 different scenarios. At this point they are waiting for her to call back responding to their letter. Prayers that it doesnt go further. They discussed getting DCFS involved and that is REALLY not how i want things to happen.
We offered through email tonight to pay someone at the agency to go to her home by Wed if no contact was made. Legally i am not sure if they have to send the DCFS letter first. Again, this is totally not how i want it to go. I think she really does not understand the urgency of this paperwork.
I have to admit tonight, Antoine tried texting the # we have for her. No response. We tried to call the # and blocked our number and again no answer. No voicemail picked up either. So i have no clue if that is even a valid number, nor do I know if its not working properly.
All we can do is wait and let the agency do what they must. At this point i hate to be negative towards birthmom but she is really making me feel this baby would be safer with us. Again, I want her here asap. But i also want birthmom not to feel pressured, nor do I need or want her changing her mind when she signs (NY has a 30 day period after signing). It isnt as simple as her saying gee i just want the baby back, BUT she could challenge it within that time frame. SO it is best to know this is everything she chose and was not forced into feeling.
Hopefully by next week we will for sure know something if it makes it as far as the agency visiting her home.

Another day

And another day goes by. Our baby girl is stuck in interim care while she could be home with her big sister. This really breaks my heart.
A letter went out to Noelanis birthmother requesting she responds asap. If there is no response, they will then follow up with a letter stating that DCFS is going to be called. They are hoping that will make her respond since she currently parents 4 children.
Prayers are needed, so this little angel can come HOME.
This is Not how I wanted to see things happen, but it is clear to me that she. Is not going to respond any other way!

Waiting

Thats all there is left to do. Noelanis birthmom last had contact with the agency this past Friday. She said she would call monday (2 days ago) and set up a time to sign surrender this week. She stated on friday exactly what i had assumed. Life was overwhelming for her as a single mom of 4 girls returning to school.
They have left two messages with her this week and are going to be mailing a letter and stopping by. Since we have been through this with her before, while I am a bit concerned, I am not shocked.
With Noelani, as you all know, she was in care for nearly 3 months. The entire time, she would take on average 3 days to return calls. I dont know why. I hate to judge. But as humans i think its normal to think "what the hell could she not be calling back for?!"
We heard the intake report tonight. Her BM found out she was pregnant 3 months along. From day one she knew she would place this baby. That makes things a bit harder of a pill for me to swallow. She did nothing to plan placement.
On a brighter note, she was elated that we said we would adopt the baby and keep the girls together. She did not name the birthfather this time around. Many have asked. HOWEVER I did get a description of him in the intake letter. I believe it is the same birthfather as Noelani. I will not post details, but if it isn't, she was dating the same type of guy with the same profession.
Another good note is that the agency will accept our foster care homestudy - yay to saving $500!!!!!!!!!
Now all we need is for her to return the call.....which Antoine feels confident will happen shortly.

How did we get here?

HOW did this happen?! Everyone wants to know!!!! I am just as shocked as everyone who is about to read this!!!
As everyone now knows, Antoine & I worked very hard all summer to become foster parents. We just got the green light...and since Antoine works for the agency as a counselor in their group homes, he needed a special piece of paper signed. This paper was given the green light and signed by the director this past Tuesday. It is in the midst of being transferred to the foster care office. Our social worker is currently on vacation until Tuesday.
With that being said, knowing we are going to be foster parents, I've been collecting items for potential children who may enter our home. My biggest thing was clothing. Alot of children come in to care with nothing.On Friday am, as I was driving to work, I saw a garage sale. I kicked myself in the butt because as I passed by I saw TONS of little kid/girl stuff. I just told myself "well, I guess on lunch I will stop by". Lunch time rolled around, and before I went there, I stopped and sold a pair of Noelani's old curtains to someone I worked with. SO I thought well I will just limit myself to this $10 and not bother running to the bank. Off I went to the garage sale with my $10. When I got there, I saw a table of girls clothing. I kind of looked quickly, and noticed it said "$5 for everything on the table". I thought - WELL, even if I only keep 5 things from this pile, its worth it. So the guy asked if I had a girl the size of the clothing, and I said "no, just picking them up for foster kids"....he said "WOW thats great, you are a saint for doing that...I tell ya what, see all of that stuff over there? If you want you can have everything $10". The other table had 4 bins under it and another pile and a box. I left that garage sale with my back seat and trunk STUFFED with 6 boxes of baby clothes up to size 7/8 for $10!
I ran to McDonalds (yuk GAG) - since it was right around the corner and I had to FLY back to work. When I got back to work, I told the 4 ladies I work with about the great deal on the clothes I just got. They were all shocked and thought it was awesome. Next thing I knew, I approached my desk to charge my phone and noticed I had THREE missed calls and a voicemail. Funny I thought. My intial thought was that it was Walgreens or Target leaving me a message that SOMEONE in our family had medication to be picked up. For some reason, they always have auto systems that have out of area phone numbers. THEN it hit me.....WAIT....this is SPENCE CHAPIN CALLING (Noelanis adoption agency)!
I have to say, my blood from my body felt like it drained at that very moment. Everyone knows I long for an open adoption, and to have Spence Chapin calling - I just couldn't foresee good news. TRUTHFULLY I had flashes of them telling me something horrible happened to Noeys birthparents. For those 30 seconds (which felt like 45 minutes), as I was returning the agencies call, I had visions of how I was going to tell Noelani that she would never meet her birthmom because something happened. I got the workers voicemail. PANIC. This is NOT good I thought. I gained my composure and began leaving a message. WAIT I thought...maybe it's not so bad....maybe her BM just called Spence Chapin because we haven't sent her a letter and pics in a long time...SHAME on me I thought. She probably called and was upset and they are calling us to see why!!!!
Just as I was leaving the message, my cell phone rang. It was Spence Chapins worker - "Hi Jennifer...I'm calling you because I have some news about birthmom (keeping her name out of this in the blog post)" *(omg omg omg I thought...I can't believe it...it's bad news....something happened)*....I think everything stopped moving at that moment. The room stopped, and I couldn't even feel my heart beating.
The next words were...."she delivered a baby girl last week".....My response? "oh....MY......GOD"
It was that very moment, the 5 girls I worked with that day, all jumped and said "WHATS WRONG!!!!!" I proceeded to hear the social worker say "well, BM wanted us to call you and see if you are interested in adopting this baby"...."YES YES YES OF COURSE!!!!!!!!" Here I had the worked on the phone and i'm yelling to my supervisor "CALL ANTOINE!!!"
She called Antoine and as he later told me, he thought I was in a car accident (what is with us being so pessimistic!!!!). She said "I have news for you but hang on, Jenn has to tell you". The social workers talking in my ear, and I'm waving my supervisor on "tell him tell him!!!!"
She proceeds to tell me the baby has been in their "supervision/care" since she was 2 days old. She has jaundice and is being monitored. Shes a healthy 7lbs and 21". Same exact medical history as Noey of course.
She asks me if I have any questions....NONE. I don't have a single one. This baby could have 4 toes and be blind in one eye and we would still say yes. This is Noelanis SISTER. She belongs with her sister. There's only 2 options for this little girl. Our house or BM's....and BM has made the decision it won't be hers - not because she doesn't love her. Because she loves her THAT much to choose this for her. She gave her life. The biggest gift of all that I could never give this baby girl!!!!
So, when she asks if I had questions....my response was "NO....but can you relay a message to her for us?? I want you to tell her that we love her...we tell her this in our letters...but we really really love her....and if she wants to be there for placement we would love her to meet up with Noelani and meet her....and if she is not comfy at the agency, we can meet her at a park afterwards!!!!"
How fast can we get her?!! Well, it was about 1:57pm and Spence Chapin was closing for the weekend until Tuesday because of the labor day holiday. BM now has to sign paperwork to relinquish rights. Once all of that is done, and our current homestudy is sent, we can get her!!! In all reality and truth....it won't be until late this week, EARLY next. I was advised to call our foster care place, and see IF they would release the home study, and if so, was it ok for a private adoption.
I spent the next hour on the phone TRYING to get ahold of someone at that office. AGAIN everyone was gone on vacation. AHHHH I wanted to scream. I left 4 people voicemails, called and was transferred everywhere. Someone finally called me back....he said they wouldn't refuse transfer of it, but they need to speak to Spence Chapin and are not sure if it's good enough for private adoption. I now have an email out to our original social worker who did Noelanis home study. I am PRAYING that since our fingerprints and background stuff all was done, that somehow the two can be merged by the end of this week!!!!
So, now we wait until Tuesday am.....at 9:00 when both places open. To say we are on pins and needles is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR understatement.
Oh and does Noelani understand? WELL....we told her she was going to have a baby sister...she replied "I'm a BROTHER" lol!!!! Tonight we asked her what did she want to name the baby?.....We said, do you want her to have a similar name? "Yes daddy" she replied....he said "What do you want to name your sister?"....She replied "Chicken nugget". Guess we will have to work on that one...hahhahhaha!!

EDITED TO ADD:
Two things I wanted to add that I forgot. When I got home after work, I unloaded the boxes of clothes. As I sat on the kitchen floor going through them, I just said...WELL I guess I will be donating all of these to the foster agency....as I went through the boxes....there were baby girl clothing in there....0-3 months and 3-6 month clothing. CRAZY!!!!!
Ok, I lied....3 things to add. SECOND...tonight, I sat down to braid Noeys hair, and she asks if she can watch Dora. WELL, I turn on Nick Jr...and what episode starts? The "Dora's going to be a big sister" episode!!!!!
I believe in fate, and these are just signs to me!
LASTLY....I would like to put this out there. YES, I'm sure it may have crossed peoples minds. And, if it hasn't GOOD FOR YOU. BUT...NO Noelani's birthmom does NOT have some crazy life that prevents her from parenting. In fact, she HAS 4 children that she currently parents day in and day out. She does not have some wacky drug addiction or alcohol addiction as some people have so rudely asked me. She is a perfectly decent person from the information I have about her. She just does not have the means to take care of another child financially. THESE were her decisions.