So now what....

So where do we go from here? I was very heartbroken and sad writing my last 2 posts. I still am. That feeling hasn't gone away. I'm not entirely sure if I was fair in saying that their birth mom doesn't care. That's probably very harsh. If she didn't care, she wouldn't have given birth to them. So I think I was really coming from a place of anger in that post.
I am still heartbroken though. I KNOW, there are lots of people going through way worse things that myself, or our family right now. But, it just hurts so damn bad.
The truth is, that no matter what I find out good or bad, I love my girls more than life itself. If I had the capability to have 8 kids I would. I still want to adopt more children in the future and this experience will not stop me or make me see adoption from a bad light.
Adoption is beautiful. It made me a mother. Regardless of the lies their birthmom gave the agency, I still love these girls the same, if not even more. I've talked to a few people about it all and they assure me that the girls will not resent me for everything that happened. That they won't hate me for "taking them away" from their siblings. I can't predict the future.
BUT LET ME SAY:
Adoption is not for the faint of heart!!!!!!!!!!
For 6 years, our family pictured one person and fed this image and idea of this person to our daughters. But, in 6 years, this person has not changed her situation. She still hasn't made an attempt to better her life. No house, stable job, and just not doing the best for her children in my opinion. My youngest has been diagnosed with SPD, OCD, Anxiety, and possibly ADHD. Is this a result of no prenatal care? Drug use? Or is it just something that happened for no reason? I will never know. Their birth mother received no prenatal care because she "didn't want to be bothered with doctors". We knew this when we adopted our daughters. But, we were also told there was no drug use involved. She had admitted to 1 or 2 glasses of wine and cigarettes while pregnant. After discovering her lifestyle on facebook and conversations, I'm not going to lie - I'm not sure I believe that we got the entire story.
When I spoke with her on the phone, she wanted me to add her on facebook because "i'm her family now". She insisted I took her phone number to stay in contact. She expressed how badly her family and kids supposedly wanted to meet my girls, but where is she now? I have a feeling this untruthfulness is a trend with her. She lied about my oldests birthfather on the paperwork. She told me this on the phone and gave me only a first name of her real bio father. Someday when my daughter might want to seek him out, she won't be able to even find him through paperwork. My youngest daughter, she never name a birthfather. But, she was able to provide me a picture of him in the one text she sent me before disappearing. And let me tell you, based on photos, she knows exactly who each of the girls birthfathers are because they look JUST LIKE THEM. I have mixed feelings about the pictures. My girls will see who they will look like, but it's not fair to have that and no names in my opinion. It almost seems cruel.
As a family all we can do is move past this somehow. It is going to take time. I hope that it helps since the weather is nicer now, we can get outside and get our minds off of alot of this.
Hopefully we will be given the opportunity to adopt again in the future. That's the hope I've been holding onto for my girls and their broken hearts. They were so so excited to have another baby around.
I still think the ideal situation for any adoption would be an open adoption. No where in between in my opinion. In a semi open adoption, you send pictures and letters, with the hope that a birthmother will someday respond, you include phone numbers and wait. In a closed adoption, you either send and do nothing, or share pictures with the agency. While this isn't ideal, I think you enter an adoption knowing what to expect. You know the birthparents won't want to respond, and thats ok too. I wish for open adoption because the birthparents will be able to watch the children they gave birth to grow up. It can be as simple as letters and emails back and forth....or as deep as skype, visits, phone calls, etc. In my opinion I think this would give a child the greatest sense of closure. They will grow up knowing this person who is biologically related to them. No wonder, but knowing they were given a chance at a family with 2 parents and a loving home.

Needing a break now

When I hung up, it was around 10am. I waited until 3:30pm and still never heard from her. She INSISTED I took her cell phone number before hanging up. So I thought MAYBE she was shy to send me photos, or wasn't sure if my motive was really truly to just have a relationship with her. So, I decided to send her a picture of each girl. I wasn't sure when the last time was that she saw them, so I figured it would open things up. She responded to tell me how pretty my oldest was.

I didn't hear from her again the rest of the day. However, I knew she had said on the phone she might be bringing the baby home that day. So, when I woke up the next am, I woke up to about 10 or so photos she sent me. I now have photos of both girls birthfathers, all of their sisters, some grandparents and also their birthmother. She also said something to the effect of she hoped she didn't disturb my sleep because she sent them at 4am, but the baby had her up from 1-4am so she had time to send them. I immediately responded about how much the girls looked like certain people, and that I was so happy we could have a relationship. I also texted her how much I loved her and thanked her for allowing me to be a mom. I also sent some more pictures back.

She responded finally around 5:30pm that she had just gotten up for the day and was having migraines since the baby was born. She stated she got the photos and would text me later because she was getting dinner for the other kids. I explained no problem, I understood and let me know when things calm down for her. Her father had passed away, in another state, but I still figured emotionally it was alot. 

The next day I texted her a picture of Noelani as a baby. It was a picture that had a striking resemblance of her baby she sent me the day before. I also sent a few more of the girls and said along with them, she didn't have to respond but I figured the pictures might make her smile. No response. Almost every single day since then, until that Friday, I tried to text her. I had so much to say. I tried to ask for an email, since she has no mailing address. No response. I also asked her if she was ok. In fact a few times I asked if she was alright and that I was worried I hadn't heard from her. Nothing. As the days went on, I messaged her a long letter on facebook. I texted her that I had written her because I no longer wanted to bother her on her phone. No response.

Here we are, 11 days later. Still nothing. I don't know if she wants pictures, if she even cares. I feel heartbroken. For my girls. For 6 years I pictured a loving and selfless person for them. After looking on facebook, it is clearly the opposite. 

There are many things I have since discovered that I am really really really hurt and sad for my girls. The lies, illegal behavior, the missing sister they have never met who is a minor, the fact that their brother could be here with us but is now in a motel somewhere. It hurts. I am mostly hurt that looking back, you would think she would have SO many questions about the people they have become. She didn't have a single one. What will my girls think when they are older? How can someone basically promise this relationship on the phone, and send me JUST enough information for the girls, and then disappear??? I still have so many missing pieces of the girls story that will haunt me until the day they know the truth. I don't even know what the truth IS anymore to be honest. I have never ever felt so hurt for my kids before. I feel like a failure that I couldn't make this work out for them. All I can do is cry for them. Someday, they may want to find her and I have NOTHING. I have no address, no email, and a cell phone that will most likely not even be in service when that time comes. How will I EVER explain this to them.

HOW will I ever explain that they are 2 of 7 she didn't keep?? How do I explain if they feel like it's unfair that she kept their brother JUST because her dad died? I cannot think of logical answers to any of it. In fact I can barely get through my day without tears and without it popping into my head 100x. I cannot focus on anything. None of it makes any sense to me. 

Noelani has asked me a few times how can J (her birthmom) keep her baby brother if she has no house?? I have tried my best to explain that things are different now. The truth is, they are not different. The story we were given was that she was homeless at the time of Noelani's birth. That is part of her story I have always told her. It is untrue. I feel like the world's biggest liar trying to say that things have changed for J, that's why she decided to keep him.

Yes, both girls knew about the baby. Both girls adoptions went so smoothly, WHY would we have thought it wouldn't happen?? The girls have been begging for a baby brother for MONTHS now, so when I got the call, they figured it out pretty quickly. 

Part of my conversations with Noelani lately have been about the possibility that someday, J may not meet up with her and Kai. At 6 years old, her only response has been "well, then she can do whatever she wants, I don't care". Those words will more than likely have an entirely different meaning though when she is 16. They will turn into anger and confusion when she understands more.

I wish things could be different, but they are what they are. Life goes on, and my girls have one another. My hope for the future is that my girls will realize they have each other. I hope for them, that is enough. I hope they are happy and feel fulfilled in their lives so they don't even want or need to go out looking for her. Right now, they don't know that they are among other siblings. Noelani is 1 of 10 and Kai is 1 of 8. I hope knowing that someday doesn't make them feel that they missed out. If anything, I can just hope that it will make them feel that much closer.

A great friend recently told me that the baby "won't have the life you would have given him, but he still will have a life." It will be MUCH different than the life we could share with him. That eats away at me every single day. It's almost all I can think of. I failed at helping my girls little brother. I failed even more by establishing a relationship with their birthmother.

BUT, then I think.....maybe she doesn't care. It sounds heartless, but she had admitted to not living in her apartment for 2 years. She NEVER contacted the agency to update her address. NEVER. Maybe she thinks she did her job. She thinks she satisfied her "role" because she sent me a few pictures and now the girls can know who they look like. I will never know. That kills me inside.

For now, I tell the girls someday they will have another brother or sister, just not right now. We will see what the future holds.


If anyone is going through something similar and would like to talk, please feel free to comment or email me jviverette@live.com

An update of how we are doing now

What do you do when your girls birthmother has another baby??

I am not sure how to begin this post. Truthfully, I don't know if I will ever get past the emotions I have right now. Only the future will let me be able to do so. When you suffer from infertility, all you can think of is "why can this person have children when they don't deserve to, and I cant?" I thought that MANY times while struggling. All I would think about is how I would do things differently. If only I could have ONE chance to be a mommy, I would never take a single moment for granted. I try to think that I don't take most of it for granted. Am I miserable and tired some days? YES. But, I'm busy being mommy, and fighting chronic illnesses as well (2 of them).
When we adopted Noelani, we agreed with the agency that we would send letters and pictures to her birthmother 1-2x a year. We also agreed to have her call us before and/or after placement. We NEVER heard from her. I would write her 2x a year, and I would send gifts for Christmas, and also send Christmas and Easter cards. Every time I would write a letter, I would include our address, complete spelling of our names, my email, both of our phone numbers, and my facebook name. In EVERY letter, I begged her to answer us, and invited her to be a part of our lives. I wanted to give her a chance to experience an open adoption with our daughter. Not only did I think it would be wonderful for Noelani, I thought it would be great for her birthmother. As time went on, I met a few birthmothers who explained that contact sometimes was just too hard. I accepted it and moved on.
2.5 years later, Kailani was born. Same birthmother. The agency we used, called me on my cell phone to ask if we would also adopt her. OF COURSE. We once again invited their birthmother to be a part of their lives. I asked the agency to invite her to the placement. She didn't come. She never called either. I continued to send pictures and letters. Same information, no response. SOMEDAY I had hoped she would answer.
Noelani began going through some medical issues that I needed answers for. My letters went unanswered, and reaching out to the agency seemed useless. They tried both numbers they had for her, and 1 was disconnected, the other went to voicemail. There was nothing I could do. For the sake of Noelani, we, as her parents had to make some tough decisions and submit her to some testing that wouldn't have been needed if we had answers.
We never knew either of the girls birthfathers. There was a name for Noelani's, but no address, and with Kailani, one was never named. We were given small details of height/weight and occupation for both but that was it.
On April 1, 2016 I looked at my phone and the agency had called. I missed the call. The voicemail stated that they had been in contact with their birthmom and had some more information for me since I had questions in the past. I found it weird, but I thought MAYBE she had gotten the letters and finally decided to call with medical info. It had been 3.5 years since Kailani was born. When I called back, the conversation was not what I expected. She now had ANOTHER baby, and was reaching out to the agency to see if we were willing to adopt a 3rd baby from her. Right away we said yes. There really isn't a question when it comes to these sort of things. They are siblings, so it didn't matter. All I asked was if it was a boy or girl. Boy. I didn't ask if he was healthy, how big he was, etc. It really didn't matter. This was their brother and that's all we had to know. You see, we had this conversation before (my husband and I), that if their birthmother had another baby, there would be no question in the matter. We would do what was right. This was her 7th baby. SEVENTH. The agency informed us she is now living in a motel with her 4 she parents. She had told the agency the baby would not be placed with anyone else if we did not agree to adopting him. By the end of the phone call, we were told we needed to immediately expedite a home study. This was at 5pm on a friday night.
I immediately got off the phone, and called our adoption attorney we had used in the past. She stated that had their birthmother contacted me directly, she could have gotten everything pushed through court within a week. The baby was due to be discharged on Monday, and she urged me to do everything within my power to contact their birthmother directly. If I could, we could be there upon his discharge and bring him home. If we used the agency, not only would they want $10,000 or more for placement, they would keep him in interim care for a month or more til all of the paperwork is done.
The only thing I could think to do is start calling every hospital I could think of in the area which she lived. I would ask for her by name in the L&D floor. I spent ALL night calling every hospital I could think of. NONE of them had a patient by that name. Then, finally, the day after something dawned on me. There was one hospital I had called that rang and rang and rang. I decided to call it back at 7am and ask for her. The janitor answered. Somehow the number I had wasn't for the admission desk. He transferred me and low and behold, SHE WAS THERE. I got her room number, direct phone number and they stated they would transfer me but it was early the phones may not be on.
I called back around 9am. I was transferred to L&D and a nurse stated she was there, and wanted to know who I was. I explained I was the adoptive mother of her 2 children and that if she didn't want to talk to me it was ok. She put me on hold and......
SHE ANSWERED. I asked her if it was ok that I was calling and if it wasn't, she could hang up at any time. She stated she wanted to speak with me. I explained the process above and that we could be there the next day (it was Sunday). She stopped me and said, well, that's kind of changed. My dad died yesterday. Out of 7 children, this was her first boy. She stated that she felt like God gave her this baby because He knew her father would die. I didn't know what to say. What could I say?? I tried to tell her how sorry I was and she began to cry that she loved me and had always gotten my pictures and letters but couldn't figure out a way to write her feelings on paper back to me. She then began to tell me she hasn't lived at the address I was mailing things to in about 2 years. 2 years. For 2 years she hasn't gotten anything. So, I began to tell her all about the girls.
I won't go into further detail because it is private the things we spoke about. I will state that the person on my oldest daughters paperwork, who is listed as her birthfather is a complete lie. This has led to numerous health tests and things that never needed to be done to her. I am very angry inside over that. VERY. She never even asked me about them. All of the things she knows about them, I provided information on. It struck me a few days later that she didn't ask a single question. Looking back, it was a very weird conversation. However, she did say that now, her family knows about the girls. At the time of placement, they didn't. She stated her 4 older girls always talk about meeting Noelani. This is another strange piece of conversation....she seemed to be interested in my oldest more than my little one. I still cannot figure that piece of it out. I got a little more info on why she placed Noelani, but, not a clear explanation on Kai.
I began to offer the thought that I would LOVE an open relationship with her. If this summer she wanted to meet up to see the girls, we would absolutely make it happen. I reiterated myself 100x that I do NOT judge anyone, and all that matters is she gave these girls life, and all the other things don't matter if she is worried about judgement. She was SO open and cried a few times on the phone with me. She never did ask if the girls knew about the baby, or any other questions about them. This will play into my feelings later on. She ended the conversation that as soon as her phone was paid and turned back on and charged, which it "should be by now", she would send me some pictures. I told her that was great and I would wait to hear from her.........
Click here to read part 2.