When Noelani came home, it was following YEARS of infertility treatments. I had every doctor known to man in my hooha, and had been poked with more needles than a pin cushion. Through every tear I ever cried, I knew I wanted to be a mom. Long before Antoine & I became married, I would look online at foster care sites and look at the children "available" for adoption. This was even before I knew I had fertility issues!!! There was always something inside me that wanted to adopt. So, when it came down to HOW to build a family, adoption wasn't a hard choice for me. For the sake of my own sense of self, we went as far as trying in vitro. I had that one last thing in me that said "Try it now, because when you are 45 you will wish you tried just ONCE", and so we did. It didn't work. BUT, exactly 9 months after that in vitro failed, Noelani was born! Lots of other little boring details made it apparent to us, that Noelani was supposed to be our daughter from day 1.
Fast forward about 2 years later. That's when we went through THIS shit: Open Adoption, Failed Placement...and so on. Yeah, I was just about certain of our life of 3 being just what it always would be. I blocked that entire situation out of my memory as best as I could. BUT, something within me wouldn't block it all out. In fact, that whole situation made me realize we needed to be foster parents. Antoine worked at a home for troubled teenagers at the time, and we decided we would open our doors to children who needed help. We would show them love and kindness and that the world wasn't such a shitty place. We would be foster parents. When and IF the time came, we would possibly adopt again. BUT, I wasn't even so sure that this was the right decision. I figured we would get our first placement and if it didn't feel right, we could always gracefully bow out.
Well, as the story goes, one day while at work, THIS happened: Kailani was born! My knees buckled....literally. Well, read that link if you want the full story. BUT, within months, we went from a very awful, drawn out, ugly failed placement, to becoming foster parents, to being told our daughter had a sister! (I also never really told anyone, but that first link above, where we got attached to that little boy, well, about a month after that all happened, his mom called to tell me she was pregnant and that she wanted us to adopt her baby she was pregnant with.....I told her to call her dr, planned parenthood, someone else...not us. She had the baby around Christmas by the way, and never told her family. Her sister contacted me on FB the night she gave birth. I told her sister she had asked us to adopt, and that I hoped everything worked out for her). PHEW!!!!
OK OK OK....SO....why did I disappear from the blogging world???? PADS. What is pads??? Go ahead.....start to type "Post Adoption" into your google search bar. If yours is fancy like mine, it usually gives suggestions as to the common searched items. Post Adoption Depression Syndrome pops up in the list. But, how could something SO common NEVER EVER once be mentioned in all of the adoption and foster care classes we took?!!?!?
MONTHS, MONTHS of these crazy symptoms and all I could think is what the f*ck is wrong with me???? Here I was, a stay at home mom, my family of 4, and with a new business. Shouldn't I be happy? Shouldn't I be thankful??? The NY times wrote an article that talked about the things that NOW I can see:
One reason is that during the adoption process, prospective parents go to great lengths to prove they will be fit parents. After the adoption, some struggle with the fact that they aren’t the “superparents” they promised to be, Dr. Foli said. “Parents who go through the adoption process have financial disclosures, a home study, there is an interview by a social worker — they are really opened up,” Dr. Foli explained
I LOVED my girls so much, but I was having SUCH a hard time meeting everyone's expectations of how I should feel. Kailani cried all.day.long. She was the perfect little angel for about a couple days when she came home. She was this itty bitty helpless little peanut. But, she was placed in our arms out of no where. I felt like someone was going to come knocking on my door and say "Oops, we made a mistake and she really has to leave now"....so something inside told me not to get too close to her. Someone was going to take her away, this couldn't be SO perfect. Then there was the crying....oh my poor sweetest Kailani and her CONSTANT crying unless I held her. I embraced it, I had no choice....I do not believe in cry it out. So, I wore her....all day. The only time I put her down was to briefly shower. I had to explain to Noelani that she HAD to cry while I showered. She was safe, fed, changed etc. Her sleep....she didn't sleep UNLESS she was on top of me. For nearly 12 months I had an infant sleeping on top of me for every.single nap and night. I couldn't lay her next to me because she would wiggle her itty bitty body UNDER me. Lets also mention once again how FAST and crazy this adoption was. Antoine got ZERO time off of work except to go pick her up. He literally went to work the night we came back home. I was left with a 2.5 year old and newborn baby all by myself every single night AND day (because he was working doubles since I had NO paid time off of work). I was alone, tired, and felt helpless. I will never forget my mom asking me if I was ok. Did I regret adopting Kailani?? Did I love her?? YES YES....I did. But, I couldn't explain what was wrong with me!!!!!!The U.S. Administration for Children and Families describe the warning signs of Post-Adoption Depression as:
- Loss of interest in being around others
- Often on the verge of tears
- Difficulty with concentration or making decisions
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Difficulty sleeping or increased need for sleep
- Significant weight change
- Excessive guilt
- Feelings of powerlessness
- Feelings of worthlessness
- A sense of hopelessness
- Loss of enjoyment
- Irritability
- Recurring thoughts about death or suicide
I pretty much had almost all of those warning signs, but I loved my baby and my toddler SO much. Why was I SUCH a horrific person (in my mind)??? One thing I know with all of my heart, is that if I didn't have that in home daycare I was running, I wouldn't have pushed through this. I wouldn't be where I am today. That was a very hard time for me. I didn't even confide it in my husband. I felt like the most horrible human being on earth. I felt like all of the time and energy and love for Noelani was sucked out of me by now having Kailani. She was such a needy baby and I didn't know how to process that and still feel like a good mom. Remember I was supposed to be a "superparent"????? Noelani was the EASIEST baby on earth....and an even easier toddler. I felt like I was a horrible mom because Kai was taking all of that away from us. In hindsight I know how ridiculous that is. It's so stupid and far from the truth, but when I was in that fog, I couldn't think of anything besides the fact that I was ruining Noelani's life and that someone was going to come and take this baby away from me. I stopped blogging because I felt like I couldn't really be REAL anymore. I became a mom to a newborn, left my job of 7 years and opened a daycare....all while feeling like the most incompetent person on planet earth!!
How did I get through it?? I'm not really sure!!! I don't have an "aha!" moment to say this is the day I knew things would be ok. Things just seemed to get better. They got easier. Kailani became happier and her adoption became FINAL. Nobody could take my baby. She began to play with Noelani. In my brain, Noelani was happy to have a sister, so I guess I didn't ruin her life after all???
All of these thoughts might seem absurd to someone else. They seem crazy to me now as well, looking back. BUT I feel like this was a really important topic to blog about before entering back into this "blogosphere". Everyone knows that women can get PPD, but NOBODY talks about PADS. I wish there was a flyer given out when you adopt that says "HERE, this can happen to you."......I also wish I had some sort of resource to lean on when it was happening and I was going through it. I had my family, but I didn't think they would understand. I had my doctors, but again, I just figured they would brush me off. But I really really URGE women going through it to seek help. I would have been over it MUCH quicker if I would have swallowed my pride and admitted what I was going through.
PLUS.....How could I NOT love this little face????? I mean come on, how kissable is she???
In the end, I have found that my heart loves both of these girls exactly the same but for different reasons. Kailani has turned out to have some challenges that I will blog about at another time, but I wouldn't want anyone to be her mama other than me, and I wouldn't want ANYONE else in the world to hold her hand in life as she walks through it all. I really believe that God made her just for us, and it kills me inside that I ever struggled at one point to connect and be happy when she came home.
