Negativity is something I'm working on....

I mostly blog about my beautiful daughter here. But, since it's my blog, I figure I can use it to vent anything.
People may look at me and think, gee, she has a great life. A nice house, a daughter, husband, all that she wants. But let me tell you - it has NOT always been this way! I have worked my BUTT off to get where I am - I should say where WE are as a family.
When I first moved out at 21 yrs old, I had NOTHING but my clothes! In fact, Antoine & I had a futon in our living room, with a desk we found, and his full size bed we squeezed into for our bedroom. We had ONE small dresser, enough to hold his socks, and a bathroom set from Family Dollar. Our dishes were from a garage sale. Our kitchen table was one that the leg continuously came loose, and we had an area rug I got for $5 at another garage sale!
I remember being SO excited that we had enough money to purchase a new kitchen table from Kmart! We had it on layaway and finally had something "new"! Eventually I had enough money for a new desk from Walmart. We FINALLY got a couch from the side of the road...someone put it out for garbage with a "free" sign attached! A year or so later, Antoines family member had an old sectional couch and we took that. Our tv came from garbage picking as well....it was blurry but it was the best thing we could manage - and I bought a tv stand from walmart. We eventually had enough money for a microwave and some glasses and new silverware from Ikea.
Antoine didn't have a car, and I drove a beat up car that was $700 and worked daily on a prayer. BUT I tell you what....this was 9 years ago. I could go on and on about how we struggled. BUT it was my choice to move out and be "independent" so I sure as heck wasn't going to ask for help!
Eventually, we received a monetary gift of $400 and instead of spending it on something frivolous, we put it towards a bed....and when I say bed, I mean a mattress and box spring. When we finally got more money, from a tax return, we bought a couch and FINALLY bedroom furniture. We only got a new computer because the apartment above us sprung a leak and our computer got soaked. Our landlord reimbursed us so we put it towards a new desktop. Ashley (Antoines sister) began staying with us ALOT...and needed her own room. I got a toddler bed at a garage sale (see the theme?) and my aunt gave us a dresser for her. Eventually that toddler bed was turned into a twin bed when our neighbor upstairs moved back to her hometown and was going to throw it away.
I was finally able to land a GOOD job after college, and Antoine got a well paying job doing cable. We finally could afford a couch....and a washer and dryer that was not the "community" set in the apt basement.
Antoine sacrificed, and so did I. We took a handful of vacations and those were NOT grand by any means. For Antoines birthday/Christmas one year (he has 3 days between the two), I purchased him a fish tank. He had wanted one soooo bad. I saved that year to buy the tank and supplies. I had a friend make him the tank stand.
We saved money shopping at Save-A-Lot and Aldis for groceries. We only had a house phone (no fancy cells). Once we eventually had everything in place....we decided we would try to start a family. Once again, we were faced with struggles.
As many of you know, we were doing infertility treatments for a long time. That is a BIG stress on finances. eventually we turned to In Vitro, which our health insurance odes not cover (we are talking $10,000+) here. We opted to try, as we were getting 'older' and didn't want to ever think 'what if'....thank GOD it didn't work and I am the Momma to the best little girl now ;)
After that failed, we started looking into purchasing a home. As reality set in, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Would I EVER have that if I put all of our money towards adoption? It was at that moment we knew we needed at least $20k to set aside for that.
We put our dreams of home ownership to the side.
If you have a dream, the only way you can make it happen is put a plan in motion. Don't sit around and bitch about how your life sucks. MAKE IT DIFFERENT.
We saved every penny, borrowed, and busted our ASSES. Three months after we contacted a lawyer about the possibility of adoption, our daughter was HOME. In the adoption world, that is almost unheard of.
7 months after she came home, I was working part time, and our landlord advised us we had a month to move. He sold our house!!!!!!!!! I cried...I was so mad. How could he ruin our lives that we built for the past 6.5 years in this apt. It still hurts me to this day. BUT I knew what I had to do. I would not allow my life to rewind.
I took money from my 401k to afford our move to a new apartment, and within a month we were gone. I returned back to work full time a month later. I would let NOBODY make me struggle the way I once did. I wanted my daughter to have a great childhood. YES, time with my daughter is important. BUT, my daughter NEVER leaves my sight when I am home. I actually would beg to differ with some SAHM's...I tend to think sometimes I spend more one on one time with my daughter than they do! I never "Take a break" from parenting. I work 37 hrs a week, and in fact, my daughter never went to daycare full time until this Jan. Starting this week, she will be back at daycare 3 days a week again. Antoine is starting a new job and it offers her to spend more time during the week at home.
I REFUSE to struggle how we once did. I VOW to give her a better life....and yes do I wish I could be home with her a few more days a week? OF COURSE. But my daughter is probably the HAPPIEST 2 year old you will ever meet.
It is tiring - I will not lie. When I work a 7-7.5 hour day, come home and MAKE dinner, do my dishes, laundry, cleaning, entertaining (For my 2 year old) - I cannot wait until bedtime. BUT....18 years will go fast, and my life won't always be this tiring once she is an adult! While SAHM's are tired from the errands, etc...I have that job COMPILED with working a full work week. DOUBLE your job...and that is my life. 2 full time jobs. Don't think cause I'm at work, that I didn't get up an hour early to make my daughter breakfast, do her hair, clothe her, rush out the door, take her to daycare, pry her off of me if she is still tired or crabby that morning. I worry all day - not because I don't trust her teachers, but because i'm her MOM. I text my friend all day long that watches her. I have the luckiest situation in the world. A friend I've known since I was 9 has an in home daycare Noey attends. THEY are like Noelani's family to her, and that gives me comfort.When I come to get her, sometimes she is misreable from just waking up from a nap. Sometimes she doesn't want to leave and wants to keep playing and I have interupted that!!!! Then we have to do whatever errands SAHM's accomplish during the day, and then we get home to do dinner, toys, baths, hair, picking out clothes, etc...the list goes on!!
On another note....I cherish friendships. I have a handful of friends. AND I will keep it that way. My FRIENDS stood by me through infertility.....through my struggles....they are always HAPPY for me. And most of all, they care that I am always open and honest with them on my opinions. I no longer have time to make others happy (besides my own family).
I have "Been there and done that" - I have STRUGGLED....BUT we learned to make our lives better. I don't want people who drag me down, or think that my opinions are worthless. To you SAHM's who bust your asses everyday -PROPS to you!! I know some GOOD...no, GREAT SAHM's who constantly do stuff with their kids, keep the house clean, AND never bitch about it! My hat is off to you too. BUT....this is my life....this is what I choose....and YES i'm tired.....but I always keep my friends in mind too. I have one friend out of state that understands I may not be able to call her EVERYDAY....but I almost always make time for her...and I value each and every opinion. I may not agree....but I value it and will talk about it with her.
YES - I am feeling crabby!

A Years Time....

I can't even believe what a years time has done! This EXACT time last year, I was leaving Noelani with my mom almost every single day after work, running from apartment to apartment, finding us a new place to live. Antoine & I lived in the same apartment for 6-7 yrs and suddenly, at the beginning of November last year, we were told our house was sold. We had a MONTH to find some place to live. Nice huh? Gee thanks landlord for giving us a month to find someplace, at the beginning of the winter and holiday season.

We found a great place....well we thought so. But, we knew it would be temporary because it is only 2 bedrooms, and we wanted to get a house. Not to mention there are like 30 stairs to get up to our apartment, and that really sucks when you have a dog and a toddler AND groceries to get in the house!

SO....needless to say.....we got a house!!!!!!

HERE IT IS.....I will put tiny captions under each:

The front - quite obviously

Part of the patio - continued below

And another shot of the yard...we also have a garage, not sure if you can tell in these pics

Our bedroom

This will be Noelanis room

Third bedroom but we will be using it as an office for now

To the right of the fridge are our laundry hookups

Dining room

Bathroom - Wish you could see the sink - I swear it is what sold me this house LOL!! The whole floor/walls/tub are ceramic

Living Room

 Family Room addition - I think this is what sold Antoine!

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And another shot of the family room

Ok this was probably a REALLY boring post....but I wanted to share :) 

We are set to move 2 days after Noey turns 2. That is a "tentative" closing date. So, now I am stressing over where to have her birthday party!!! ALSO, this is on the opposite side of the town from where she takes gymnastics, so I will now be enrolling her in dance. This Saturday she takes a trial class by our new house. If she does well, we will pick this up and take the longer trip the next few weeks so she is all set once we move.

PHEW....I hope it all goes smooth from here!

I am exhausted, and I cannot even think of moving right now! 

SUCH an exhausting couple of weeks ahead for us!

THIS is how I will feel by the time Thanksgiving comes! Being a full time working mom HAS to be the most exhausting job in the world. I never stop moving from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I am lucky to get 6.5 hours of sleep a night. This is even on work days. Usually we get up by 5:30 am, daycare by 6:45am, I'm at work 7-3, then picking her up. Then after getting her, we do any errands we need, and/or go play at a playground if its nice, or whatever else our day needs. Then I run home to make dinner, after dinner then it's bath time. Then the dishes need to be done, vacuuming, laundry, picking up the mornings mess - you name it (all the things a stay at home mommy would do). Alot of the times, these "chores" hold off though. Normally after bath time, AND in between cooking dinner, Noey and I cuddle and play and read books, etc. After bath, I try to squeeze in time for the treadmill while she watches Blues Clues. Then we play some more/snuggle until it's bedtime. This will occur for her, anytime between 7:30 - 9pm, depending on how well she napped - so it's very unpredictable. Those chores I named, WELL those then come next. Once I'm FINALLY done, I try to get a shower by 10pm, and then lay down by 10:30. I try to squeeze in some TV and then hope to sleep between 11 to 12pm to get up at 5:30am and start it allllll over again.

I am lucky that I work until 3 most days (when I'm not running late to work by 15 min which happens 3 out of 5 days!).....

That way, I am able to spend a good 5.5 hours with my daughter each night. Not alot of working moms get that much time with their babies. Alot of moms feel like they are at daycare more than home. Considering my daughter naps 2-3 hours a day, she is technically at daycare awake for 5 hours. So her weekdays are really split. The weekends she NEVER leaves my sight. Her grandmas fight to watch her....and are never successful lol I am a time hog! BUT, at least I can say I raised my daughter and she had enough bonding time with me. I still feel guilty, but it is what it is and I have to work for now. My job provides basically free health insurance and a 401k match that is out of this world, AND a pension. So, I have taken into consideration, there are more benefits to my family by continuing to work.

BUT, take my next few weekends for example, AND, you would probably want to curl up into a ball:

Sat 10/22 - Gymnastics 9-945am, then Antoines little sis has her bday

Sun 10/23 - Antoines best friends daughter is turning 2, so we have a bday @ 1, and Antoines taking pics for it

Sat 10/29 - Gymnastics 9-945am, then my friends son is most likely having his bday party

Sun 10/30 - *I cannot remember at this exact moment but I know it's something*

Sat 11/5 - Gymnastics 9-945am, then my other friends son is having a bday party

Sun 11/6 - I have a baby shower to attend

SO, there goes my next three weekends. In between all of this, we have a daycare Halloween party on 10/28 that I need to make some sort of snack for (what kind of mom would I be if I didn't?!). Then we have Halloween on the 31st (thank GOD I took this day off).

I seriously need a personal assistant! I'm sure my next set of weekends after that will get booked. SIDE NOTE: Shortly after this original blog, I found out a friend of mine is coming in town the weekend before Thanksgiving. SO I guess I was right, my November will fill fast too! BUT, at least when she comes, I get to relive my high school days and go see the premiere of the new Twilight movie LOL!

Not to mention, my mom won't be doing Thanksgiving this year, I'm SURE because of her surgery, so I will be helping my sister with that (Hey Amanda - here's your notification, Thanksgiving will be at your place since there's no stairs for mom ;)).

Then there is planning for Noelani's 2nd birthday - I have her cake booked so far and that's about it. I also need to seriously think of Christmas shopping too. I have a feeling online shopping will be in my forecast.

PHEW! So if you ever think you are tired....live my world for a month. YAWN. I even know some moms who work part time who think they are tired - DOUBLE that work and welcome to my world.

I think I need a nap now.....oh wait, I'm sure there's SOMETHING that needs to be done!