Negativity is something I'm working on....

I mostly blog about my beautiful daughter here. But, since it's my blog, I figure I can use it to vent anything.
People may look at me and think, gee, she has a great life. A nice house, a daughter, husband, all that she wants. But let me tell you - it has NOT always been this way! I have worked my BUTT off to get where I am - I should say where WE are as a family.
When I first moved out at 21 yrs old, I had NOTHING but my clothes! In fact, Antoine & I had a futon in our living room, with a desk we found, and his full size bed we squeezed into for our bedroom. We had ONE small dresser, enough to hold his socks, and a bathroom set from Family Dollar. Our dishes were from a garage sale. Our kitchen table was one that the leg continuously came loose, and we had an area rug I got for $5 at another garage sale!
I remember being SO excited that we had enough money to purchase a new kitchen table from Kmart! We had it on layaway and finally had something "new"! Eventually I had enough money for a new desk from Walmart. We FINALLY got a couch from the side of the road...someone put it out for garbage with a "free" sign attached! A year or so later, Antoines family member had an old sectional couch and we took that. Our tv came from garbage picking as well....it was blurry but it was the best thing we could manage - and I bought a tv stand from walmart. We eventually had enough money for a microwave and some glasses and new silverware from Ikea.
Antoine didn't have a car, and I drove a beat up car that was $700 and worked daily on a prayer. BUT I tell you what....this was 9 years ago. I could go on and on about how we struggled. BUT it was my choice to move out and be "independent" so I sure as heck wasn't going to ask for help!
Eventually, we received a monetary gift of $400 and instead of spending it on something frivolous, we put it towards a bed....and when I say bed, I mean a mattress and box spring. When we finally got more money, from a tax return, we bought a couch and FINALLY bedroom furniture. We only got a new computer because the apartment above us sprung a leak and our computer got soaked. Our landlord reimbursed us so we put it towards a new desktop. Ashley (Antoines sister) began staying with us ALOT...and needed her own room. I got a toddler bed at a garage sale (see the theme?) and my aunt gave us a dresser for her. Eventually that toddler bed was turned into a twin bed when our neighbor upstairs moved back to her hometown and was going to throw it away.
I was finally able to land a GOOD job after college, and Antoine got a well paying job doing cable. We finally could afford a couch....and a washer and dryer that was not the "community" set in the apt basement.
Antoine sacrificed, and so did I. We took a handful of vacations and those were NOT grand by any means. For Antoines birthday/Christmas one year (he has 3 days between the two), I purchased him a fish tank. He had wanted one soooo bad. I saved that year to buy the tank and supplies. I had a friend make him the tank stand.
We saved money shopping at Save-A-Lot and Aldis for groceries. We only had a house phone (no fancy cells). Once we eventually had everything in place....we decided we would try to start a family. Once again, we were faced with struggles.
As many of you know, we were doing infertility treatments for a long time. That is a BIG stress on finances. eventually we turned to In Vitro, which our health insurance odes not cover (we are talking $10,000+) here. We opted to try, as we were getting 'older' and didn't want to ever think 'what if'....thank GOD it didn't work and I am the Momma to the best little girl now ;)
After that failed, we started looking into purchasing a home. As reality set in, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Would I EVER have that if I put all of our money towards adoption? It was at that moment we knew we needed at least $20k to set aside for that.
We put our dreams of home ownership to the side.
If you have a dream, the only way you can make it happen is put a plan in motion. Don't sit around and bitch about how your life sucks. MAKE IT DIFFERENT.
We saved every penny, borrowed, and busted our ASSES. Three months after we contacted a lawyer about the possibility of adoption, our daughter was HOME. In the adoption world, that is almost unheard of.
7 months after she came home, I was working part time, and our landlord advised us we had a month to move. He sold our house!!!!!!!!! I cried...I was so mad. How could he ruin our lives that we built for the past 6.5 years in this apt. It still hurts me to this day. BUT I knew what I had to do. I would not allow my life to rewind.
I took money from my 401k to afford our move to a new apartment, and within a month we were gone. I returned back to work full time a month later. I would let NOBODY make me struggle the way I once did. I wanted my daughter to have a great childhood. YES, time with my daughter is important. BUT, my daughter NEVER leaves my sight when I am home. I actually would beg to differ with some SAHM's...I tend to think sometimes I spend more one on one time with my daughter than they do! I never "Take a break" from parenting. I work 37 hrs a week, and in fact, my daughter never went to daycare full time until this Jan. Starting this week, she will be back at daycare 3 days a week again. Antoine is starting a new job and it offers her to spend more time during the week at home.
I REFUSE to struggle how we once did. I VOW to give her a better life....and yes do I wish I could be home with her a few more days a week? OF COURSE. But my daughter is probably the HAPPIEST 2 year old you will ever meet.
It is tiring - I will not lie. When I work a 7-7.5 hour day, come home and MAKE dinner, do my dishes, laundry, cleaning, entertaining (For my 2 year old) - I cannot wait until bedtime. BUT....18 years will go fast, and my life won't always be this tiring once she is an adult! While SAHM's are tired from the errands, etc...I have that job COMPILED with working a full work week. DOUBLE your job...and that is my life. 2 full time jobs. Don't think cause I'm at work, that I didn't get up an hour early to make my daughter breakfast, do her hair, clothe her, rush out the door, take her to daycare, pry her off of me if she is still tired or crabby that morning. I worry all day - not because I don't trust her teachers, but because i'm her MOM. I text my friend all day long that watches her. I have the luckiest situation in the world. A friend I've known since I was 9 has an in home daycare Noey attends. THEY are like Noelani's family to her, and that gives me comfort.When I come to get her, sometimes she is misreable from just waking up from a nap. Sometimes she doesn't want to leave and wants to keep playing and I have interupted that!!!! Then we have to do whatever errands SAHM's accomplish during the day, and then we get home to do dinner, toys, baths, hair, picking out clothes, etc...the list goes on!!
On another note....I cherish friendships. I have a handful of friends. AND I will keep it that way. My FRIENDS stood by me through infertility.....through my struggles....they are always HAPPY for me. And most of all, they care that I am always open and honest with them on my opinions. I no longer have time to make others happy (besides my own family).
I have "Been there and done that" - I have STRUGGLED....BUT we learned to make our lives better. I don't want people who drag me down, or think that my opinions are worthless. To you SAHM's who bust your asses everyday -PROPS to you!! I know some GOOD...no, GREAT SAHM's who constantly do stuff with their kids, keep the house clean, AND never bitch about it! My hat is off to you too. BUT....this is my life....this is what I choose....and YES i'm tired.....but I always keep my friends in mind too. I have one friend out of state that understands I may not be able to call her EVERYDAY....but I almost always make time for her...and I value each and every opinion. I may not agree....but I value it and will talk about it with her.
YES - I am feeling crabby!