Where have we been? Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on

I will preface this post by saying it will be LONG. It will talk about some VERY difficult decisions we made as a family. Additionally, I am abbreviating names because I don't want ANYONE to know who I am talking about.
As many of you know, my daughter goes to daycare. About a year ago, her provider approached me about a little boy - I will refer to him as "J". He was at the time, around maybe 8 months old. I was told that a family at my daughters daycare was looking to place him for adoption. At the time, I gave my information to my daughters daycare provider, and she was going to pass it along. I never heard much about it from then on. That was ok with us, and I never really worried about it since we were content with where our family was at the time.
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, about 4-5 weeks ago, my daughters daycare provider approached me again. She was contacted by this family again (whom no longer brought their kids to her), but they were once again trying to find a home for "J". THIS time though, my daughters provider was contacted by email and was told that "J" would be dropped off to an adoption agency that Friday if they could not place him with someone - he was now 18 months old. This email came from "J"'s aunt who I will refer to as "Aunt M".
Antoine and I were NOT looking to adopt right away. Ironically enough, within the prior week, we were approached by 2 other adoption scenarios which we chose not to pursue due to other reasons. However, after talking, we thought maybe "J" is supposed to be in our family, and now that it's almost a year later and they want to place him, they are ready to do this.
I contacted Aunt M and told her that we would be interested in more information. She replied and asked me to call her mother - "Grandma L". I promptly called Grandma L on my lunch and had a lengthy conversation with her. In which, she was in tears and crying how she could NOT take care of J anymore, and loved him, but that he needs a mom and dad - a family to love him. She proceeded to tell me that she had a lung illness, agoraphobia, and Crones . She told me that her husband had bone cancer. She explained to me that her daughter (J's mom) wanted nothing to do with J. J's mom I will call "C". She proceeded to tell me a story of how when J was around 6 months old, she showed up at C's house and found him locked in a laundry closet strapped into a carseat naked on dirty laundry screaming. She claimed that C neglected him. This is when she took J. Since that timeframe, J was bounced from house to house to house. The aunts, and grandma, and occasionally C would take him. When I was told occasionally, it was that Grandma L would have "enough" and CALL child protective services to make C take J back. This seemed to be a never ending cycle by what I was told. I was told that C claimed she just did not love J. She was neglectful to him and my heart broke as I heard this story. Apparently all of Grandma L's children (6) were up to "no good" so nobody else could take custody of J. C did not "love" J because he was conceived in a violent manner (I'm sure you can use your imagination to get to what I'm explaining).
Grandma L proceeded to email me a picture of J (which really didn't matter to me, because a child is a child). But, she then proceeded to invite me over. She claimed she only wanted Noelani and myself to come over, because she was afraid of men, so was J, and she has her agoraphobia. I was trying to be as sympathetic as possible so I agreed. This was on a Thursday, and that Saturday I had plans to go to her house. Saturday rolled around and she canceled and planned on Sunday. Sunday, I went to her house with Noey. He was outside alone in a swing drinking his bottle. We spent the late morning there letting the kids play, and she asked me quite a few questions. Her ultimate goal was to find a family for him and to have an open relationship. She wanted to visit him possibly 1-2 times a month. As you all know, I wish for an open adoption for my daughter, so that was NO problem with us! Fast forward to us leaving, and she set up for us to visit again that coming Wednesday. I was to go there and bring Noey again, and possibly take him to the park. THIS.NEVER.HAPPENED.
As Wednesday approached, Aunt M emailed me and stated that she wanted to talk to her sister - C - because she wasn't sure if this is what she wanted, and she wanted to see where C stood. I got nervous, and  it dawned on me - I never asked Grandma L if she had custody of J. Because of the situation I had just assumed grandma had custody. I called Grandma and asked her if she had custody. She told me no. In between all of this, I was also told that J had probably not been given any shots thusfar, and who knew when the last time he went to a dr was. I explained I was nervous that C would not want to do this, and Grandma got VERY upset with me. She said not to listen to what Aunt M said. Mind you, Grandma L has high stress level, so I was dealing with Aunt M so that it would reduce grandma's stress. She - Grandma L said she had told C all about me and that C loved the idea. I questioned about our meeting Wed, and was told it was still on. Wed rolled around and Grandma L called me while I was at work, she had to cancel once again because she didn't feel well. She then proceeded to ask me if I could start picking up J and bringing him with Noey to daycare 3 days a week "since I would be passing her house on the way to and from getting Noey". She said she would pay me gas $ and pay for daycare. I thought this was very odd. I talked to my daughters provider, and she said if I REALLY wanted her to do it she would for me.....but we kind of both decided it wasn't a good idea. Regardless, J had no immunizations, and that was needed for daycare. I called Grandma L back and explained this to her. She cut me off and VERY nasty said "well thats fine i will just find someone else. Look, maybe I will call you to set something up this weekend". I followed up our conversation with an email that said basically we would love to adopt J, but until we meet or talk to C, we cannot help further. Please let me know if she would talk with us. Sorry. Before all of this, I had sent a lengthy email regarding how we would transition him to our home. Of course every idea I had in there she said was a bad idea. BUT, when she was calling asking me about this daycare idea, she said once again in tears how "she cannot do this and that I asked when she wants J to transition to us and she wished it could be TODAY".
After that phone call, I became more insistent that I needed to meet C. This was C's decision. Not anyone elses. Aunt M understood this. We talked and Aunt M set up for C to come to our home. I was told that C was also nervous, so it would be easiest if it were just me and Noelani again. We did not find it necessary by this time to tell Grandma L this was happening. She had bad enough stress, and every time i talked to her, she was in tears about something different. I figured C may not even like us so why stress Grandma L about it if she didn't have to.
On Saturday, C came over with Aunt M. Noey had dance, so I rushed home from that, grabbed a dozen donuts and a jug of coffee. We sat and talked for hours. I got to know C and that it wasn't that she didn't love J, she just felt different about him than her other 2 kids, considering the circumstances. I found out that C was angry that Grandma L let me meet J without her consent. I could then understand where she was coming from. C wanted to see our family, see our home, etc. She explained what she had hoped for if J was adopted. She wanted J to still see her, she wanted J to know her siblings....and lastly, she wanted J to call her mom. This was the least of my worries....we could work on that I figured. She wanted also to possibly have him overnight. I was weary of this, only because I had heard such terrible abuse stories from Grandma L. I didn't want to adopt this little boy and then have him return to an abusive situation, OBVIOUSLY.
As C went to leave, we exchanged #'s. About 45 minutes later, I texted her and thanked her for coming over. I said thank you for her time and when she was ready to talk, just let me know. I never got a response that night. I didn't expect one. I talked to Aunt M and she was honest and didn't know what C was thinking. Two days later, Aunt M was taking C to an appointment, and hoped by then maybe she would have some type of decision. The next day, C texted me back. She explained it was a difficult decision, but she would like to see how J reacted to our family and would like time to talk to us about things further. Again, I could understand because this is a lifelong decision she was going to make.
On Monday, Aunt M took C to her appointment. This appointment was for food stamps and cash assistance. She put J on her case - which is interesting to me since  he didn't live with her - but she wanted to get things reinstated. I don't need to go into detail over why she didn't have them, etc...but that is what her appointment was for.
I later talked to C and we made plans to meet up on Friday. I took off of work and told her i would pick her up. I believe it was Tuesday then that Aunt M stated she was taking her kids to the park.....I brought Noey there and J was there as well. We all played together and barely talked about this whole adoption "thing". I told her I would talk to her later. Later that evening we made plans to have dinner the next night. I planned on having J, her kids, and Aunt M over. I bought dinner, and they came over to play. J met Antoine for the first time and we all got along wonderfully. The funny thing is, earlier that day, Aunt M asked me to call Grandma L  - her phone wasn't working but she wanted to make sure that she could still pick up J to come to our house. Grandma L answered and said yes J is napping, he'll be up soon. ODD thing is, a few days later, Grandma L denied this. As Aunt M left from this meeting, she explained that Grandma L wanted J around us as much as possible so that he was not fearful of us should he come to live with us. I understood. We made plans to possibly meet at the park the following day. Later that night, Aunt M texted me that Grandma L didn't want this and it was too much for J to go out everyday.
Thursday, C texted me and was stressed out. She needed food for her kids. I asked what did she need. She needed to know if she had her food stamps back. I offered to call her card for her. I called a couple of times. I went to lay down, and soon after that I got a text from her that said something along the lines "You want to take me to court and get my kid? You people are f*cking crazy". I was confused, and she went on to say that Aunt M told her if she didn't let us adopt him, that WE would take her for custody. First off, we never said that, second of all, Grandma L had apparently been telling Aunt M this. THIS is where it really was apparent too many "cooks" were in the kitchen.
After C calmed down, we agreed to still spend Friday together. Antoine & I went there to pick up her and J, along with one of her other kids. They came over and spent close to 6 or 7 hours at our house. I bought tons of lunchmeat, rolls, water, chips, etc. The kids all played together and got along great. J connected with Antoine and literally threw himself on the floor crying when Antoine had to leave for a bit.
At this point, C still had no food stamps. She called and ended up crying. I felt terrible. She went into great detail about her family. It was clear to me that Grandma L was now not wanting this adoption to happen. When C went to leave, she said she was pretty sure what she wanted to do. She loved how J got along with our family. She just had to talk to her mom because she didn't want Grandma L to be mad.
I drove C home, after I sent home a bag FULL of groceries for her and her kids. It was the least I could do, and I didn't want to take her grocery shopping. I didn't want her to think I was bribing her. On the way home I stopped so she could get a phone card with $10 she had - don't even ask!
When we got home, J and her other child were asleep. I carried J in, and she carried her other child. In her kitchen sat her mother....or what I thought was her mother - Grandma L. She didn't even look in my direction. Didn't wave or say hi. I thought maybe it wasn't her because it was dark and i had my sunglasses on.
Either way, I didn't hear from C until the next day. Apparently Grandma L let C keep J for a few days. J had a terrible fever. I offered to take C and J to the hospital if needed. C had mentioned in previous visits that her stress level gets way too high around him and she cannot take it. I offered to even take J for a few hours so that she did not get stressed. She didn't take me up on it, and said he probably had an ear infection. I couldn't MAKE someone do something - nor could I make her take J to a dr. In our conversations previously, she had stated she speculated that an old BF had previously broken J's toes when he was 6 months old. These details are only bits and pieces of stories we were told...but I'm hoping people can understand why we came to our decision.
The following day I didn't hear from her ALL day. I became worried when she finally responded late in the afternoon that she had been busy all am. She said s he would respond when she had time. I never heard from her. The next day, I texted again. By this time, C was not talking to Aunt M. They stopped talking when the fight about custody and courts came up. I tried texting C again, and finally became so worried I called Grandma L. I hadn't talked to Grandma L since almost a week prior.
When I called Grandma L she answered and said "WHAT DO YOU WANT IM TRYING TO EAT LUNCH". I was blown away. I asked if C was ok cause I hadn't heard from her. She said "she's fine i heard from her this am". I said ok, do you know what she is thinking now in terms of all of this?!....She responded nasty "well she is going to try and take care of him and thats what everyone involved wants, and i'm picking him back up friday". I was shocked and said "oh ok I wish she would have told me, but i will back away now and if you guys need me, you have my #".
I texted C and explained I wish she had told me she wanted to take care of him, and i respect that and I talked to her mom and wish her best of luck and to take care. She finally responded. She said "I don't know what the hell my mom told you". We texted back and forth and she explained she still hadn't decided. She was hoping by Friday she would know. She proceeded to ask me to drive her to the grocery store because she was going to borrow food stamps from someone. I wanted C to know she could trust our family. I wanted her to know she could trust I would follow through with what I promise, so I agreed to take her.
An hour or so later she called. I answered and C said "I'm not trying to be rude but don't ever f*cking call my mom again shes a rude b*tch". She said apparently when I called, her mom (Grandma L) said "don't have jenn ever call my f*cking house again she's a trouble maker". C explained that Grandma L didn't want me to take her shopping. Grandma L now was saying that I was a bad person and how she wants to be on adoption paperwork so she has rights to J and visitation. I never once denied her being able to see him. I was blown away.
I explained to C, touch base with me the following day. I would take her, but did not want to cause drama if I did. Meanwhile, Aunt M had stepped out of it all and just stayed friendly with me. Her heart ached because of course she had loved J and taken him places with her kids. But, she ultimately just wanted best for J.
The next day I didn't hear from C. Around 1pm, I texted her and asked if I was still taking her for groceries. She responded she was stressed out and had a terrible morning and someone called child abuse on her. They were there and wanted to take her kids. In short, she needed to come up with beds, and a couch, and other things for her children in order to keep them when CPS showed up again in a week. THIS is the story I was given. I have no idea regarding details. At this point, I honestly didn't know what was truth or not.
She didn't answer about the groceries...and proceeded to tell me she was taking a nap. I left work not hearing from her. I called her, and got her voicemail. I was PISSED. I put myself out there, and she couldn't even answer the phone?!
I returned home and sent her a text basically saying we couldn't do this anymore and proceed with this. Basically wished her the best and stated that her mom should have been more in tune with what she was heading into (adoption) and if it was a game she shouldn't have started this whole process.
I took the next day off of work. I was stressed beyond belief and lived with a migraine for 3 weeks. I slept all am, took Noey to the park, and dairy queen. As I got home, C texted. She said she was stressed out and  turned her phone off the prior day. I explained if she thought it was me who called CPS she was mistaken. She called me, we talked and talked. She stated how Grandma L said I was a bad person. Grandma L said I was OBSESSED and just wanted 4 kids in a prior conversation. (I explained to C that in our first meeting Grandma asked me how many kids I wanted and I explained I was not obsessed - I just wanted to see J in a safe family and to reach his potential).
C went on to explain she wanted to get her home the way CPS wants it, and then get J back maybe for a few weeks again to see if he could adjust. In that instant I knew pursuing this adoption was DONE. I offered her to check Craigslist for a couch and crib.
The next day I texted her and said basically I needed to know if keeping J was her decision. We are planning a Disney trip for Noelani on her 3rd bday and would cancel due to adoption costs if necessary. She never answered.
Since then I have never been given an explanation of why this turned out the way it did. J desperately needs speech therapy. In my opinion he needs occupational therapy as well. He is TERRIFIED when you lift him high, so I suspect other issues are going on as well. Our decision as a family was going to be having Head Start come in to access him immediately. We also discussed if he had possibly been autistic could we accept that - this was a concern of C's - not ours. We decided we would do whatever it took to give this little boy  a FAMILY, a LIFE, a CHANCE. THIS is why we never backed down. I am sure that I have missed a ton in between but these are the major bullet points I can come up with at this time.
I spent NUMEROUS hours on the phone with lawyers and child & family services. BEGGING people to help us with the financials of this possible unexpected adoption. I spent HOURS talking to lawyers about what steps to take...every scenario was explored. Even up to the very last moment she said her kids could be taken, I called our lawyer frantic in how to prevent J from foster care. I offered this information to C but she ignored me.
NOW.....the hard part.
Am I mad at anyone? NO. Do you think I'm lying when I say that? I really am not! I really have love in my heart for every single person involved. I cannot hate anyone. Aunt M has the shit end of it really. There were alot of accusations going around, and now neither Grandma L nor do C talk to her anymore. I don't think Aunt M meant ANY harm to anyone. She wanted what I wanted for J. A home. A family. A chance.
We opened our home, our lives, our everything to C. She came to our home, we gave her food, a ride, offered respite, offered to run her around....clearly we had love for her since we offered to do these things.
As for Grandma L - I think she is torn. She wants this for J, she knows its right...but the reality became too much for her and too overwhelming.
So, what do I think of open adoption? I STILL think it's a wonderful thing. I would love to still have that with a family. But I believe it is a very hard thing to do, and it would be something that all parties agree to. Would I ever approach a "private" adoption again? Hmm, I would have to think about that one!! Without involving lawyers or social workers, this was hard. I had to be the "social worker" and the "lawyer". Yet, I had to be the friend as well. It was very hard. To hold that hope still that maybe I shouldn't have walked away, still kills me. It still hurts me.
I hope everyone involved finds peace. Mostly, I hope J finds love in a family. I hope and pray every single day that J can have a mommy and daddy - but I think the odds of this aren't high. I think he is getting too old now, and at almost 2 years old, he will have attachment disorder. He wont be able to bond to a new family. As I said, he needs extensive therapy and I ache and cry inside that his opportunity for this has passed. I PRAY that he gets this.
In a way, I think this is as hard as a failed placement in adoption. We got to know and love J and his family. We LOVED C, Aunt M and Grandma L. We wanted them to be our extended family. We visited with them, and especially to let your heart love a little child like that. It was hard to decide to walk away....but unless everyone is on the same page and wanting the same thing. It.WONT.work.
That is the best advice I can give in all of this. Make sure everyone is on the same page. I hope maybe this helps someone else. Know when to cut yourself off.
So THIS is where we have been. I made the choice not to blog while going through this. I kept it to a minimum because I really had no idea which way this would go. I felt I needed to now, because I had alot of emotions inside of me, and the few people who knew, wanted to know the whole story. There is more to this and alot of details I left out, but these were the ones I felt comfortable sharing.
C knows that if in the very near future she changes her mind, she has our #. Unfortunately, as I said, with J being his age, time is against us all in this. But, I cannot keep chasing C, nor her mom. If this is what they want for J, they will choose it.I know that C loves J, or she wouldn't have met with us and explained how she feels....but I fear she is scared of how she will be viewed by others. That is the very sad part of adoption. That women have to worry how others will view her. Adoption is about love. A woman would NOT choose adoption if it weren't for the AMAZING love she has for her child.

Back to your regularly scheduled program....

Yep, life's back to normal-ISH. I have decided tonight, we have invested way too much heartache time these past 3 weeks, on something that probably will never change.
I would LOVE to love someone new....I would LOVE to make a difference. But I cannot force someone to make a decision, or force them to decide on my terms, or in my time.
It's frustrating, MADDENING....heartbreaking. But I need to just get our lives back to normal for my daughters sake. Everything I do is FOR my daughter.
SO....if it happens, it happens. If not, I tried my best. It's sad....but I won't let it bring us down.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow I will know what lies ahead for our family. Tomorrow I will know if Noelani will begin rocking this title:

TOMORROW, I will be able to fill everyone in on what is happening :)
In time, it will all fall together. If it doesn't happen tomorrow, I will use the word EVENTUALLY. Whatever is meant to be is going to be, and I cannot change it. I can just try to stay c.a.l.m.

My current mood....

These pretty much sum up how I/we are feeling as a family lately:

Everything is good with us as a family :) Noelani has been hanging out with someone new.....I will explain very soon! My skills of patience have been tested to the fullest extent these past couple of weeks! Knowing you want something SO bad....and are SO close...but waiting for someone else to make this life altering decision for you - because it IS out of your control, is the hardest test I've ever dealt with!
Last night I ALMOST decided to throw in the towel....then I remembered a comment a dear friend of mine made on my previous post. What is meant to be will be.
Whenever that is - I will update everyone with what has been going on!!!!

Torn

I cannot post much on here or give out too many details. But, I am feeling very torn right now. I wish I knew what the right answer was! Go with my heart or mind? My mind is telling me one thing and heart another. This is in regards to another adoption and that is all I can really say at this moment. I will post more at a later date!
But for now, I know I've been missing on this blog - but I don't like to have to "censor" everything. I feel like if I blog, I am censoring a big chunk of our lives at this moment....
So I shall return and once I do, I can fill everyone in.

WAITING...

I really really stink at waiting. I hate EVERYTHING that there is about it. I am a very in control type of person. I want things MY way and want them like...yesterday.

Anyway, I found out some sad news today. The director that we worked with at my daughters adoption agency is no longer working there. I guess it's saddening to me, because I really am forever grateful to her. Grateful that she gave me a chance, read my email I sent with a hope and a prayer, and grateful that a week after I first emailed them, I was learning that my daughter would be coming home with us.

WELL....here goes waiting.....

Negativity is something I'm working on....

I mostly blog about my beautiful daughter here. But, since it's my blog, I figure I can use it to vent anything.
People may look at me and think, gee, she has a great life. A nice house, a daughter, husband, all that she wants. But let me tell you - it has NOT always been this way! I have worked my BUTT off to get where I am - I should say where WE are as a family.
When I first moved out at 21 yrs old, I had NOTHING but my clothes! In fact, Antoine & I had a futon in our living room, with a desk we found, and his full size bed we squeezed into for our bedroom. We had ONE small dresser, enough to hold his socks, and a bathroom set from Family Dollar. Our dishes were from a garage sale. Our kitchen table was one that the leg continuously came loose, and we had an area rug I got for $5 at another garage sale!
I remember being SO excited that we had enough money to purchase a new kitchen table from Kmart! We had it on layaway and finally had something "new"! Eventually I had enough money for a new desk from Walmart. We FINALLY got a couch from the side of the road...someone put it out for garbage with a "free" sign attached! A year or so later, Antoines family member had an old sectional couch and we took that. Our tv came from garbage picking as well....it was blurry but it was the best thing we could manage - and I bought a tv stand from walmart. We eventually had enough money for a microwave and some glasses and new silverware from Ikea.
Antoine didn't have a car, and I drove a beat up car that was $700 and worked daily on a prayer. BUT I tell you what....this was 9 years ago. I could go on and on about how we struggled. BUT it was my choice to move out and be "independent" so I sure as heck wasn't going to ask for help!
Eventually, we received a monetary gift of $400 and instead of spending it on something frivolous, we put it towards a bed....and when I say bed, I mean a mattress and box spring. When we finally got more money, from a tax return, we bought a couch and FINALLY bedroom furniture. We only got a new computer because the apartment above us sprung a leak and our computer got soaked. Our landlord reimbursed us so we put it towards a new desktop. Ashley (Antoines sister) began staying with us ALOT...and needed her own room. I got a toddler bed at a garage sale (see the theme?) and my aunt gave us a dresser for her. Eventually that toddler bed was turned into a twin bed when our neighbor upstairs moved back to her hometown and was going to throw it away.
I was finally able to land a GOOD job after college, and Antoine got a well paying job doing cable. We finally could afford a couch....and a washer and dryer that was not the "community" set in the apt basement.
Antoine sacrificed, and so did I. We took a handful of vacations and those were NOT grand by any means. For Antoines birthday/Christmas one year (he has 3 days between the two), I purchased him a fish tank. He had wanted one soooo bad. I saved that year to buy the tank and supplies. I had a friend make him the tank stand.
We saved money shopping at Save-A-Lot and Aldis for groceries. We only had a house phone (no fancy cells). Once we eventually had everything in place....we decided we would try to start a family. Once again, we were faced with struggles.
As many of you know, we were doing infertility treatments for a long time. That is a BIG stress on finances. eventually we turned to In Vitro, which our health insurance odes not cover (we are talking $10,000+) here. We opted to try, as we were getting 'older' and didn't want to ever think 'what if'....thank GOD it didn't work and I am the Momma to the best little girl now ;)
After that failed, we started looking into purchasing a home. As reality set in, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Would I EVER have that if I put all of our money towards adoption? It was at that moment we knew we needed at least $20k to set aside for that.
We put our dreams of home ownership to the side.
If you have a dream, the only way you can make it happen is put a plan in motion. Don't sit around and bitch about how your life sucks. MAKE IT DIFFERENT.
We saved every penny, borrowed, and busted our ASSES. Three months after we contacted a lawyer about the possibility of adoption, our daughter was HOME. In the adoption world, that is almost unheard of.
7 months after she came home, I was working part time, and our landlord advised us we had a month to move. He sold our house!!!!!!!!! I cried...I was so mad. How could he ruin our lives that we built for the past 6.5 years in this apt. It still hurts me to this day. BUT I knew what I had to do. I would not allow my life to rewind.
I took money from my 401k to afford our move to a new apartment, and within a month we were gone. I returned back to work full time a month later. I would let NOBODY make me struggle the way I once did. I wanted my daughter to have a great childhood. YES, time with my daughter is important. BUT, my daughter NEVER leaves my sight when I am home. I actually would beg to differ with some SAHM's...I tend to think sometimes I spend more one on one time with my daughter than they do! I never "Take a break" from parenting. I work 37 hrs a week, and in fact, my daughter never went to daycare full time until this Jan. Starting this week, she will be back at daycare 3 days a week again. Antoine is starting a new job and it offers her to spend more time during the week at home.
I REFUSE to struggle how we once did. I VOW to give her a better life....and yes do I wish I could be home with her a few more days a week? OF COURSE. But my daughter is probably the HAPPIEST 2 year old you will ever meet.
It is tiring - I will not lie. When I work a 7-7.5 hour day, come home and MAKE dinner, do my dishes, laundry, cleaning, entertaining (For my 2 year old) - I cannot wait until bedtime. BUT....18 years will go fast, and my life won't always be this tiring once she is an adult! While SAHM's are tired from the errands, etc...I have that job COMPILED with working a full work week. DOUBLE your job...and that is my life. 2 full time jobs. Don't think cause I'm at work, that I didn't get up an hour early to make my daughter breakfast, do her hair, clothe her, rush out the door, take her to daycare, pry her off of me if she is still tired or crabby that morning. I worry all day - not because I don't trust her teachers, but because i'm her MOM. I text my friend all day long that watches her. I have the luckiest situation in the world. A friend I've known since I was 9 has an in home daycare Noey attends. THEY are like Noelani's family to her, and that gives me comfort.When I come to get her, sometimes she is misreable from just waking up from a nap. Sometimes she doesn't want to leave and wants to keep playing and I have interupted that!!!! Then we have to do whatever errands SAHM's accomplish during the day, and then we get home to do dinner, toys, baths, hair, picking out clothes, etc...the list goes on!!
On another note....I cherish friendships. I have a handful of friends. AND I will keep it that way. My FRIENDS stood by me through infertility.....through my struggles....they are always HAPPY for me. And most of all, they care that I am always open and honest with them on my opinions. I no longer have time to make others happy (besides my own family).
I have "Been there and done that" - I have STRUGGLED....BUT we learned to make our lives better. I don't want people who drag me down, or think that my opinions are worthless. To you SAHM's who bust your asses everyday -PROPS to you!! I know some GOOD...no, GREAT SAHM's who constantly do stuff with their kids, keep the house clean, AND never bitch about it! My hat is off to you too. BUT....this is my life....this is what I choose....and YES i'm tired.....but I always keep my friends in mind too. I have one friend out of state that understands I may not be able to call her EVERYDAY....but I almost always make time for her...and I value each and every opinion. I may not agree....but I value it and will talk about it with her.
YES - I am feeling crabby!